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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

506 replies

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:50

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

OP posts:
Tessabelle74 · 28/06/2023 23:50

EarthSight · 28/06/2023 22:50

Because he does what all controlling people do, people who will not take no for an answer, which is to dish out a punishment. OP, being clearly tired from parenting, her schedule, not wanting her kids turned on her, and not wanting a horrible atmosphere in the house is trying to avoid this by complying.

He sounds like a wanker and I think this is a much larger issue in the rest of their marriage than what she's included in the post.

Show quote history

That's exactly my point! She's ALLOWING him to martyr herself, she needs to just stop! She's ALLOWING him to make her feel guilty, just don't listen to him and when he tries the "Mummy won't take you" throw it back at him, "oh but Daddy would rather be at work that take you himself!" A bully only has power because you LET them

Brightandshining · 29/06/2023 00:04

Every time I think I've seen the worst father and husband on mumsnet another thread comes along to top it.
What a horrible man.
I hope you find the strength within yourself to leave him one day but for the time being at least the strength to just say no and not let his manipulative shit effect you.
He has zero right to manage YOUR time like this. He sounds deeply controlling and thats way too many activities for kids that young I bet they're exhausted

Cornishclio · 29/06/2023 00:11

Speak to your children and see if they want to do that many after school activities because they sound like a lot for a 4 and 6 year old on top of school. I would get them to choose just 1 or 2 rather than something every day virtually. Nothing to do with your husband as he doesn't take them and you should not let him dictate to you how you spend your time.

Souleater · 29/06/2023 00:40

Divorce him and then he can take them to these activities during his time. 😊

Groutyonehereagain · 29/06/2023 01:07

I did my nurse training as a single parent, with three children. I can recommend it @Flopberry . You make your own decisions.

Yfory · 29/06/2023 01:10

Acting, football, tennis and dancing. Plus parkrun and he wants to add in golf too. Waaaay too much for your sons and clearly too much for you also. Two extra curricular activities a week is plenty.

Does he bully you in other ways too? This doesnt sound like a healthy and happy relationship op.

Whyisegg · 29/06/2023 01:35

Sounds like the husband is the sole source of income - maybe the house is in his name too. OP - get a divorce - in UK law you are entitled to 50% of all your spouse's assets regardless of when they were obtained.

Happyasapiginmuck1 · 29/06/2023 01:43

Drop everything for the 4 year old, it's too much after school. One activity for the 6 year old if it suits you. Go and get ice-cream and play with your kids. 💜

Ihatepickingausername3 · 29/06/2023 01:56

Do NOT go to counselling with an abusive partner. Your OH is textbook abusive. It’s not a communication issue… he IS controlling… and probably that’s the tip of the iceberg.

Counselling may not end well if you get an inexperienced counsellor or an oblivious one and they don’t spot the signs of abuse.

You should NEVER engage in counselling with an abusive partner.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 29/06/2023 01:57

Get your own counselling… do not take him or engage him in the process AT ALL.

Honeychickpea · 29/06/2023 02:06

Concentrate on your degree above all else. It's your ticket out of this mess.

Roselilly36 · 29/06/2023 02:52

You need time to study. What do the kids think about all these activities after school? Mine got tired at those ages and didn’t want to do anything, other than go home and play. It’s too much. I would tell DH you are stopping most of the activities until after you have completed the degree, if he doesn’t like it then he needs to take them and stop controlling your life.

HirplesWithHaggis · 29/06/2023 03:07

Tessabelle74 · 28/06/2023 23:50

That's exactly my point! She's ALLOWING him to martyr herself, she needs to just stop! She's ALLOWING him to make her feel guilty, just don't listen to him and when he tries the "Mummy won't take you" throw it back at him, "oh but Daddy would rather be at work that take you himself!" A bully only has power because you LET them

Show quote history

It's bad enough that daddy says that shit in front of the dc, using them as weapons against OP, by suggesting she doesn't care. For mummy to say the same thing is to suggest to the dc that neither of their parents care... I hope you see where that might go.

OddSockSeeker · 29/06/2023 04:15

I’d never let my husband dictate to me like that. He wouldn’t dare. I demand more respect. You should too or your kids will grow up to think such behaviour is ok. It’s not. We’re not in the 1950s anymore.

Two activities per week is MORE than enough. You need time with the kids to just BE instead of DOING all the time. Look after your well-being and don’t let him tell you what to do. Make time for peaceful days together before it’s all over and you realise you spent their childhood rushing around. He sounds like a bit of a tit. Sorry.

babyproblems · 29/06/2023 05:26

Please if you go to counselling with this person, make it crystal clear that he is abusive and explain what he’s doing. I think really you should leave. What he’s doing is really damaging for the kids and it’s just about control and him enforcing his standards on you all. This is no way to live. Hes meant to be your partner.. there’s zero support here for you. Good luck xxxx

MrsWombat · 29/06/2023 06:55

Is it junior park run? That's not a weekly commitment. I would drop that one unless he wants to do it himself.

pickleparent147 · 29/06/2023 07:09

surely your kids are exhausted?! How many of these activities does your husband run them to? Surely he can do the weekend ones?
This does seem too much. For me, I decide what activities the kids will do and book them into it, because I will be the one that has to get them to it! We have DS7 and DD2 - DS does beavers Monday and cricket Friday, with karate on Saturday and/or Sunday if we want. DH finishes early on a Monday to take to beavers, I take to cricket Friday, the weekend ones are shared between us depending on what other plans are.

Sluttypants · 29/06/2023 07:34

Urgh, all the time deaf responses are vile.
Do you really think that it’s that easy for some women?
Heaping shame on her because she’s in an abusive relationship is a shitty thing to do, and won’t help her

op - have you got someone you can talk to about this, who can support you with getting help?
The Freedom programme is meant to be good, and you could speak to women’s aid and:or the national domestic abuse hotline, because this is an abusive relationship, and even if you can’t see it now, you will at some point.
Sending hugs to you.

AnotherSuperHeroe · 29/06/2023 08:13

It’s almost like you have to be kept busy 24/7 like he’s suspecting you of something or he’s hiding something

CoupDeGrace · 29/06/2023 08:25

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:57

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

What do you mean, you're not allowed? You're an equal partner in this relationship aren't you? Or you should be!

Mumof2boys999 · 29/06/2023 08:41

I think if you show him the responses to this post he might realise just how much he does not understand about raising children! He should also consider how he treats you and realise that you may also have thoughts and feelings beyond being dictated too. It may not be in your thinking at the moment but, believe me, if something doesn't change he will be begging you for visitation rights to see his boys and won't have any say in activities. We all have our limits and he is definitely pushing yours. Take care of yourself and your boys

endofthelinefinally · 29/06/2023 08:48

I can't think of a single job where an employee doesn't know their shifts until the day before, so I think he is lying about that.

As a pp asked, how on earth are you managing your clinical placements? I have never come across a nursing degree where all the placements fit in with primary school hours and ensure free evenings, so does your H arrange his work to do school drop offs, pick ups and evenings while you are on placement?

Branleuse · 29/06/2023 09:08

Why on earth are you letting him boss yoi around? Youre a grown woman. Hes your husband, not your owner. If he criticises you and makes negative comments to the children about you when you dont do as youre told, then thats abusive.
Please dont tolerate it. You dont have to.
Sounds like youd actually be happier without him if he works all the time and then micromanages your schedule even when hes not there

SusieTrevelyan · 29/06/2023 09:18

Tell him to go and do one. He sounds very controlling.

Mooy · 29/06/2023 09:33

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will go on and on and the guilt will be unreal. It’s awful

This is emotional abuse. You should try and talk to someone you trust about it. You don't need to put up with being abused like this and you deserve better.
And what kind of high flying job doesn't let you know if your working or not until the day before? That's usual in the gig economy sure, but not anywhere else. I suspect your husband knows exactly when his work will be and could be more flexible but lies about it to you so he doesn't have to do anything. It's another red flag. Your husband sounds like a controlling abusive man baby. What exactly is he bringing to the table? If its just money thats not good enough, youd get half in the divorse plus ongoing child support anyway. Throw the whole man away.