Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

Do your kids actually WANT to do this amount of stuff outside school. My 5yo does football once a week and swimming lessons once a week. That's it! The rest of the time if for family, rest, playing with her sister, play dates - yes even some tv!
That's way too much for your kids to handle, let alone you. No wonder you're exhausted.
Just say no. Cancel the things yourself (in consultation with what the kids want to do). Tell him you're going to stop and he can pick up the slack if he wants but if not it's not happening.

What does this mean OP?

Because obviously you can just refuse.

No, OP! You take the work you want to do and together as a couple you work backwards from that.

Is he by any chance actually trying to prevent you from graduating so that you don't have your independence and your own career?

At four? Your daughter is four years old and has these commitments? I'm sure you realise that's quite unusual.

This really worries me OP do you think he is trying to sabotage your study and return to work?

You're quite right @MissTrip82 - I hadn't clocked the ages of OPs children. They're completely over-scheduled for kids aged 4&6. Mine were exhausted after a day at school and needed time to unwind, so they only had 2 clubs (maximum) each until they were older. And the clubs were local too, either at the school or within our small village.

When do OPs kids have time to play creatively, or go to parties/playmates, the park? Or relax and chill after a day at school? Far too many clubs. If the OPs exhausted, how are the kids feeling??

That is too many extra curriculars for a 4 and 6 year old. When do they get to do the most important things for their development at this age which is play to develop physical and social skills they need, get bored and have to use their imaginations and develop their minds. Over scheduling children does not generally lead to success and well developed children. Children need space to grow. Time would be better spent getting muddy and in nature.

Get an expert involved to tell your husband your children do not need to and should not be doing all of this.

Super nanny did an episode on kids doing too much. It stresses kids out.

kids need time to decompress from school and such and time to just be kids. Time to drop stuff. What’s husband doing while your doing this?? Who’s doing dinner????

Time for him to find a job so he knows what he’s working!!!

this job is unsuitable for kids.

football 3 times a week??? Kids need to be kids. Drop all except say two things. You need to do your degree!!!!

He needs to change jobs he’s not being flexible in any way!!!!!

and he just adds stuff.

little kids need to be kids. This is too much for small kids I get you guys want the world but they need to be kids!!!

play at home, imagination, bonding time with mum and dad.

also a park run so you mean running???? I hope not because kids do not need to do that they should get enough just playing.

Yeah the kids might be doing it because they have been told to. Like dropping stuff is a must and no runs in the bloody park. Maybe take them to the park to play!!

4 and 6 is young for all that but i get it. My ex is always adding more. Obviously i want the kids to do everything they want to but being on my own its often a lot particularly when i have to be in two places at once which actually happens on a Monday. It's ok for him as he has a partner to help. Im going to be firmer going forward.

When DD was at primary school she often used to play with one girl who once, very sadly, said "I never have a day when I am not doing anything after school. Her mum (it was her mum) then got her to do golf on Saturdays. This, with church on Sundays meant that the poor girl never had any proper down time or a whole day to do nothing. She ended up with very few school friends because she was always busy when anyone suggested a play date, and could never invite anyone round.

Although you may mean well, this is bad avoid devoid of empathy and deeper understanding @Tessabelle74

You are placing the burden of responsibility on the OPs shoulders for her husband's piss taking. Funnily enough, many disagreeable and abusive people also think this way, but you didn't frame it like that. Instead, your post is a few shades away from victim blaming.

Disagreeable, selfish, ruthless or abusive people think that it's their right and natural inclination to drive all over people wants and wishes. If anyone has a problem with that, then tough. It's other people's problem. These types refuse to take any responsibility for their bad behaviour and expect other people to manage their behaviour for them by having to constantly pus back and keep them in line. Any hint of weakness, and they'll start pushing boundaries straight away. If anyone complains, they just think 'Well so & so LETS me do that to them....so it's kind of their fault, isn't it?'.

It's the behavioural equivalent of a thief thinking it's a home owners fault that they were robbed because they didn't install an alarm system or left their door open. They practically LET themselves be robbed, didn't they?

throw it back at him, "oh but Daddy would rather be at work that take you himself

No relationship should be like this. Children should never be used as pawns in their parent's games as you have so badly advised. Her husband is meant to be on her side, not her playground enemy. If he's not, then they have a serious, deeper problem as as far as I'm concerned, there is no relationship.

It sounds like too much. Especially at that age - they need routines and to read at night. Move more to the weekend so he can take them

Well I'm afraid I'd be playing tit for tat if I decided to stay with such a prick, but I wouldn't stay. We all know that on Mumsnet, were either martyrs or man haters, I'm neither, I certainly wouldn't be doing stuff I didn't want to but most people posting on here don't actually want good advice that leads to resolution, they don't want to leave, they just want to moan without ACTUALLY doing anything to change their circumstances. In this case it's put up and shut up or just leave. I'd put money on the former, I've been here long enough to see it many times

Does your husband not drive? Hard to comment with no explanation as to why he doesnt take the kids to activities

I believe you need to learn to stand up to your husband and tell him no! Put him in his place. Sounds like he wants you and the kids out of the house as much as possible so he can do what he pleases in peace. What’s there to say he is not purposely being “late” back to avoid having to do anything re helping with kids? They are doing far to many activities, poor kids. Time you stood up to your Husband.

OP's DH is a Very Important Man with a Very Big Job. He is Very Busy and has no time for such unimportant things like taking his children to activities.

Tell him and his activities to fuck off

Say no

Your husband is a bully. And I don't think you realise this or are ready/willing to accept it. Several replies have told you to say 'no', several times you have replied that this isn't an option. He is a bully.

This is absolutely crazy. All that ferrying around after work AND at weekends. On top of a nursing degree and shift work!! I feel exhausted just reading it. Also when do the kids get any downtime? Time to just 'be' is essential for developing creativity and genuine interests. Something radical has to change.

How are your kids not exhausted??? They are so young to have so many activities. Football 3 times a week for 6 year old seems excessive. Is he hoping to go professional??

Far too much for children that age.

Tell DH you have decided to drop football. If he wants the kids to do football and golf he must do the runs for both.

Forced???????????????
Says it all. They’re your kids as well. Why does his opinion overrule everything? The kids must be exhausted and fed up. Why doesn’t HE take them to something if it’s so important?