To ignore my elderly neighbour?

[RallyB]

Due to his racist remarks.

He is very elderly and alone. We moved next to him literally just before Covid took hold and so for the best part of a year it was an ‘over the fence’ getting to know him situation. Polite conversations and I found out through conversation he lost his wife a year before we moved there. No children of their own. Apart from his sister he literally has no family and no living friends.

I felt so sorry for him. Due to covid me and DH would pick up essentials for him and leave it on his doorstep and when restrictions relaxed id take over home cooked meals as he said he just eats microwave meals.

He would tell me about the war, his wife, what it was like in our area back in the day, his really interesting job before retirement. A really lovely little old man who was endearing and sweet. He always asked about the children, work, my family life. We felt really lucky to have such a lovely neighbour.

Fast forward to about 8 months ago and he made a racist remark in conversation. I can’t remember what it was exactly but it shocked me, he rambles and mumbles a lot when he talks so I thought I must’ve misheard him but he then said something else (again can’t remember what). I naturally withdrew. I would check in now and again and if I saw him in the garden then I’d always say hello and ask how he’s getting on but that’s about it. It’s obvious too because he used to call every couple of weeks and I would too but I just haven’t been. I’m also back to work after mat leave so not in the house as much as I once was.

He has a carer now, I’ve noticed a man who appears to be of west Asian descent going in the house once per week.

Out in the garden today and I see my neighbour and I ask him how he’s getting on etc and how his new carer is. His response:

‘Oh yes I have a new carer. A young lad. He’s very good and managed to get me a mobility scooter which has helped. He’s a Muslim though, not that I hold that against him’

So I responded ‘of course not. Why would you?’

He ignored my question and started to talk about something else as he always does. He then said ‘I was in the hospital last week, we need to get more English nurses in there, everybody is foreign and can’t speak a word of English. They won’t let English people become nurses anymore and it’s a real shame.’

I then made my excuses and went inside the house.

AIBU to just ignore him? DH understands my point but because he’s elderly and alone he says we should still check in on him regularly and make sure he’s ok.

If I see him out in the garden I avoid going outside but harder now that the weather is nicer and DC are out playing in the garden.

God I hate the way people just excuse racism when it comes from elderly people. To be fair what this man said isn't SO bad but I have had so many experiences of people just allowing elderly people a free pass.
I am also not white and have had to listen to people feeling sorry for a white elderly family member, because of all the "scary black nurses" in the hospital looking after her.
Saying things like "she's just not used to it, she doesn't understand"

Perhaps his Muslim carer is changing his mindset towards Muslims in a very positive way!

I agree with the posters who say cut him some slack. You can gently challenge him then move on. If he makes a racist comment say ‘oh as long as you don’t say that at the hospital/to your career, they might be very upset” then smile.
He’s elderly and you might be more of a lifeline to him than you think.

This! I will happily stand up against racism at any point.
However he does have a point about some of the medical staff not speaking English - that's not racist at all. Anybody of ANY race is capable of speaking English. No, I am not saying that to live in the UK or even to work in the UK that you must speak English - course not! But to work in the medical field I feel, it should be a requirement. Especially given how likely they are to be dealing with people who either have learning difficulties, be hard of hearing (or both!) etc etc.
That's not ignorance nor a 'race thing' that's a desire to be able to communicate with medical staff - whatever their nationality/race/heritage

Carer!

Cultures evolve. I am also from a sub continent background. The younger generations don’t have that doormat belief anymore.

You are not responsible for him. If such comments cause you stress (and they would me), distancing yourself is fair. Sometimes there is a reason people are alone …
I used to take on responsibility for every “alone” person I met, until I learned not to put myself and my own needs last.

if this doesn’t cause you to feel stress in your body, I’d mildly address the comment as inappropriate, and then move on. We cannot change people.

To be fair, being against Islam isn't being racist. And the foreign nurses comment could be to do with the fact that elderly people can't understand them as easily (in some cases). So, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Grow up!

Yes, but why should the carer just get used to it, hearing these sorts of comments. Why should that be a given when he is just trying to do his job? Who knows what impact all these comments are having on him, on his mental health? Or is that not important because hey he knew that he would be working with elderly people, so you know, just tolerate it because they are old(ageism at its finest)!

I agree with 'Turnthetoilet' though. I too was born in early 70's. People who were not white were called 'coloured'. That was the polite way to refer to them. It was heavily frowned upon to call them 'black'.

For years that was ingrained into me that the correct word for people not white was 'coloured'. It was polite and politicially correct.

So much so that in my late forties I used the word in a conversation when referring to an very attractive male neighbour who was most pleasant to pass on the stairs (friendly) and as I said most attractive. The other person in the conversation was utterly horrified I had called this neighbour 'coloured' and yet my intentions were utterly without malice as I thought him a lovely chap, very friendly and very physically attractive to look at. Of course I don't use it now that it has been pointed out to me but far easier for me to make that change in my late forties/early fifties than for an old man.

That old man (and me as well to be honest) grew up in an era of 'black and white minstrel show, golliwogs as one of the most loved and popular toys and famous comedians on tv would routinely makes jokes about non white people. The word 'n**r' or 'paki' would be used to refer to a non white person and it was fine to do so. I remember my own dad making jokes about non white people. It was utterly 'normal'. For context this was also the era where everyone smoked like chimneys, didn't wear seatbelts and women were treated as helpless, inferior beings who's main job was to rear the kids and look pretty.

I think if your neighbour is saying it without malice and just because that is the words ingrained into him, I would let it go.
If he was saying something horrible about non whites or muslims or whatever then that would be different.

My own mother has to get a podiatry service to come and cut her nails as she is in her eighties and can no longer do them herself. After the first appointment in her house I asked her how she got on and she said 'fine, she did a good job and was friendly, but was well you know......hushed tones 'coloured'.

My mum also tries to answer the phone with her tv remote control, gets lost when she goes out and can't remember what she did yesterday. Trying to let her that the word 'coloured' can be used now is pointless and would just confuse her. I did tell her the ladys skin colour had nothing to do with anything but I am guessing it went above my mums head.

I think it's maybe sad if you stop helping the old man. It does not sound like he is racist, just a product of his time and too old to change.

Because some people's medical conditions mean they can't be reasoned with in that way- Someone with dementia, for example. Or someone suffering from psychosis.

So yes, in some cases, if you go into some professions you may have to accept this behaviour. Or do you think we should withdraw support from some very vulnerable people?

This 100%

"Deal with" doesn't mean ignore or accept. Love your suggestion for how a medical professional should address a patient though!

Please stop saying "its generational."
Not all elderly people are racist.
Some of my White family members were anti-racist activists in the 1960s. My uncle was arrested for it.
This is insulting.

Shocked by the comments on here. It doesn't matter if he is old, or if his comments are 'mild' (To the people he is referring to, they wouldn't feel mild) he is a racist.

I've been in similar situations with elderly relatives and just state, "Your racist comments make me uncomfortable. Please don't make those comments around me anymore." I know it doesn't change anything really because they'll still be racist, but at least they know you don't condone it.

I spent a lot of time in the past around elderly with dementia, and sometimes they would use outdated, racist terms without intended malice - it's more difficult with dementia because you can correct them and they'll forget within 5 minutes what they called you. But I've had non-dementia elderly relatives use outdated terms, I've corrected them and they've either not used the terms again in my presence (I'm biracial and dh is far east asian), or self-corrected if they accidentally use words they grew up using. I've also known elderly people who are what I would call truly racist ie believe with malice non-white people/non their-race people are lesser, and I've avoided them like the plague. Luckily though they've been very few and far between.

@Poochypaws If an elderly person calls me 'coloured', I don't assume its meant with malice. I understand that that was the accepted term for many years. There's a big difference between an outdated term and the sort of thing OP's neighbour is saying.

Old people are scared and vulnerable.
They are afraid of anything different.

My mother (Irish) is in a nursing home. There are two Indian male health care assistants and she is scared of them. She said that she can't understand them, and that she doesn't like being around them. She likes the Irish female health care assistant, as they know and talk about similiar things.

I think it should be taken into account the told people are scared and vulnerable. And are scared of things that are different to what they are used to.

To all the posters on here saying 'he knows no different, he was bought up in a generation where they said things.'

So fucking what!?
The previous generation used cot bumpers and didn't rear face their babies. You evolve WITH the changes. Of course he knows no different, because people like you (not the OP) are watching from the sidelines not saying anything and no matter how you dress it up, you ARE excusing his behaviour.

The remarks he's made about foreign nurses are awful, let alone untrue. If it wasn't for the overseas nurses we have in our hospitals, and doctors, our 'own' hospitals would collapse. They're on their way already.

I don't care if anyone is old, young, English, or not. If you don't have a disability that makes you say racist remarks, I will always, always call it out.

I would challenge him next time OP. But in an educated way and put him right. If someone makes a remark about race and you feel uneasy about it, 9 times out of 10 you have a reason to be.

He had no reason to even state the Carer was a Muslim. The carer isn't going to exactly turn up and say 'hi neighbour. I'm your carer and I'm a Muslim!'

He was probably subjected to a 'what religion are you, where do you come from.'

There is absolutely no need for it. No he isn't part of the KKK but low level racism still doesn't need to have a place in modern day society. Educate the elders, not enable them.

2 wrongs don’t make a right

Agreed

Totally agree.

Also I do sometimes think people are too sensitive. I once lived in a shared building (flats) and on the ground floor there was a nice lady who always tried to make polite conversation, kept her area very clean and would give my dog treats when she had them.
All good. No issues. I did find her a bit difficult to follow in conversation as she had come over from Poland and her english was quite broken. I also couldn't remember her name as it was obviously a polish one. At that time of living in a city centre I would come accross a fair number of polish people in shops and eateries and I always used to think how hardworking and polite they were (kind of putting the locals to shame if I am honest).

Years later said polish lady got herself an unpleasant boyfriend with an aggressive large breed dog who without warning attacked my small fluffy dog who nearly lost his eye and was bleeding profusely.
I called the police. The boyfriend made a huge deal about the fact I referred to his girlfriend as 'the polish lady on the ground floor' and tried to make out I was a huge racist. It was simply to try and deflect blame onto me so he wasn't held responsible for his large out of control dog almost killing a small fluffy helpless one.

In my youth I lived in surrey and my friends routinely called me 'Haggis' or 'Haggy' as I was scottish. It was said with affection and laughter and I quite liked it. I wasn't offended at all. I just think sometimes today we are all to easy to offend and jump on people who have innocently and without any malice used the wrong politically correct word.