AIBU to not need "the village"?

[holycannaloni]

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

It's an African proverb.

My kids go to school, we have friends and we have a lovely babysitter we use when we need it/ have the money. We see our families but we don’t have anyone who spends time with the kids without us. I think there are many people like this out there but it doesn’t get talked about.

@Needmorelego I thought it takes a village to raise a dc meant parents get a day off every now and then due to having help from friends family or paid childcare. I have none of those. Would love a break!!!

Dh travelling all the time feel like I'm going to keel over most days. Have seen doctor as feel so run down but said I just need to reduce how much I work. Sure. Sounds simple. Shame landlord doesn't agree with doctor!! Live rurally to reduce the rent and have to drive everywhere which costs money. Anyway it clearly doesn't take a village as I'm still alive but it's not great and I wish there was more empathy for those that haven't got friends and family or paid childcare.

@Kaiserchief if your children are attending school then that’s time away from you.
The school is part of “the village” and all the people (adults and children) they will come into contact with. Dozens of people every day.

@T1Dmama ”It takes a village to raise a child” comes from old African proverbs.

OP of course you are not being unreasonable for not needing "a village".
You are however unreasonable to make the statement without understanding what "A village" actually means.

It is not family or friends to do free childcare. It is the community surrounding your child, the range of people they come i to contact with and have positive effects on your child.

We have an awesome community and i have a wonderful village. I have never needed childcare from anyone, my friends have positive impacts on our DS, help mould them and nurture them the way i do, look out for them. We have people in our little cul de sac, who he goes in and has a drink off and a chat about his day ranging from 20 -84 years old.
His grandfather's show him love and he knows he is protected.
His school community is lovely, he has great friends he see inside and out of school.
He has clubs he goes to which he has friends and positive role models in. Etc etc

Yea I see, that’s good. I do ‘worry’ (for want if a better word) that the only family they really have is me and my husband. We had no idea it was going to be this way - my MIL for instance nagged for many years for us to have a baby.

Having a village isn't just about child care it's also a good way to give back and support others which teaches kids how to be part of a community.

My friends are hugely helpful but when I am able to support them and their kids that's when I am happiest. It's gives me some purpose beyond single sn's mom. It gives me a confidence boost.

Having a village isn't just about child care it's also a good way to give back and support others which teaches kids how to be part of a community

Absolutely, one of the guys we have a drink and chat with is 86, we also put their bins out, empty their house rubbish into outdoor bins, bring him in shopping etc. Our DS sees us helping, adds to the community and teaches him about being thoughtful to others

Ok, to me, lots of people here are just talking about society.... Health workers, class teachers, home visitors. That's how society works unless you live in a commune in the woods, so of course my kids have had that
Takes a village to me is the friends, neighbours and family who assist, regularly. This definitely can come with strings and problems depending on history.

And I intentionally volunteer to give back.

When this comes up alot I always think people want a village when they want something out of it, they never mention what they put into the village themselves

I love this. 💖 Exactly, it is about helping others which is so important for kids to see.

But it doesn't literally mean "the village" 🙄

I have been trying to think how best to respond.

I used to think the village was parents, family, aunties and uncles, and that’s how it was in my day (70s)
The village feels different now, it’s more about friends, paid help, shared baby groups, school etc.

For me the village has changed, evolved.

People are taking the expression far too literally, as a number have tried to explain ... it means a supportive community. Think back to Covid ... the number of threads on here from people who knew 'no one' who could help with shopping etc was very sad. I am glad I am part of a local, supportive community (& yes, I am an older mother and made very sure that my DC's father was a fully competent adult who did his full share of child raising, housework etc) but we still need support and, just as important, we can offer support to people who need it.

Look at all the threads on here from people who 'can't make friends', don't (or won't?) speak to their neighbours etc.

I've read right through this thread and I agree with you OP. It is lovely if you have "the village" but we managed fine without. Our children are adult now but we always lived a long way from family and until they were in their teens we moved around a lot. We didn't have friends or family to call on and were very self sufficient. I don't regard having a husband who sees his role as a father as being as important as mine as a mother to be so unusual. When we had emergencies we just had to deal with it on our own. As they got older-teen years then yes, they spent a lot more time with friends and their families, and we had their friends with us, but I never regarded this as in any way the "village" you all talk about. They are wonderful, sociable, well rounded adults and had good relationships in school and in friendship groups and I would have welcomed having access to the village you speak of, but it was really just us. They loved seeing family when we visited 3 times a year and had lovely relationships with them but I couldn't say they helped raise them.

The only time I have heard: "It takes a village to raise a child" was when my SIL condescendingly said it to me immediately after she had criticised my parenting.