Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

Sounds like he’s trying to sabotage your career and independence.

twat.

Now I feel really worried for you. This is starting to sound like a totally different sort of situation. Please get help. Please talk to family who can help you.

I think you are amazing doing a degree and coping with all this extra pressure but you must tell him it’s too much for you ! Let him take them at the weekend , you are not being selfish and your children must be exausted too !

Yes, I agree. He can do them in the evening and at weekends. I remember rushing about with four children doing things after school, but I usually managed to get them all doing things on just two days a week, so I just had two evenings rushing about like a maniac.
When they're older he'll want them to do their homework so you won't have time to do all this, phew!

That’s ridiculous. One activity at the weekend is enough. He is not doing his fair share, so bin the mid week activities, hire a cleaner and do frozen meals twice a week. Really, really pull back. No half measures. He’s an arsehole. If he won’t help out then you have to arrange your life around you

Whether you feel guilty or not is your choice. Don't. There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Kids need to be kids and right now your studies should be the priority for your family. They will spend your money happily enough when you earn it. Stand your ground and do what you need to do.

just take them out of so many activities, this is horrible for YOU and then your kids. thye need 2 days off everything to chill. also the amount of money termly in these things. THINK FORWARD! and your husband is really really a d..k sorry. sounds like an abusive relationship .

Leave him that will stop it

Is he trying to make you fail? Or at least ensure you don't get too far in your career? Otherwise I don't see how any decent person would respond to "I'm struggling " by adding even more to your plate.

WTAF!!!! Your kids are young what they want is probably to be with Mum at home not feeling stressed with a stressed out Mum.
Do your kids actually want to do any of this?
If you are working or training why are you doing everything.
Your husband sounds like a complete …

a family is not just a place to hothouse children into adults it is about learning connection and a family is made up all the people not some people giving up everything while the other leach all life out of them.

I think you know this is not acceptable.

You say no, keep saying no. Ignore the guilt trip. It sounds like the dynamic in your relationship isn't healthy and kids don't need to do this much extracurricular stuff. When do they just get to sit about a chill?

That’s way too much for such young kids. My kids are 6 and 10 and the youngest goes to one thing and the eldest two.

How are you 'not allowed to not take them'? If you physically don't go he can't frog march you and the kids there. Just say no and don't leave the house.

Why is he trying to emotionally blackmail you by upsetting the kids?
Everytime he says something like ‘mummy doesn’t want to take you’ you reply but daddy can. When he says he can’t, you say why is it different for you?
is he trying to make it as difficult as he can for you to achieve your degree?
You are the one doing all the running about and drop what you need to accordingly and what is best for you. If he doesn’t like it, he can do it himself.

At the age your children are they need down time at home with family meals around the table baths story time etc
your husband needs a serious talking to
start with no
one activity a week would be more than enough
is there other parts of your life he is controlling

Get your degree, fuck him right off, cancel all the ridiculous activities and he can take them to underwater origami/space walking/whatever the fuck he wants every other weekend and the nights each week he has to look after them.

Your children are doing far too much what a shame for them and you. Give yourselves a break.

Mine studied four types of dance with lessons on different days of the week so it took up four days. We switched to a dance school where the lessons were back to back which made such a difference. It's worth consolidating the dance and acting lessons to somewhere that offers both on the same day as a minimum.

I'm finding it hilarious that your DH thinks your children need so much sport as well - and shocked he hasn't added swimming or language lessons to the "regime". You are clearly not in an area with 11+ as these sorts of parents usually start tuition around 6...

I think the real question here is actually do they enjoy the myriad of activities? Also when is their time for reading or free play or playdates in that? Your six yo will get homework in September which will be another thing to have to balance. Why does your DS want to do golf, two lots of football over three sessions, dance, acting and tennis? Next time your DH is full of Mummy won't let you have fun, tell your DS that you're worried he's missing out on fun stuff and that you'd like to be able to do fun stuff with him but there's no time... Fun stuff like going for a milkshake after school. Or a waffle. Going to the park/on a scooter/on a bike. Going swimming at a pool with slides.. Joining Beavers...Baking cakes or making sweets...

All the activities sound like what DH wants in case your kids are prodigies at something. You haven't added musical instruments in yet either... Or horse riding ...

As for DH, perhaps he needs to be doing the weekend items and also realise your kids education is suffering because they're not reading or having time off. And tell him to lose the attitude! Kids need to learn for themselves that they can't physically do everything and need to make choices. Also that you're not endlessly made of time and money. You can't just be a world of yes and your DH needs to back you up not run you down.

Give the man options
Option 1 respect my health and wellbeing at an already stressful time and let me decide who does what. Without hassle and guilt.

Option 2. Pay for someone out of his money, that will run the kids to all the activities he wants them to attend. Without hassle and guilt.

Option 3 not respect my physical and mental health and run me into ground/or berate me in front of kids making me feel worthless...then I'll leave you.

Leave the choice up to him.
Time for you to look after you and your kids cause he sounds absolutely horrible.

Absolute madness, all of it. Poor kids, 4 & 6? They must be totally exhausted. Do they ever get any down time, just playing without having their every minute supervised & directed ?

Of course you are allowed to! What is your husband going to do if you don't take them!

I'm all for kids doing extra curricular activities but football, acting, dancing, tennis, park run and now golf - that is actually just insane. Just doing ONE of them would be fine!

You're obviously exhausted but in all honesty I'm sure your children probably are as well! It is also an awful lot of pressure on the children to "be good at things and excel".

When are they just able to be children? Actually young children who just play, read, watch TV, RELAX and spend time with their parents?

Your husband isn't being supportive to you, your degree and what you are trying to achieve AT ALL! What are you actually getting out of this marriage?

@Flopberry does he ever feel any guilt for never being there for these activities and never being there to cheer them on?…probably not, so don’t let him force the guilt on you.

Maybe ask your children what they want. All kids enjoy activities but they also want their Mum at the end of a long day. If it’s too much for you then it’s likely it’s too much for them too.

'What do you mean you’ll be forced?!'

I didn't like the sound of that either TBH!!! Where does this guy get off insisting that she does all the running about here there and everywhere (4 & 6?!!!😱) and then when she tell him she's already not coping 'asks' her to take on even more?!! He needs a serious wake up call that's all I can say!!! 🙄😡

What do you mean 'you're going into your final year of Nursing'... do you mean training or actual working as a Nurse?

If someone idiotic tried to guilt trip me with ‘mum doesn’t want to take you’, I’d definitely reply ‘damn right I don’t’My kids are older now, and I was bloody delighted when they gave up some of their hobbies and recently aggravated me by telling me that they’d hated football. Where are your wants in this op? Space for you?