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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not need "the village"?

393 replies

holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 14:57

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

OP posts:
Creditcrunch2243 · 27/06/2023 15:21

I know exactly what you mean. I always think the same about food banks. When I need food I just go down to my kitchen and get some, I really can’t understand why anyone would want to use one! 🙄

Lacucuracha · 27/06/2023 15:21

GloomySkies · 27/06/2023 14:59

You have a supportive husband, money, reliable childcare, you and your children have close friends - and you simply cannot picture that other people in a less fortunate position may wish they had support? Honestly?

First response nailed it, as often happens. And of course OP ignored it.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 27/06/2023 15:21

Are you in the 12 years you've had a child you've never needed anyone else?
Every social event you've watched your children and not a friend or family member has stepped in?

Toddler101 · 27/06/2023 15:22

Creditcrunch2243 · 27/06/2023 15:21

I know exactly what you mean. I always think the same about food banks. When I need food I just go down to my kitchen and get some, I really can’t understand why anyone would want to use one! 🙄

Terrible analogy.

Devonshiregal · 27/06/2023 15:22

Panicmode1 · 27/06/2023 15:06

I work at a well known charity that provides a 'village' to those with preschool children who don't have one, and the families we help range from those using food banks to those living in affluent splendour. We support families for all sorts of reasons and some need more help than others. Just because you feel you can say "I'm alright, Jack", doesn't mean that everyone can ...!

Any chance you could say what charity? Sounds like it would be very helpful for some people here.

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:22

@JenniferBarkley This is interesting, I hadn't considered a village in that way but if you do then I suppose we do have one, of sorts.

OP posts:
Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:23

@Lacucuracha I just responded!

OP posts:
Harryyourenogoodalone · 27/06/2023 15:24

It's about your child needing other adults around them to enrich their lives and teach them stuff. Not you!

Could be nursery staff, friends parents etc

JenniferBarkley · 27/06/2023 15:24

holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:22

@JenniferBarkley This is interesting, I hadn't considered a village in that way but if you do then I suppose we do have one, of sorts.

To me it just means a community around your family to prop you up when needed.

Think back to the start of covid - if you'd all been stuck in the house for a fortnight isolating at zero notice, is there someone you could have texted to drop off bread and milk if you couldn't get a delivery slot?

That's your village, your community.

CecilyP · 27/06/2023 15:25

Needmorelego · 27/06/2023 15:19

@CecilyP baby clinics (aka children’s centres) and schools are strange things to say are just “nice to have”. I would say they are fairly essential needs.

There was no baby clinic or children’s centre in the village where I lived, and the triple duty nurse (health visitor) I tried best to avoid, thought I’ll grant there was a school. Though I’m not sure the education system is generally what people are referring to when they say, it takes a village.

MissyB1 · 27/06/2023 15:26

holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:10

What do you mean? My children are 12 and 8, so we've lived quite a lot of parenting life now and things really do get easier every year, particularly in terms of logistics/childcare/etc.

Show quote history

Aaah bless, so you haven’t experienced the teenage years yet? Don’t assume it’s going to keep on getting easier…..

DPotter · 27/06/2023 15:27

"The Village" isn't and never has been all about childcare. It's about providing the child with a range of people to learn from, to relate to and to love and be loved by. A set of characters if you will, who help shape the child's world, often in minor, brief ways.

To say or imply the "village" is just about childcare is very limited viewpoint. Actually it's a sad way to look at the society you live in, if that's all you think about.

I know he's a bit cliché, but there's a line in Ed Sheeran song, Castle on the Hill, where's he's talking about what's become of his friends, and he can't wait to see them again "as these people raised me". I know my childhood friends shaped the person I am today - they were part of my village, along with the neighbours, the people on the bus, local shopkeepers, the librarian, my Mum's work colleagues, etc. You can't raise a well balanced child in total isolation from another living breathing human - that's what the village is for.

Needmorelego · 27/06/2023 15:27

@Toddler101 I think you and I (and some others on here) clearly have different ideas of what “it takes a village” means.
To me it’s the society around you - not specifically family and friends.

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:27

@MissyB1 I imagine it will get emotionally much harder (and I have girls!) but logistically it clearly will be easier, at least in our situation.

OP posts:
Harryyourenogoodalone · 27/06/2023 15:28

All this I don't need anyone posting is missing the point. I grew up in an insular family and absolutely wished my parents believed in collectivism, ideas sharing and other influences.

CecilyP · 27/06/2023 15:28

MissyB1 · 27/06/2023 15:26

Aaah bless, so you haven’t experienced the teenage years yet? Don’t assume it’s going to keep on getting easier…..

Show quote history

I agree with holycannaloni and I’m way past the teenage years!

MavisMcMinty · 27/06/2023 15:29

DPotter · 27/06/2023 15:27

"The Village" isn't and never has been all about childcare. It's about providing the child with a range of people to learn from, to relate to and to love and be loved by. A set of characters if you will, who help shape the child's world, often in minor, brief ways.

To say or imply the "village" is just about childcare is very limited viewpoint. Actually it's a sad way to look at the society you live in, if that's all you think about.

I know he's a bit cliché, but there's a line in Ed Sheeran song, Castle on the Hill, where's he's talking about what's become of his friends, and he can't wait to see them again "as these people raised me". I know my childhood friends shaped the person I am today - they were part of my village, along with the neighbours, the people on the bus, local shopkeepers, the librarian, my Mum's work colleagues, etc. You can't raise a well balanced child in total isolation from another living breathing human - that's what the village is for.

Ah, really well put, and what I failed to articulate in my reply upthread.

Travelfan2021 · 27/06/2023 15:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

randomsabreuse · 27/06/2023 15:30

The only person you can really rely on is yourself. So "village" is great until you really need them then they piss off on their other more important things or just interfere unnecessarily and screw things up worse.

"Villages" are an illusion at best

gogomoto · 27/06/2023 15:30

You are essentially buying "the village" but my advice isnt to be too confident, everyone comes to a point where that breaks down

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:30

@Harryyourenogoodalone I'm sorry you feel that way about your upbringing. Insular in what way? Our children have wide circles of friends both in and out of school, and we have friends who they encounter as well. I wouldn't describe us as insular, just not reliant on others around us.

But it seems as if there are a lot of different interpretations of a village, and maybe what we have does count as one after all!

OP posts:
CecilyP · 27/06/2023 15:32

I suppose ‘it takes a village’ can mean anything you want it to mean as shown by the diversity of responses on this thread. So that unless you’re a total hermit, you will have a village of some sort.

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:32

@CecilyP @Travelfan2021 thank you! I think some people just constantly love to say how much worse the next stage always is..... I expect that at some point they'll say an adult child is even harder than anything that came before!

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 27/06/2023 15:32

@CecilyP school and all the people connected to it - other parents, staff, after school club leaders, the cleaners (basically anyone your children and you would interact with) are part of the “village “

Plmoknijbuhv · 27/06/2023 15:33

I don't "need" extended family for my children to manage, but my children's lives are massively enriched by having them in their lives. Other people bringing different ideas and experiences to them that we would not provide. Once at school childcare becomes much more difficult with no nursery running 51 weeks a year. In my experience school aged children would rather not need to spend long periods at holiday clubs