AIBU to not need "the village"?

[holycannaloni]

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

It seems like some people use 'village' to mean - the basic running of society (school staff/cleaners etc.) Which I don't think is the way I see a lot of people using it on here, or how I've always understood it. But it is interesting how differing views are on this!

Thank you "MavisMcMinty"

The village isn't for you! It's for the child. A child brought up just by parents however well meaning is at a big disadvantage. A child needs to see different sorts of relationships, see different religions, mix with people of different ages, politics, with academics and people who love sports or art or are clannish about a football team or a brand of technology. It's cultural capital, and its what makes people confident, interesting, not afraid to take risks, have diverse freindship groups and resilience.

What would you do if you had a baby and a toddler and your partner ended up in hospital?

You would have to get a childminder to look after your children.

That is where the village can step in.

Lol, yes, the idea of 'a village' is modern phenomenon developed online.

Not many people know that tribal societies only formed in the late 90s.

But unless you're bringing your child up homeschooling in some kind of completely isolated area of the world your children are going to experience that through just living their life, no? And that's not a village, that's just living in society.

My husband suffered severe postnatal anxiety and I really needed help - it was such a struggle being away from family. This whole thing comes across as a bit smug tbh… congrats for finding it so easy?!

My DC are both adults now and I never had this village which people talk about. My husband was in the defence forces, we never lived anywhere near family, and friends came and went. My husband was never much help either. But I loved being a mum, and had a blast bringing them up.I didn't need a village !

Yep. I think a lot of MNers misunderstand the term. I've always understood the phrase to mean the people in your community who look out for your children, whether you know them or they're strangers who see your child about to run into the road and grab them. Or maybe their cub leader, or your neighbours who show an interest in them and stop to chat with them.

It's not about a village doing practical care, it's about people around you whose influence might seem small, but when combined with everyone else's, plays a part in your child's well-being

I can't imagine not having my ''village''.

Nursery
Family
Friends

All either look after my baby regularly or step in if there's an emergency. Grandparents also have him overnight once a month just because.

@Lalalalalalalalalalal I'm sorry you went through that. I don't think I'm smug but I have found parenthood pretty easy, certainly compared to the current narrative of how awful it is which seems to be everywhere.

I think you underestimate quite how many families deal with 'tragedies' and quite how lucky you've been (so far).

Waiting until slightly later in life to have children with a man I knew would be an equal, competent parent won't necessarily protect you from developing cancer (as one friend of mine recently has), or prevent your children from developing serious life-threatening illnesses which mean you have substantial amounts of time where one child is in hospital hours away from your home whilst your other child(ren) need to continue with their day to day life at home as myself and another 3 of my friends have.

It's pointless saying "so I don't include them in this" when you obviously have no idea just what a large proportion of families that applies to.

You have a supportive husband, money, reliable childcare, you and your children have close friends - and you simply cannot picture that other people in a less fortunate position may wish they had support? Honestly?

This! You’ve got your village.

I would really love more of a village. I have excellent, reliable childcare and have always made sure I have this to varying degrees, but no local relatives. Often really wish I had family locally who I could ask to just “pop in” if I need to work a bit late or attend an evening event - I’m a single mum working fully time, and it’s really hard explaining to people that you don’t really have any time to spare for them!

Having a village isn't just about childcare. Having emotional support and someone to go to for advice is equally as important.

That said, you shouldn't feel too smug about not needing a village. Life can change on a sixpence no matter how well you think you've planned things. One of my 'village' had a seemingly perfect life, had her child older whilst in a loving marriage, they were well off and had no issues. Until her husband emptied the bank accounts out of nowhere and buggered off with another school mum. She was very grateful for her 'village' then who all jumped in to support her.

I tend to agree that my definition of a village would be a little wider, those involved with your child, including those who you seek advice from etc. I think you do have a privileged position to afford aspects of ‘your village’ I share these privileges and like you have worked hard and had DC older to be in this position. I have however relied on ‘my village’ for childcare within the families and close friends through choice. I’ve also had several friends have severe illnesses and have lost one recently, so I absolutely value the closeness of my village. You never know what’s round the corner. I also recognise that some don’t have the same opportunities be that wealth or family/friends so I am grateful of my good fortune and can appreciate why others would want a village or wonder where theirs is if no support is forthcoming.

But unless you're bringing your child up homeschooling in some kind of completely isolated area of the world your children are going to experience that through just living their life, no? And that's not a village, that's just living in society.

Yes, and that's the whole point of the saying @holycannaloni ! It takes a village to raise a child. And it does, and has for virtually all of us when we were children.

It doesn't mean that something has to actively be provided or else a child misses out. It's staying the obvious. That children are influenced and helped by the.community around them. Society IS the village.

It's just been misinterpreted by some posters on mumsnet.

To be honest it just sounds like you are very privileged and have been very lucky not to have struggled or fallen on hard times where you needed outside help. I’m not sure what the point of starting this thread was.

I've always taken the phrase to mean that parents aren't the only ones who should be guiding and setting boundaries for their children. The community around them should feel it is able to do this. Many parents are hopeless - if the "village" - wider family, teachers, neighbours, community leaders - has no say at all in the upbringing of the children in their midst, then those children grow up with no discipline whatsoever. And that's a problem.

That's my understanding as well.

And crucially, that children misbehaving would be pulled up by neighbours, friends, the local shop keeper etc. When I was growing up, if an adult told you off for being naughty you were hoping beyond hope that if you apologised then they'd let it go and wouldn't tell your parents. Contrast that with the current thread about behaviour in schools now...

The point about the village is that it isn't just a one-sided thing - it's about a community helping to teach children right and wrong and how to behave.

There was quite an entertaining bunfight on Nextdoor a few weeks back, where one bloke had posted bemoaning the lack of 'village'. He quickly backpedalled when a neighbour pointed out that they'd recently told his DS off for dropping litter - only to be confronted by the bloke and told in no uncertain terms that they weren't to discipline his son, who has carried on dropping litter because 'Dad said you can't tell me off'.

I’m not sure you understand what the “village” is, tbh. It IS society, and as others have said, not really about childcare. Everything said and done around your watching/listening children has an influence on who/what they turn into, that’s what the village means.

Here you go @holycannaloni

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_takes_a_village

Not sure the "village" helps with special needs. I imagine most people stay well away from any child/family who is considered to be "difficult" or "not like my children". We see enough posts on here about ND children who don't get invited to birthday parties.

I am sure it must be lovely to have heaps of friends who will step in if you are ill or have other problems. In the real world, I don't think it happens very often.

I never thought of the village as being the close family and friends who might babysit or bring you a lasagna when you’re sick. I always thought of it as referring to much less closely connected people looking out for children all the time. So if you’re at the park and your 2 year old is pulling in one direction while your 5 year old is running in the other, the village is the teen lad playing footy, or the dog walker, or other mum, who stops to intercept the 5 year old before they make it out of the gate. The village is the lady at the post office who kindly distracts your kid while you rummage in your purse for your card. The village is the man sailing a remote control boat on the lake who’s never met your kid before but takes the time to let them have a go and explains how boats tack against the wind.