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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

506 replies

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:50

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 27/06/2023 22:59

Good grief that must be exhausting for the kids. Pick two activities for the week and no more until their father starts to do the runs.

Use your voice and say no.

Original poster
Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will just lay on massive guilt trips or say stuff to my son like “mum doesn’t want to take you” and that hurts. I do want the best for my kids but I am so mentally exhausted.

OP posts:
5childrenand · 27/06/2023 23:00

Unless the 6 year old is in an academy already no way he needs to be playing football 3 times a week. Just don’t go.

TalkingSchist · 27/06/2023 23:00

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:57

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

Or what?

You are your own person and as much of a parent as he is.

Leave him.

BrieAndChilli · 27/06/2023 23:00

Why can’t he take them to activities on the weekend?

allmyliesaretrue · 27/06/2023 23:01

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:57

Please note I want to drop some of it but I’m simply not allowed.

Fuck him out - how dare he tell you what you are allowed and not allowed to do??

You're at a crucial part of your studies - the fucker should be supporting you not berating you! Just say NO! What's he going to do?

Original poster
Flopberry · 27/06/2023 23:01

He helps with laundry at least… I know I’ve mentioned that things will have to shift when I graduate. He drives but again his hours aren’t child friendly

OP posts:
Biscuitandacuppa · 27/06/2023 23:01

When you qualify as a nurse and are
earning a decent wage are you considering leaving him? Because if I were you I would. He seems to think you are less important than him and he can just bully/guilt you into doing whatever he wants and doesn’t give a shit about your needs or stress levels. He is not a nice person and you are not his servant.

Original poster
Flopberry · 27/06/2023 23:02

If he’s not working he can, depends on the weekend. Not sure how it will all work in the future when I graduate. I think I will have to take a community 9-5 post

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 27/06/2023 23:02

Sports, Drama and Dance are all part of the school curriculum. They don’t need to these as extra out of school activities at their age except for maybe an afterschool club that takes place at the school directly after the school day.
Or maybe a once a week thing like Cubs.
You are ALLOWED to stop taking the children to these groups. Your husband can’t stop you.

ThunderStormPlease · 27/06/2023 23:03

Tell him that if they are to take on a new activity they are to drop a different one.

That's insane amount for such young kids, they are probably as exhausted as what you are on top of school. Stop giving in to his crap and put your foot down.

Original poster
Flopberry · 27/06/2023 23:03

Thank you all for this support, some what makes me feel like i am not selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
Flopberry · 27/06/2023 23:04

I suggested that and was met with a sigh.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2023 23:04

What do you mean 'you're not allowed'

You can do what you like.

None of this is remotely normal op.

In mine - if I'm looking after the dc, then I'm the one deciding what they do or don't do.

allmyliesaretrue · 27/06/2023 23:04

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 23:02

If he’s not working he can, depends on the weekend. Not sure how it will all work in the future when I graduate. I think I will have to take a community 9-5 post

Don't you dare! You're allowed to have a career too sweetheart. You sound so downtrodden and downbeat, I am a stranger but I am so angry on your behalf!

So what does this Big Important Man do then?

jackstini · 27/06/2023 23:04

Flopberry · 27/06/2023 22:59

He will just lay on massive guilt trips or say stuff to my son like “mum doesn’t want to take you” and that hurts. I do want the best for my kids but I am so mentally exhausted.

So emotional abuse then? Sad
OP this is not ok

It's perfectly normal for anyone to not want to do that level of activities, never mind at the same time as doing a degree!!

With your bank work you probably do similar hours to him. What is he contributing childcare & household wise?!

Kids are only 4 & 6!!
Bloody hell - you could all do with some chilling time...

YANBU!!

Honeysuckle16 · 27/06/2023 23:04

Since you are the parent who takes the DC to activities then you are the decision-maker on this. Your DP can have an opinion but that’s all it is.

If he is forcing his opinion on you, then he is controlling you and that is abuse.

What would happen if you refused more than a reasonable number of activities? If your DH didn’t accept this, then he is abusing you.

bridgetreilly · 27/06/2023 23:05

This is all wrong, OP. It’s bad for the children and it’s bad for you. But worse than that is the emotional and psychological abuse from your husband. You are allowed to make parenting decisions too. You do not deserve to be made to feel guilty for prioritising your wellbeing and your children’s wellbeing over his whims.

bellsbuss · 27/06/2023 23:05

He sounds abusive

junebirthdaygirl · 27/06/2023 23:05

You don't need his permission to drop things. Seeing you will never be as busy as now with your studies drop everything except the football and you can reconsider things later. Both your dc can take up golf etc when they are 9 or 10. It's better for them now to just have fun at home, play in the garden, go to the park at the weekend etc. So you have two reasons to stop; they are too young and you are too busy. End of story!!
You are actually being a better mom keeping the kids out of the car and relaxing with them in their own home. If he wants them to be good at sport he can kick a ball with them when he gets home or do what Rory Mclroy's dad did and get him to chip the golf ball into the open washing machine!!!

Avatartar · 27/06/2023 23:05

You and your DCs need down time or your family will go crazy. The DCs need to learn how to relax and use their imagination instead of being led or directed the whole of their lives.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 27/06/2023 23:05

Just say no 🤷‍♀️

If he emotionally blackmails you call him out on it.

He sounds controlling and manipulative tbh.

Poor kids.

Onelifeonly · 27/06/2023 23:06

Partners are supposed to be in a partnership. Sounds like you are in a dictatorship. Say no, stop which ever activities you wish to and ignore his passive aggressive comments to your children. If you stand up for yourself - what would happen?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 27/06/2023 23:06

Kids don’t need all this. My sister’s kids did drama, music, football, dancing, judo and god knows what else because she worked ot and could take them to them all easily. Mine did scouts and swimming because I couldn’t fit anything else in due to work. Extra curricular activities are a nice to have but not essential or worth running yourself into the ground for!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2023 23:06

Do you realise this is abuse op?

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