Husband and Chinese take away

[SeaSnakes1]

We all love a Chinese take away in our house - we have three teenagers. A couple of months ago my husband had to go gluten free. Chinese take away is limited in terms of gluten free options so he’s said he’d rather not bother- fair enough his choice.

He’s now said nobody else in the house can get one as it’s cruel. He adored the Cantonese chicken balls and chicken chow mien. I thought he was joking , but he’s not. He has seriously said that it’s totally unacceptable and unfair for anyone to get a Chinese take away.

AIBU?

That’s a good option.

Take the kids out and DON’T cook gluten free food for him.

He needs to learn to sort his own diet out.

If I had to give up Chinese food I'd probably ask my family to P(m)TS and they'd probably do it

Just get him a different take away! It shouldn't mean everyone else misses out.

DD1 is vegetarian, we don't eat much meat anyway and of course her meals are always vegetarian but it doesn't mean none of are allowed to eat meat or fish around her.

You get chinese, he gets something else. Sorted.

I'm gf and I wouldn't tell other people not to get a Chinese takeaway, I'd just get something else.

If you were talking about going out to eat and one person couldn't be catered for, that would be different and he would be right to insist on going somewhere where everyone can eat. Takeaway is not the same though.

I have coeliac disease and therefore also missing out on delicious chinese takeaway - I really miss it. However your DH just needs to grow up - it wouldn't even occur to me to try and ruin or obstruct other people's enjoyment or meals simply because of that, let alone label it "cruel" or make it into something that resembled a genuine disagreement or bad feeling.

Honestly if that's what his definition of cruel his I'd say he's lived a pretty sheltered life.

Why can't he just get something else that he really likes instead or just accept it is the way it is as a one off every so often?

I also really want to know if he gave up alcohol, soft cheese, deli meats, liver and rare cooked meat while you were pregnant each time. If not, clearly you should have divorced him, but I’d sit him down and say it did not occur to you to support me then and you forgot to tell me at the time that you thought I should leave you for being a selfish fucker. But here we are and I expect you to show us the same grace when we order the Chinese we all really want, or you really are a selfish fucker. Go into another room and remember those beers, and your hoeing into the cheese plate, and ordering your steak done right, and your champagne at new years, and it never ever occurring to you to even be as considerate as to take it to another room, and think wow and she stayed with me?? By my standards I should be thanking my stars that I’m so lucky as to still have her. And let me enjoy my chinese.

Regardless, of coeliac or intolerance, it is traumatic.

You've eaten one way your entire life, and it's completely flipped on its head when you first begin to navigate gf eating. Can't eat fave foods, restaurants huff and puff at your questions, uncertainty, always planning ahead of group situations, being the ‘difficult’ one when dining out etc.

Worry about kitchen mix-ups or being "spiked". Having to go hungry whilst everyone eats because the cafe at the place you went out to isn't serving baked potatoes today and that was their one gf option. Getting migraines because you went hungry.

You are absolutely right, it is traumatic.

Our favourite fish and chip restaurant has a separate prep and cooking area for gluten free and the batter is different and made with GF flour, obviously. The change that took me most by surprise was the absence of the seasoning that's in the regular batter but you'd be surprised how many seasoning mixes have wheat in. I also miss malt vinegar.

And I agree that OP's H needs to start taking some responsibility for his own diet. OP is going to more trouble than I can even be arsed with for myself.

If it was just me and DP in the house in this position I personally wouldn't get a Chinese Takeaway. With kids I wouldn't expect them to miss out! Just order something different for him (even from another restaurant) or he makes his and you have the takeaway. Alternatively you and the kids go to a Chinese restaurant he goes elsewhere.

There are literally loads of gluten free options, rice is gluten free and anything not in batter also has a very good chance of being gf. I'm sure he could find something if he put a small amount of effort into researching suitable options. In the meantime definitely NBU for you and the family to enjoy! I avoid carbs completely but have still found suitable workarounds!

He can have his chicken chow mein but with rice noodles.

YANBU

I have recently found out I am intolerant to cow's milk. I haven't expected my family to adjust their eating habits to this I just adapt what I am eating.

Not going to lie it's bloody annoying, especially if it's things you enjoy but not much you can do about, no point making it miserable for everyone else!

I gave up dairy as a precautionary measure for my second DC as first had cmpa. I'd never tell my husband and son they can't have dairy (even though I'd glare at them eating cheese 😅). It's very controlling...

This sounds like medically he has had to give up gluten. Not a choice.

The first year of non-gluten is quite tricky and you are still learning. Your gut is healing and you still don’t feel particularly well. Also he is likely being told by a dietician how dangerous it is for him to consume gluten and been told to be very careful about cross contamination and ‘may contain’ issues. Eating out and ordering in becomes very anxiety ridden for a while! Especially while a dietician is shouting ‘difficult to treat bowel cancer’ at you every 8 weeks or so.

It’s all consuming to have to drastically change your habits and diet for quite some time.

It would be good for him, and you, to join some coeliac groups on Facebook to find GF hacks and eating out options and find the support that he needs.

Eventually he will feel so much better staying away from gluten that he won’t miss those loved treats and won’t be quite so upset that he can’t have them.

I would bear with him for a while, he is adjusting to a whole new life. Maybe give it some time. BUT after some time and once he has adjusted to his new lifestyle, there is no reason IMO why the rest of the family has to miss out. I would never dream of imposing this on my family. It's like if he has to suffer, everyone has to!

What was he like before having to go GF?

What don’t you just phone the Chinese and ask what gluten free dishes they could make. Guaranteed they get asked that all the time and will be able to prepare something easily enough if it’s all cooked from fresh

He is bu. Could a compromise be M&S chinese? Some of their dishes are GF and in the veg stir fry section there are rice noodles.

Is he celiac? I think you’re being unfair as you could go eat it with your kids out of the house or find a night DH will be out. If he’s celiac I think you’re being unsupportive as cross contamination is a huge risk.

@SeaSnakes1 oh yes I know about the seasonings! I occasionally cook for a young woman who has very severe cœliac disease, so absolutely no gluten - even a few breadcrumbs make her ill. Can you order regular fish&chips for you and your children or does your husband insist that everybody has the gluten-free version? That would be very egoïstically of him. When I cook for our girl I just do a GF version for her and she shares in whatever we have that is by nature GF like vegetables, potatoes etc.

Not likely. Soy sauce has wheat in it.

I've had waiters say to me to try X because it "only has a little bit of wheat in it". I do not recommend trusting chefs and waitstaff to get it right over the phone when some don't understand that even "a little bit" is too much. In person, I can at least double-check if the dish turns up without a little gf flag on it.

I’m on local gluten free Facebook groups where there are lots of recommendations (and otherwise) for gf take outs. There are definitely some Chinese ones in my city. Maybe you could have a good look around? Join local social media groups for ideas?
Getting him something else, or getting one when he’s not around is a fair compromise in my opinion - I’m generally not fussed what others eat and take my own treat/order my own as definitely don’t expect much, if any, compromise for my coeliac from others. However, I was sad one year when whole family had burgers, hot dogs, chips and I had a falafel burger no cob, no chips, dumped in front of me 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣 - they didn’t really know what I could/couldn’t eat so no blame, unfortunately my face gave me away as to my lack of delight.
You, and especially the kids, should not be stopped from having stuff you like at all, however you choose to accommodate hubby - in face not you accommodate- he is big enough to accommodate an alternative himself.

Ours does a full gf menu, perhaps try a different one that offers gf options.

Wow. My eleven year old child is coeliac and even he wouldn’t try to dictate what others can and can’t have. If we get a treat he can’t have I work with him to find him something he’s equally excited about. Job done.