AIBU to not need "the village"?

[holycannaloni]

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

So what would you have done if your husband fell ill (very ill) and needed an ambulance when your children were preschoolers? Because you really don't want to take a 2 year old to A&E if you can avoid it, let alone two children, especially if you need to be talking to medical staff as your husband can't, and you're not sure what the diagnosis/outcome/prognosis will be. This is my lived experience, and I was very grateful to the friends who could take DC and care for them so I didn't have to supervise and care for DC in a cubicle in A&E while doctors and nurses tried to keep DH alive and figure out what was wrong (DH is mostly fine now).

The village is not just childcare. It's a network of trusted adults that help your child navigate life. Teach them skills you don't have. Alternative viewpoints, rather than just yours/ your partners. Thinking you have the full toolkit to be a parent feels shortsighted to me. I know my toolkit is light and sometimes my patience is short. I have been a single mum and in a relationship. Sometimes the village help is practical heavy lifting support, sometimes it's the stuff above.

Your child will massively benefit from trusted adults that are not you or your partner to share their problems with and talk to.

The village is how kids were raised up until they disappeared behind a screen with anxiety.

You are indeed speaking from a very privileged position!!! I always say walk a mile in someone's shoes before judging them!"
do you know what it's like to have a huge debt run up with gas and electricity because you used the tumble dryer over the winter? There are 5 of us in my family- I have to do a wash everyday.
People like you are very entitled.

Oh I breezed through the teen years with the eldest - and then very much needed “a village” with the next! Like I said to OP don’t assume that the teen years will be easy just because they can be more independent. Life isn’t just about logistics.

Totally agree cookies. I had to call an ambulance for my oh when our youngest was 3. He had to go in the ambulance himself.

How would you cope if, heaven forbid, your husband passed away or left you? Would you need a "village" then?

Because you can comfortably buy your village and other people can't or would prefer not to.

You're not raising your child isolated and alone, you have a marriage and friends and paid care and interested family.

I think you're taking the expression a bit literally. It really means that a child should be brought up as part of a community, enabled to learn skills and get involved in things through local activities; have neighbours watch out for them; accept being told off by someone if they're trespassing, making too much noise etc; learn about diversity, cross generational relations and so on through mixing and mingling within their community; and generally understand that they are part of a wider society with all the benefits and responsibilities that brings.

My mother was very, erm, self sufficient (read: undiagnosed autism) like that too.
It's okay if your kids are also introverted/self sufficient/cold but it's a bit shit on the ones who quite like other people and hanging out in big communities.

I never realised what I had missed til I left home and saw how other people lived.

Obviously I absolutely haven't brought my own children up the same way. Heaven forbid. But if it works for you, great. I know my mum could have written your first post. She just wouldn't have got it at all. I'm not sure it's possible to explain really if you don't feel that need. The trouble is .. it's not just about you.

Again, I think that’s really nice to have. But many of us had to manage without any of that. Thankfully never experienced an emergency but would definitely have been a worry!

That was my reaction too 🤣🤣

Well it’s one way to start a bun fight, OP, I’ll give you that.

This happened to us, actually. When I was pregnant with my 2nd I needed to be rushed to hospital in the middle of the night, unconscious. My husband brought our daughter with him, following the ambulance. It wasn't ideal but we made it work, and I'm not sure if in the moment even if there had been a Granny 10 minutes away he would have taken her there first, I think probably both our instincts would be to have just thrown her in the car. He then had to juggle our daughter and visiting me for the week I was in hospital. I guess it's things like that where I look back and we made it work, so I don't think about needing others now.

I was in hospital for an extended time a while back and we would have been lost without my daughter's friends parents minding her while my husband came to visit me. One of my mates drove me to hospital. Another mum/neighbour brought over food to my husband. Genuine kindness that meant the world to us. So imo it does take a village, i'd like to think we would be there for people in the same way they were there for us.

Jeez Op, you seem really entitled. I didnt realise the importance of community till i was in an abusive relationship. I am an intelligent, professional woman yet i couldnt confide in friends, and i spend long periods of time with two small children, aimlessly wandering, dreading going home. I ended up one day at a church playgroup and the church people clearly spotted me and took me in in terms of giving me a chance to confide in people. I then saw how they helped others including many who couldnt speak English, or had difficult partners. Im not even Christian. It made me realise that we need to nuture relationships all round as you never know when you might need this.

I guess what im saying is you are really lucky you have lots of money and a husband that pulls his weight and shares the childcare. Not all of us have this.

This!

Yes, because they don't have the things you have:
Supportive husband
Enough money to pay for reliable childcare

Presumably also employers/jobs that allow for some flexibility when the above arrangements fall through/child is sick. The ability to check a personal phone at work to arrange appointments etc.

about the woman who expects her childless friends to help her on a rota

I have never heard anything like this in RL.

you do have a village- the nursery, the friends you know would help if you asked. That is what it means. Also school, school friends parents who will share lifts, whatsapp group that tells you it's going to be Victorian day or whatever

I definitely didn't need tribes of people helping. But... exH had an affair when DS was a baby so we split - he did and does see him on a a regular basis but I couldn't and can't rely 100% on him to pick up the slack as and when. I also work and occasionally need to go away with work so I hugely appreciate my local, hands on parents. I now have a 2nd DC with DP and he has to work long hours and a lot of weekends so again, it just makes my life so much nicer to have that support there. Could I do it without? Yes. Would it be harder? 100% yes.

So my view is that it depends on many factors on how easy it is to manage without any family/friends help and some of those factors won't be "visible" from the outside - single parenting, how hands on your DP is and how full on both of your jobs are, mental health issues, how easy your babies/children are (sleep particularly), how flexible/understanding your work is, how prone to illness your DC are, how much extra curricular stuff your DC do, whether you have good childcare/holiday clubs/before and after school clubs etc in your area, whether your DC can handle long hours in childcare, financial factors etc etc etc.

OP isn't saying she has to manage without though, it's a choice.

Nursery, school, extra curricular activities are all part of the "village". For younger children that could also include health visitors, family members/friends who offer advice and moral support, etc. It would also include church, toddler groups etc. Even advice online and website and mumsnet would all count. It doesn't mean free childcare - it's more about the advice from experienced parents or positive role models once children get old enough to benefit from that.

Nowadays a lot of these things can be bought (by parents who have enough money!) or are provided free by the state. Also due to to technology there are different ways to access information from people who are geographically distant.

I've never really thought about 'the village' as such. But I've consciously tried to build mutually supportive relationships with friends/other families. I am happy to be asked favours, and I think relationships where you mutually make an effort to support each other are valuable and important.

Those of us who are lucky and able build the networks we want and need. If you don't feel like you need it, I think that's fine. Different approaches aren't necessarily bad approaches.

My BIL/SIL really prioritise their 'little family' (to use a phrase I'm only familiar with from on here). They rely on grandparents when they need any help, but would never call in favours from friends. It works for them. (SIL is always happy to help others, incidentally, just doesn't want to rely on them for help herself.) Whereas I've always wanted to feel that I've got a peer network I can call on, and when we moved to a new area I worked hard to make that happen. I certainly wouldn't call it, or be interested in, collaborative parenting though - and if I were a friend of the woman who wants a baby rota, I wouldn't be keen!

If you sent your child to school you did have tribes of people helping

To be honest it's also not just about you and your family.
How are you being part of a village for other people?
That's what your kids see too, and learn from.