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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not need "the village"?

393 replies

holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 14:57

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

OP posts:
Elfandwellbeing · 28/06/2023 21:14

Good for you.

Notenoughtime23 · 28/06/2023 21:19

I don’t need a village per se but I love having one. Myself and most of my friends are working mums with supportive, helpful husbands. 90% of the time myself and my husband just juggle the childcare but I am so grateful for friends abs family the other 10% of the time. My parents and brother look after my children overnight at least once every other month so me and my husband can have some time for us. I have friends that will take the kids off my hands for an hour during school holidays if I have an important meeting or when my grandad was in his last days and they took my son out while my daughter was at school so I could be with him my in laws are also fantastic friends with doing school runs and if I’m in the office.
Yes I could cope without the village but my life is a lot easier with them. I also in turn will also help friends out if needed. If anyone asks for help and we can’t do it then it’s no hard feelings but equally if it is something important like illness/funeral I would put myself out to help out friends and they would do the same.
I feel I am so lucky to have such amazing, helpful people in my life and it’s a shame not everyone has that.

blackheartsgirl · 28/06/2023 21:32

I wish I had a village…

im doing this completely on my own…

I seem to be part of other peoples villages ( I have grandchildren for instance) but when it comes to needing help with my younger dc I am on my own

Inwiththenew · 28/06/2023 22:04

A lot of people fall for this rubbish because the idea is so nicely presented, by Barak Obama no less. But there are nefarious reasons why governments want people to think that children need more than their parents to thrive. And that is because governments want to take away your rights as a parent, which are being slowly eroded every day. It’s a lovely daydream but the reality is there’s probably a few minor attracted persons in the village and who wants to risk that?

caringcarer · 28/06/2023 22:28

I've never really needed help from anyone but DH but my Mum and MiL have helped out because they wanted too but not really necessary. My MiL had DS for a week every summer from the time he was 7 until he was 17. He liked to go because in-laws lived by coast and he got spoiled to the extreme by both dgp. We'd never have asked them to have him though they invited him and he accepted. When my older 2 DC were small I lived close to my Mum & Dad. Mum used to say don't take DC up around the town they'll get bored drop them off to me and your Dad we'll entertain them. My Dad took them to the play park to play football with them, then Mum baked cookies with them each week.

theleafandnotthetree · 28/06/2023 22:37

Inwiththenew · 28/06/2023 22:04

A lot of people fall for this rubbish because the idea is so nicely presented, by Barak Obama no less. But there are nefarious reasons why governments want people to think that children need more than their parents to thrive. And that is because governments want to take away your rights as a parent, which are being slowly eroded every day. It’s a lovely daydream but the reality is there’s probably a few minor attracted persons in the village and who wants to risk that?

WTAF?

Zeezee82 · 29/06/2023 07:53

I don’t have a village. We have 2-3 amazing friends we can ask for help. But they have their own families so we try not to.
life would be so much easier if our village were still around/alive, but they’re not and we still thrive

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 29/06/2023 07:54

@Inwiththenew U ok hun?

Inwiththenew · 29/06/2023 08:57

Yeah, but I agree a bit much for Mumsnet! I was just shocked at how many disagreed with the op. I bit of help and support is great and welcome but you don’t need a bloody village.

Needmorelego · 29/06/2023 09:17

@Inwiththenew going by this thread it seems people are interpreting the “it takes a village to raise a child” to mean completely different things. The phrase (and concept) has been around longer than any influence Obama would have had on it.
A “bit of help and support” is the same as “a village”.
If you have people who can support you in any way then you have a “village”. The OP said she used a nursery for her children…..that’s part of her village.

LolaSmiles · 29/06/2023 09:25

A “bit of help and support” is the same as “a village”.
This!

But it's interesting on here how many threads there are of posters saying they don't bother with friendships, don't spend time with family, don't answer the door or talk to their neighbours, etc because they don't need anything from anyone and they're just fine as their little nuclear family, but then the amount of complaints about how difficult it is if you've not got friends/family/parent friends you can call on etc are also high.

SallyWD · 29/06/2023 09:28

For me it's not so much about "needing" the village, it's about how having a village can be beneficial, especially to the child.
We never had a village. Parents and in-laws live hundreds of miles away. We had to move to a new city when the children were tiny so didn't even have any friends nearby.
Yes I'd say we didn't NEED the village. We actually managed just fine on our own. But my God, it would have been nice to have a village! I see families that live near the grandparents or siblings and cousins and I envy them. I really think children benefit from growing up surrounded by that familial love and support. I think it enriches their lives.
My brothers and their families live close to my parents. Because of that proximity and the frequency of their contact I see just how emotionally close they all are. Don't get me wrong - my family is equally loved and valued but my children are not growing up to be close to their cousins or grandparents. Every time they meet (which is sadly only once or twice a year) there's a distance and shyness between them. The children of my 2 brothers are like best friends and share so much time together. I feel my children have missed out.

SallyWD · 29/06/2023 09:28

For me it's not so much about "needing" the village, it's about how having a village can be beneficial, especially to the child.
We never had a village. Parents and in-laws live hundreds of miles away. We had to move to a new city when the children were tiny so didn't even have any friends nearby.
Yes I'd say we didn't NEED the village. We actually managed just fine on our own. But my God, it would have been nice to have a village! I see families that live near the grandparents or siblings and cousins and I envy them. I really think children benefit from growing up surrounded by that familial love and support. I think it enriches their lives.
My brothers and their families live close to my parents. Because of that proximity and the frequency of their contact I see just how emotionally close they all are. Don't get me wrong - my family is equally loved and valued but my children are not growing up to be close to their cousins or grandparents. Every time they meet (which is sadly only once or twice a year) there's a distance and shyness between them. The children of my 2 brothers are like best friends and share so much time together. I feel my children have missed out.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/06/2023 10:01

Yeah, but I agree a bit much for Mumsnet! I was just shocked at how many disagreed with the op. I bit of help and support is great and welcome but you don’t need a bloody village.

How old are your kids?

Are they out in the world without you?
Do they like their teachers?

Grrrrdarling · 29/06/2023 10:28

holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 14:57

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

You have ‘a village’ but it isn’t the same village that others have or don’t have.
The ‘village’ literally means that you aren’t doing it all on your own & have back up help with kids & life to fall back on if you need to.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/06/2023 10:29

The nursery, midwives, childrens centre staff, health visitor are all part of your village

Devora13 · 29/06/2023 10:32

I think having a wider network exposes our children to a whole range of different social and cultural experiences, different ages, different ways of doing things. They may get this at school for example, or nursery, but this tends to be much more regimented and limited than exposure to real life. Obviously you need to have the time to get involved and make sure what they are doing and who they are mixing with is safe and so that you can role model how to integrate with different people.

thecatsthecats · 29/06/2023 10:49

I'm pregnant, and my friend shared a wanky article with me about "the village".

Our other (childfree) friend just posted in the group chat that she's had an appalling week and apologised for being whacked when we meet up at the weekend... Only to get jibes from the wanky village article friend about her being a tired parent and joking that the childfree woman could look after her kids whilst she rested.

So it seems like a supportive village is something that she feels entitled to, but not our lovely friend who is exhausted for other reasons.

Needmorelego · 29/06/2023 11:05

@thecatsthecats it would be interesting to read that “wanky” article because the conversation you had with your friends doesn’t sound anything like what “it takes a village to raise a child” actually means.

MrsAvocet · 29/06/2023 11:09

I'm assuming that all these people who think they are raising their children without any help from anyone else either have very young children who don't yet do anything outside the nuclear family or they homeschool (without using any homeschool groups etc) and have absolutely no extracurricular activities? Or maybe it's that they just don't recognise or value what other people do - the ladies who run the toddler group, the Brownie/Scout leaders, dance teacher, dinner ladies, sports coaches and so on?
We all need input from other people at some point.* *

falafelprincess · 29/06/2023 11:12

I don't have a village and feel like I need one both working ft can't afford childcare can't afford anything really don't own a house etc. just struggling every day. In the U.K. it's almost like everyone assumes you have family help. I am truly truly struggling every single day and wish I could just run away from it all quite regularly.

Hoping once primary school years out the way and I survive all will get better. Would give anything for a break.

Needmorelego · 29/06/2023 11:13

@MrsAvocet exactly. Very few families literally raise their children with absolutely no outside influence. If they did I would imagine social services would be concerned.

Needmorelego · 29/06/2023 11:18

@falafelprincess if your children are still pre school age do you not ever take them to a playgroup, rhyme time at the library, free activities at a local museum, health clinic visits, regular trips to the local shop where you see the same staff member each time, to the local park where you see familiar faces….?
That’s your village.
That’s what it means.
(If you don’t do anything like that - you really need to. It’s important to your mental health as well as your children)

AliRud · 29/06/2023 11:33

To be honest, I've always thought of the 'Village' as more of a community thing rather than family/friends? Playgroups, Health agencies, Schools, churches, etc.?

T1Dmama · 29/06/2023 13:35

I think the ‘it takes a village’ saying probably comes from the days when there was no childcare, no benefit system or help for single parents… years ago if a mum/dad of small children died the father/mother still needed to work so all the neighbours chipped in and helped until they ‘took another wife/husband’ which often happened because people did anything to stay out of the workhouses!

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