Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

506 replies

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:50

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 29/06/2023 21:56

Those poor poor kids. When do they get to relax and be bored. 90% of that is too much

bakewellbride · 29/06/2023 22:14

I have a nearly 5 year old and he has Lego club once a week at school and that's it!

Mumursoold · 29/06/2023 22:34

Sounds like the guy is having a large laugh at your expense. You must be run ragged. Learn to say No. Practice saying No …! Everyday. I would love to see his face when you say No. Hes treating you like a child. Just say No, No, No, No,No No Smile and laugh

scotvic · 29/06/2023 22:36

Something is badly wrong here. Please take stock. Why is he so obsessed with you taking the kids here there and everywhere all the time? You talk about ‘your’ kids - aren’t they his as well? What does he contribute? Is he coercive in other ways? Can you ask anyone for some help?

Laur81 · 29/06/2023 23:21

@Flopberry First of all well done on your studies whilst working and running a home& family. My main question is why does your husband plan all of these activities for you and your kid's, what does he do when he's home and your out running around with his kids. What does he do with his spare time because it sounds like he's great a filling in your Calender but what about his spare time? Why does he want the kids to do all of these activities? Is it for him or for them? These are some questions I would want answered if it was me in your situation. Is your husband a narcissist I think you would benefit from doing some research into narcissistic abuse. Your babies are 4&6 you are completely right in thinking they need to drop some of these activities, it will burn them out and it will burn you out and then what happens, I guarantee your husband would not do this running around if the shoe were on the other foot. The golf lessons are ridiculous for kids that age but I suspect its more for gratification and to brag to his colleagues, sad really. You need time at home to study, time to be a family and time to chill. The amount of activities your kids do a week does not define your worth as a mother. The more you keep allowing him to put on your schedule the more he will lay on you and the more you lose yourself. You need to set boundaries to protect yourself. I really hope you find the strength to take back your power.

toxic44 · 29/06/2023 23:32

This sounds horribly as if he has his boot hard down on the back of your neck. That is not a healthy situation for you to endure nor for the children to see as normal. He is your husband, not your master.

T1Dmama · 30/06/2023 00:55

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:57

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

You’ll be forced to? Or ‘not allowed’ ???

WHAT THE ACTUAL??? …. He sounds abusive !!

When the hell do your children eat? When do they do their reading and spellings? Like you say it’s very important that kids learn to relax and entertain themselves… part of kids issues today is that they don’t learn to entertain themselves or have calm time!

Tell your husband that the kids don’t need to do acting, dancing, football and golf at 4 and 6!!

Also remind him that you are actually trying to study and also need time and that as an adult you don’t need him telling you how to spend your free time running kids around.

Or tell him he needs to change his hours to accommodate his BS!

Cariadm · 30/06/2023 02:40

Cariadm · 29/06/2023 21:19

What do you mean 'you're going into your final year of Nursing'... do you mean training or actual working as a Nurse?

Sorry just read your follow ups and see that you are studying for a Nursing degree!!! WTAF!!! My granddaughter has done the same thing with 2 children while working almost full time in the NHS but the difference for her is that her husband and family are all there to help her and although the boys do some after school activities their Nana runs them about when necessary... GD would only take on what was doable and would not stand for any of the nonsense that you sadly seem to get from your other half...I am furious on your behalf!! 😡 WHY are so many men selfish, bullying and thoughtless and then expect their wives and kids to still think the sun shines out of them?! Ugh!!!🙄😱

changeme4this · 30/06/2023 02:52

Sounds to me like he is organising for you to be away from home/area for his own reasons, and because you have the children always with you, leaves very little opportunity for him to be discovered doing something or somewhere he shouldn’t be…

what would he say if you said Jenny from up the road was going to take the kids to all these wonderful opportunities? Or is he fixated on you being occupied .

out of interest what industry does he work in? I’m mindful my DH’s work is always weather dependent, but generally I know where he will be or is due to be…

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 10:27

You are in a deeply unbalanced, manipulative and abusive relationship. He uses the kids to emotionally control you. You sound unhappy, unsupported and exhausted. Little kids don’t need this ridiculous timetable of activities. I’m so angry for you. Please get some advice/counselling ASAP. Good luck xx

Oldmummy69 · 30/06/2023 10:49

'Not allowed! Forced!' Keep studying for that degree and unenroll kids from all classes because you are going to need your independence soon because you cant stay with a bully who's work 'comes first'.

Oldmummy69 · 30/06/2023 10:51

That is abuse.

Hmm1234 · 30/06/2023 11:01

So many men like this want their kids to do all the clubs and sports but expect mum to do the travelling to drop/ pick up kids with no help.

kerryelaine100 · 30/06/2023 13:46

The bairns probably just want to play Xbox or something 🤷‍♀️

GUARDIAN1 · 30/06/2023 16:55

Not allowed? He's your partner, not your father and you're an adult, not a child. I'm very concerned for you as it sounds like you're in a controlling relationship. This is abuse. In terms of the children, a club each once or twice a week would be plenty. They're very young and need to have some 'down time' as well. They also need their mum not to be completely exhausted, frazzled and bullied by their father. I honestly would consider whether you can live with this for the foreseeable future.

woodhill · 30/06/2023 16:57

Let him do it then

Pearlsaminga · 30/06/2023 16:59

WHY are so many men selfish, bullying and thoughtless and then expect their wives and kids to still think the sun shines out of them?!
because they are unable to tolerate not being top dog/the boss of everything

Cariadm · 30/06/2023 18:09

Pearlsaminga · 30/06/2023 16:59

WHY are so many men selfish, bullying and thoughtless and then expect their wives and kids to still think the sun shines out of them?!
because they are unable to tolerate not being top dog/the boss of everything

Yes agreed! Although my post was I suppose a bit of a rhetorical question?! It's a sad fact that the behaviour manifested by this seemingly charmless individual is not unusual nor unique and far too many women have to tolerate such childish and manipulative behaviour on a daily basis, in varying degrees of course from mild to the very worst physical and mental abuse suffered by far too many!! 😡There should be no such thing as 'domestic abuse', it's just 'abuse' pure and simple whether it's against men or women...What always worries me is how thin the line is between what's going on here and what, in many cases, it can so easily morph into if not nipped in the bud one or another. 🤔🙄😱

Branwells77 · 30/06/2023 18:59

Ok so the amount of red flags i’m seeing from reading this is alarming please don’t continue to put up with his behaviour if he wants the children to do all these activities then he has to make changes to his work life.
I would also suggest asking him to take two weeks off from work and do your full routine and I mean everything you do he has to do, in them two weeks you need to spend as much time as you can out of the house and focus on yourself and let him do your routine do not cave in to him either because he will 100% try and get you to do half or something don’t let that happen.

NoThanksymm · 30/06/2023 20:23

From your one response your husband doesn’t help.

horrible he’s work first. He should be able to pick up 1/2 the days. They are his kids t too.

your school was your choice - a good one - but you can’t punish the kids for that.

dance and acting classes make some sense at that age (public speaking, basic coordination, visual learning). But out of town footballll???

I’m assuming (hoping) not American football! Soccer is fun for littles, but good lord football!

golf I mean if the kid expressed interest. But otherwise have dad find something when he can make it. THIS IS NOT ALL ON YOU.

can you lean on other parents (I know we can’t change our spouses, although examine his other behaviour you may want a divorce, I would! Get out girl). Can another parent and you share rides?

Birdcloud · 30/06/2023 22:48

Is your position in the family based on your culture? Is this expected of you by the rest of your family? I am very concerned about you o/p.

Madamum18 · 02/07/2023 18:29

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

"Not Allowed"!!!! For goodness sake they are YOUR kids too and this is YOUR life He does NOT have the right to make all the decisions. Sorry but he sounds like an arrogant selfish unempathetic git!

pphammer · 03/07/2023 14:06

With those ages, ONE extracurricular activities is enough

Kennykenkencat · 03/07/2023 16:00

What happens when you go to work. Who is going to take them to all these activities.

I think if your Dh doesn’t know his hours as his job is so erratic then he needs to grow up and change jobs to fit around his family

He is a father now so he needs to start to do some parenting and thinking of the future and what he is prepared to do.

He needs to get his head round the fact you are his wife not his underling and if you don’t do as you are told that firing his underling might not bother him personally but firing/divorcing his wife will mean he will lose not only at least 50% of what he has but he won’t be able to do what he wants anymore as he might just get 50/50 custody and then for 50% of the week he will have to know what time his hours are and he won’t be able to do what he likes when ever he likes. And whilst his life becomes more restricted yours will become more free.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2023 17:07

What happens when you go to work. Who is going to take them to all these activities.

@Kennykenkencat

I figure one of these 3 things:

1-He doesn't want her to work (so he has her under his thumb) so he's sabotaging her efforts to study and improve herself.

2- If When she does manage to get her degree and a job, he'll still expect her to 'do it all'. After all, he's the 'Big Man' and home duties are the 'Little Woman's' job.

3-If she puts her foot down, he'll suddenly decide they don't 'need' so many activities and they can cut out the ones that he'd have to help out with. The ones that impinge only on OP's time will stay.

Whether it's 1, 2 or 3 if I were OP I'd be gone as soon as I completed my courses and got a good job. He's never going to change and I wouldn't want to live the next 20-30-40 years of my life having to shape my work and my time around a selfish prick.

If I was OP and had someone willing to take me in, I'd be gone now. I know my parents or my sister would have done (and watched my DC so I could attend classes & study) if I was living OP's life.