Husband expects me to do so many out of school activities

[Flopberry]

I have a 4 & 6 year old and current time table is;

monday acting class for both in our local area, an hour later my son has football out of our area and leaves a lot of hanging about as not enough time to go home.

tuesday - football for my son, meaning I’m driving home to go back out of town

Friday - tennis in local area this is fine (for both)

Saturday - football out of town and then dancing (dancing for both)

sunday - park run out of our area

I messaged him and spoke today about how I need to drop something as I’m going into my final
year of nursing and I work bank shifts too, I simply can’t cope anymore. But instead of any compassion he’s asked me to now take my son to golf lessons on Thursday evenings (6 week course) I should point out that most of these activities are on during the summer holidays.

he’s making me feel like I want my own children to miss out. Of course I don’t, I’m just so mentally drained.

so am I being unreasonable to say no the golf (not that I have much of a choice, I most likely will be forced)

It's really none of his business what activities you do with the kids when he's at work! You don't tell him what to do when he's at work. You are 'working' when you are looking after the children. He clearly has issues. This is very controlling behaviour and very wrong of him to tell the kids that you don't want to take them. I would explain to them that actually you feel as that downtime would be beneficial to you all.
You also need to stand up to him and also do this in front of your children. If you don't, then you are teaching them that it is ok for some people to control others. Would you like them to grow up like you (without much of a voice) or worse, like your husband? Or do you want them to grow up with healthy ideas about how to manage relationships. It sounds very much to me that he doesn't want you to succeed because then he has the upper hand.

How the hell will you manage to work as a nurse once you qualify? If he expects you to be available every afternoon for ferrying your children to after school activities? Does the child want to play golf? Or don't they get a way in the matter much like you?

This

You and your husband are both totally unreasonable. In the week I'd say your 4 year old should be doing at least 0 activities outside school time, and at most 2, but only if one is a weekday evening and 1 is at the weekend. Your 6 year old between 0-3 things - Maximum 1 at the weekend. These should be their own things that they want to do/progress at. Otherwise some reading/spellings/other homework, lots of playing, family trips out (often local, walks in woods, park, etc), but sometimes maybe bigger - seaside, theme park, soft play, farm etc. What your kids need most is family time to be loved and cherished and to share stuff together. Also make time for seeing family and friends.

Agree with everyone - he's a dickhead and you'd be better off without him. I can't see counselling working as he sounds too stubborn

To add: the longer kids do something, the harder it is to 'take it away' from them so nip this in the bud now otherwise you really will be causing them upset.

I used the covid break to cut right back on activities.

The main thing that's helped us is sticking to stuff that's run at school - so they do loads, but it's all just an early drop off or later pick up. That actually makes my life a lot easier as I get a longer day to work / exercise / sort life out

I have only caught part way up, so apologies if the conversation has since moved on, but I must say, that you are “not allowed” is concerning to me. I would talk to your DC about needing to give something up and have a discussion about what they would struggle most to give up. Basically, let them each choose one thing that is “protected”. Then give up what you feel would best give you the balance you need. Your DH has made it such that this can not be a family discussion and joint adult decision as it should be so you’ll simply have to handle it yourself with DC.

Let your DH know that you will no longer be taking them to those activities, so it seems unwise to continue paying unless he will be taking them. You do not need to be “allowed”. If you are in fear of his reaction, then you have a much larger issue to deal with.

I mean - the solution is staring you in the face. Set up your own football club and park run in your own area - then you won’t have to travel out of area. 🤣😂
(this is sarcasm!)
Is the football all with 1 team? Could you reduce it?
Or have a picnic dinner on a Mon/Tuesday so you don’t need to go home.

We do quite a lot of evening classes but lots of them are on Outschool/virtually.
(Tennis and Park Run in person).

This sounds awful for you and your kids. Please stand up to him!

Oh OP - please, please read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.

You can download on the kindle app - don’t let your H know about it. It’s really compassionate and I think it will reasonate with you so much.

As PP have said, this is an extreme amount of activity for your children (especially the 4 yo - I can’t imagine how they even stay awake on the way home) and way too much unnecessary stuff for you to be doing in the midst of your degree.
Do what you must to survive your situation, but read that book and make a plan…

Whatever happens don’t give up your degree - you are going to need to have your own independence and income if this is the relationship you’re in.

wishing you the strength to get through this 💐

(And even more importantly take full control of contraception)

I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old. They would be a sobbing mess by the end of the week if they had to do that much.

they have swimming lessons one night a week and that is enough. They also used to do gymnastics but it was too much so we dropped the gymnastics (fun but optional at that age) and kept the swimming (essential life skill if like us you live near lots of open water)

I sadly have a lot of experience of a man like your husband. He won't give a shit what you have to say about it - all the posters saying grow a backbone etc have no idea just how pervasive in stopping you from being able to stand up for yourself and how manipulative men like this can be.

my suggestion would be to get the school onside and get them to suggest it's too much. You will get the blame still, probably for 'missing that they were too tired' or 'not communicating with me properly about it' but if it has the desired impact bite your tongue, enjoy the downtime it buys you and the kids for a while and plot your escape.

do not let the fucker wreck your training.

Strongly advise you NOT take this man to counselling - it is not recommended when you partner exerts control in the ways you mention and he will use what you say there against you.

You’re doing a fantastic job for your children - don’t let him convince you otherwise. But I’m afraid the thing you now and most need to do is reassess his treatment of you and what you want them to see as “normal”…

Where's your DH in all this?

DD does gymnastics Saturday, Monday & Tuesday 2hrs each time, plus after school clubs 2 days a week (separate pick-ups) and DS doing various clubs. But DH is runs the U14 football team for DS and able to run DD to gymnastics on the Saturday (he also does the weekly shop while he's waiting).

So the clubs don't sound unreasonably in themselves, provided both of the parents are pulling their weight. If just one parent is expected to juggle it all, absolutely no.

We have one Daughter who is 9 - always limited her to an absolute maximum of 3 extra curriculars and not on a weekend. She currently does a gardening club at school, Brownies and swimming. In my opinion that is more than enough and I do the majority of dropping off/picking up. Anymore would be too much for her and me. We also really enjoy weekends as a family.

He's a giant fucking twat! WHY are you letting him bully you like this? Drop the clubs you want (acting, really?) and tell him to sort it out if he wants them to do anything else. Do NOT sacrifice yourself on HIS altar, he's not a God!!

I left my husband for this kind of behaviour. I was utterly fed up of beating the weight of every extra curricular activity.

I found The Freedom Programme really good for helping me understand sh*t abusers do.

It can't be nearly as good to just read the stuff yourself- better to attend a group IRL or via Zoom https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ There are also a few little videos up

This one really made me think of the things you've said @Flopberry

Every woman should know the red flags of abusers, controller's tactics etc. If nothing else it makes you feel more empowered.

I think that you have to become more hard skinned, as in if he tries to shame you then don't take it to heart.

Just ignore and say no, kids need down time and creative play too, clubs are ok but not excessively.
When my son was 9 he started going with local friends to the park and that is what he remembers now as being the most enjoyable activity in his childhood. This article makes the point that children's leisure time is increasingly controlled (and monitised ) by adults, and unstructured unsupervised play is important for self development and independent thought.

(Quote from article) "Kids spend (only) four to seven minutes outside in unstructured, unsupervised time a day here in America.”

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/16/let-them-be-kids-is-free-range-parenting-the-key-to-healthier-happier-children

Are you sure he doesn't want to say 'The disobedient maid doesn't want to take you'?

He's emotionally manipulative and is assigning tasks for you to do and keep you busy like he's your manager. You are not allowed to say no as that is met with a punishment.

Do you have any downtime OP?

Because he does what all controlling people do, people who will not take no for an answer, which is to dish out a punishment. OP, being clearly tired from parenting, her schedule, not wanting her kids turned on her, and not wanting a horrible atmosphere in the house is trying to avoid this by complying.

He sounds like a wanker and I think this is a much larger issue in the rest of their marriage than what she's included in the post.

Ok so a few points,
ypu too are a parent to these children, you also get a say in how the family schedule looks.

of he is bad mouthing you to the kids and emotionally blackmailing you, that’s abuse, don’t take it. It’s unacceptable behaviour from him. The more you cave to his demands because he acts like a child if you don’t, the more he will demand. Stay strong and treat him like the child he is acting. “Sorry darling, mummy can’t take you to activity as mummy loves you so much she wants to spend some time with you and she wants to get a job so she can make sure we can always do fun things.” Trust me, your kids will remember this!

finally, community nursing 9-5 is a myth! You will work longer hours than you think and then there is traffic if you end up in a district role! So you will need a good childcare plan anyway. Remind your husband he is a parent, not a baby sitter and he is equally responsible for these children.

It sounds like your husband is trying to keep you as busy as possible so you suffer from burnout and a mental breakdown, thus failing your degree and forever stuck at home dependent and abused by him.

"Sorry husband, I'm working full time too and can't do after-school activities this year. I feel the children are doing enough at school and we need time as a family." - "you're right, I don't know what I was thinking", said normal husband who gives a shit.

That all sounds relentless. If DH can't help then so be it - but then it's up to you to decide what is doable and reasonable. I expect this has been said a million tomes before, but at their age your DCs should be learning to swim - ahead of almost anything else.

If they particularly love football or dancing etc, than try to keep up with that - but really don't start golf or other sports until they've learned to swim. Apart from safety it's a necessary for any future holiday!

And are they that bothered about acting or tennis? They're very young. My DCs changed their minds all the time at that age. As soon as they are less than enthused then drop the commitment. Save your time and money, and let them focus on something they may enjoy. At 4 and 6 it's all about trying things out (except swimming).

And yes - stand up to your DH, you need a life and your kids need some time to chill!

Hi, I'm new here. I have 2 older grown up children that are working and in uni. Things have changed rapidly and it looks like my Fiancé's son will be coming to live with us. It's highly likely that the court will want him to reside with us.
This is quite scary, as I said both my children are grown up and now I will be a step mum. We have an amazing relationship, and he's a great little boy.
I am in uni but work part time. Not sure if I will be able to work part time with school hours. Our local school doesn't have wrap around care.
Any advice would be much appreciated. I'm so out of touch with these things.
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@Cakeyface79 - you will find more answers if you post your own thread. Find a topic that looks like it will suit you, ie, Legal or Relationships, then it will tell you how to post your own thread.