AIBU to not need "the village"?

[holycannaloni]

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

This. You have raised children with a support network around, you've just paid for it. If you had ill health or lost a job, you (or your kids) would have had to find more of a 'village'. It's also about living in a human society - John Donne's hardly recently, and he's the one who said 'no man is an island'. There's an epidemic of loneliness out there, of people who don't feel they're part of a 'village' and maybe of people who never bothered to be part of one themselves and are now feeling the impact.

One day we'll mostly be old, and mostly alone, and also need a village. I wouldn't want my kids to be responsible for my care in old age, but do hope that if we've done a decent job as parents, they'll want us to still be part of each others' lives, and that they'll be a part of their community too - not live like privileged islands, unaware of how much of society depends on us depending on each other.

I'm sorry but I will not count my husband as part of 'my village' - that's ridiculous and so reductive of the role of Dad's. That's why so many men get away with being rubbish parents - he is as much of an equal parent as I am, he is not an extra support in the same way as childcare for goodness sake.

(And where did I say we have 'unlimited funds'? We struggled massively during childcare years, although obviously not as much as others and for that I'm grateful)

I don’t have much of a ‘village’. To be honest I don’t even really have a friends who just drop a text to see how we are doing anymore, never mind offering to help. Can’t even remember the last time someone rang or visited just to a chat or a catch up.

I would bloody love a village, or even a friend who would take time out of their lives to see me and my child. It’s hard going, and we sort of manage. But life would be so much more enjoyable if we had more people to engage with x

Yes nice to have the village. But if you dont you just manage. Had good neighbour in an emergency. Was always bit envious of those with loads of help.

This is true too!

We’ve certainly made/ joined a village of that kind where we live now and it does make a difference

I feel exactly the same, and my DC are now young adults.

You absolutely DO need outside input!
I guess it could be the semantics of the phrase, of course I used schools, universities and health care, but I certainly didn't have nor did I desire, child rearing support from family and friends. My DH and I chose to have DC and are responsible for them and decisions regarding them.
I am very grateful to live in a civilised society.

Personality traits probably play a part here. I adored the fact my maternity hospital allowed me to find my own way to breastfeed for example, whereas some of my contemporaries complained about lack of intervention which they would have seen as helpful.

I agree with you OP.

I think it’s really interesting you say your kids are 12 & 8 and you think you’re mostly through the more involved part of parenting. I found the babies/young children/tween stage pretty much a doddle by comparison to dealing with my teens. None of them are in any way particularly difficult but it is far more emotionally involving and tricky to navigate. Having other adults who will give them alternative perspectives to yours (because teens don’t always want to give credence to what their parents say) is extremely helpful.

@holycannaloni

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting or needing family and friends in put but when considering the need of ‘the village’ you have to erase your personal privileges and consider motherhood as a whole.

Having a supportive 50/50 partner and being able to afford ‘all the nursery you need’ is unfortunately not the average mums position so judging or indirectly ‘looking down’ on them for feeling that need for external support reads an awful lot as your ignorance to your own privilege.

I say this as a mum who also has a very good DH and whose two small children do go to a lovely nursery a couple of mornings a week whilst I’m a SAHM. I’m extremely privileged, but one of my children is disabled and extremely high needs which has altered my parenting experience dramatically. I definitely do need ‘the village’ else our lives would be unbearably limited but had both children been healthy I suspect I’d have felt like you.

It’s easy not to need free help when you can afford to pay for professional help.

It’s easy to manage without emotional support when your life is going reasonably well and you have no significant health, financial or emotional crisis going on.

Maybe look at it the other way round. There's a lot of evidence that social ties, especially helping other people, is at the root of happiness. As someone who - right now - is lucky you might not need help, but you are losing out on the opportunity to help.

I left before DS started school, but the village school about 16 kids and one teacher, I’ve no idea who cleaned it, though I know someone must have prepared the lunches. There were certainly no after school clubs! Parents were pretty spread out though some would have known each other socially!

I read 'Hold onto your kids' by Gabor Mate and he talks about the emotionally dangerous trend towards 'peer orientation' in teens and young people. He describes why adult relationships outside of parents are important. I won't do it justice if I try to explain but the book is worth a read. It made me want to make sure my children have adults around them that are a positive influence and that model the things I value.

So is your point that you don't understand people wanting extended family heavily involved in their children's lives?

Aside from this, look up the meaning of it takes a village to raise a child.

It doesn't just mean childcare.

I also think it's lovely if a child is exposed to their extended family (as long as they are non toxic of course) and if you are lucky enough to have a good family/friends exposure to all kinds of different people is great for a childs development and sense of self, their understanding of the world.

Yes school is one part of it but close friends and family is something very different isn't it?

All of it combined shapes a child and their view of the world.

Not your what your definition of a 'village' is...

Mine includes my postman/woman. People at the local shop. The chemist a few yards away - for prescriptions etc. The local pub (very family friendly).
My next door neighbours...

Delivery drivers....DD's friends and their families...the school/college/uni...

@CecilyP your child must have attended some type of school though. I didn’t mean the one that it’s literally the village primary. Whatever school your child attended was part of their “village “ aka community.

Totally agree with this.
@Cantstaystuckforever when my 1st was born, my partner was working 6 days a week ,12 hr days, my Mum had died 6 years previously and my Dad got remarried and moved 100 miles away 3 weeks before my son was born. I had been seeing a counsellor for over a year- but couldn't continue as i had no one to look after my son. He had colic, a tongue and didn't sleep for more than an hr at a time for weeks and weeks. PND was an unwelcome visitor. the HV told me about a baby massage group that I managed to get to eventually. this was 10 miles away and i felt i shouldn't be driving-i felt drunk the 1st time i drove. We had very little money. My sister came up twice from where she lived (60 miles away) to get me a food shop and another time she let me go for a half hour sleep.
You had childcare, friends, money, a supportive husband etc
I felt so alone and missed my Mum hugely. HTH

Children need a village as well as parents.

The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years

Id say the complete opposite. DM was a SAHM as was DMIL when myself/DH and our siblings were small. Neither me or DH come from
money and both had dads who were away for ages on end. No local extended family as kids

Both of them think parenting has become a lot more insular compared to their day. They were always popping round to other people’s houses, or going to stay and plays, or having kids round to the garden or having other people’s DC in an emergency. That included working mothers too - mums best friend worked throughout and her kids were frequently at others and it was just the norm. It may have not been called a ‘village’ but there just seemed to be a lot more collaboration. Amongst my friends now, including those who are SAHMs (which granted, isn’t many) this just isn’t so much of a thing anymore. People do their own things as a nuclear family and then struggle in an emergency, or even just in the day to day. I’d say the concept of the village is talked about more because it’s what’s really lacking in a lot of working parent families, aside from paid for childcare.

@LocalHobo Personality traits probably play a part here. I adored the fact my maternity hospital allowed me to find my own way to breastfeed for example, whereas some of my contemporaries complained about lack of intervention which they would have seen as helpful.

Are you seriously attributing other women's struggles with breastfeeding to 'personality traits'? This thread is really bringing out people who were born on third base but think they hit a home run... 😵

oh and my in laws lived 10 miles away but were useless. Their daughter had her 2nd baby days after my son was born. She has always been numero uno!!! They didn't care about me or my son

I agree with this

Do you never share lifts to activities/matches/parties with other parents?

Based on the information provided it seems you haven't needed a village due to your circumstances. I could have really done with a village when my son was ill, my mum had terminal cancer and my grandfather (who I was responsible for) was on end of life all at the same time. My son is disabled and can't access regular childcare, a village would be useful.

Saying you have managed without a village is a bit like a rich person saying they are doing fine in the col crisis.

But who actually would step in if you didn’t have extended family? Not many of the people or organisations that posters have referenced as the village.

Me too. I think community is really important. Not for childcare as much (it's much more structured now than when I was little) but more for looking out for others, ensuring your kids realise the impact of their behaviour on others (especially when they hit the teen years), having empathy for those around us, ensuring we all take care of the area in which we live.

The village analogy has recently been used on threads regarding adults picking children up on rudeness etc, which I think is a good thing. I grew up with people who round me who cared for me a huge amount but also weren't afraid to let me know if I was being rude.