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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not need "the village"?

393 replies

holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 14:57

Prompted to ask this by a number of threads over the last few days, and particularly today (childless friends with friend with baby, person whose family is all on holiday without them, childless weddings), where people end up asking "where is the village nowadays?" The concept of needing "a village" to be a parent seems to be such an online Mum-ism of the last few years, and I just don't get it. I've never felt the need for a big group of friends and relatives to pitch in with child-raising, or for me to pitch in with them, and I don't see it in the parents around me either.

I suppose I'm lucky in some senses as I have a great husband who is completely 50/50 on all home and children things, and we earn enough money that we have been able to pay for the nurseries that we've needed over the years, but that's not to say it's always been easy. But we've just gotten on with it, as have most of my peers who have children. Both our sets of parents are abroad, and we don't have other family in the UK, so it's not like we're getting loads of family help either.

I guess I just don't recognise this craving for a village, or a bemoaning that the UK isn't like other countries who apparently are better at child raising in this collective way. It's nice that our children (and us!) have close friends and that our families love our kids and feel close to them, which they do, but this collaborative parenting isn't something we've ever looked for.

Does anyone else feel that the mystical "village" actually sounds a bit OTT, or am I just the odd one out on here?

OP posts:
HAF1119 · 27/06/2023 15:08

When we lost out childcare but both still had to work during covid I would have liked a village to be honest! But other than that it's all good :) Occasionally I think it would be nice to have family look after children to have a 'couple' evening out, but am not hugely affected by the loss and can't justify the babysitter cost

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:09

Raaasaur · 27/06/2023 15:06

I have lived overseas with young children, and while I didn’t have a family village, I had a good network of friends to meet with interact, and to a very small degree, share the load of children (although no one else ever actually looked after my children).

Having returned to my home country, where all of my friends now have a family village, it’s a lot harder. They get all the support they want and need from their family, so have no need or desire (understandably) to extend their ‘village’ to friends.

So, actually, despite appearances, I was better off abroad, where everyone had no village but became each others, than at home, where I should have one but don’t.

(I hope this makes sense!)

This is very interesting! I can see how that would be the case.

Maybe part of this for me is that no-one else around me has family help, and so I don't notice how it would be easier or different.

OP posts:
fireflyloo · 27/06/2023 15:09

It's not just about you though, it's about your children, I lived away from family when I had dc. After moving home you realise how much your children benefit from a 'village'. Grandparents, aunts and uncles who love them to bits and want to spend time with them. Family around to go to dc sports day or school play when you can't make it etc.

Needmorelego · 27/06/2023 15:10

@holycannaloni I think you may be misinterpreting the phrase “it takes a village “.
It (to me) doesn’t just mean friends and family. It’s the society in which you are living and the people there. Which for you includes nursery.

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:10

InTheGardenShed · 27/06/2023 15:01

You absolutely DO need outside input!

You just don't know it yet

What do you mean? My children are 12 and 8, so we've lived quite a lot of parenting life now and things really do get easier every year, particularly in terms of logistics/childcare/etc.

OP posts:
AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 27/06/2023 15:12

The "village" raising a child isn't about having free childcare necessarily. It's about having a support structure around, having different people who are able to assist without you feeling worried that your child is unsafe.
The lady in the shop who hands you the dropped dummy
The man in the street who holds up the bus so you can get on
The girl across the road who helped your DC at school because they were alone
The teenager who helped direct your DC home/walked them home when they got lost
The boy next door who shares his sweets every day
The old lady at church who smiles at your baby when they start crying, relaxing you so you don't feel you're doing wrong
The old man who feeds the ducks in the park and always shares his seeds with the kids so they can too...

BathoryCastle · 27/06/2023 15:13

MelaniaT · 27/06/2023 15:03

I’ve always understood the expression to be more about the importance of community and collective wisdom in raising children, rather than being about free childcare etc.

Prwtty sure that's the original meaning

IAmAnIdiot123 · 27/06/2023 15:14

Yanbu, tbh I think the village would end up irritating the heck out of me anyway.

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:14

@fireflyloo so I think this is interesting as I don't think my kids miss out on this at all. They see our families for stretches of time in the holidays and have a nice relationship with them, particularly with grandparents, but my eldest talked quite a bit recently about how relieved she is she doesn't have to get carted off to see them every weekend or spend every christmas all together, as she likes being 'our family'!

OP posts:
autieawesome · 27/06/2023 15:14

GloomySkies · 27/06/2023 14:59

You have a supportive husband, money, reliable childcare, you and your children have close friends - and you simply cannot picture that other people in a less fortunate position may wish they had support? Honestly?

Nailed it 👍

OnePotPolly · 27/06/2023 15:15

I'm late 60's and the expression 'it takes a village to raise a child' was around when I was in my teens - it's not a new idea

Yep. Same.

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:15

@AnObserverInThisDarkWorld I would see this as living in a friendly world, rather than the kind of village I see people refer to on here. But interesting!

OP posts:
CecilyP · 27/06/2023 15:16

Needmorelego · 27/06/2023 15:07

@Toddler101 do you never take your children to any “stay and play” type groups, or to a clinic at a children’s centre, rhyme time at a library or plan to send them to school?
All of those will contain people that will be part of your “village “.
You can’t honestly say you are literally doing everything to raise them by yourself (plus husband?).

All these things are nice to have but not a need! When I lived in an actual village, there were none of these things available. Though there was a toddler group once a week.

InTheGardenShed · 27/06/2023 15:16

To me 'a village' means local people

People you see everyday. Ranging from the old man in the bungalow out in his garden ( who will know the varieties of birds and flowers) to the lady in the corner shop. As examples....there's many many more

All useful.

MavisMcMinty · 27/06/2023 15:16

The “village” may not matter to you but it matters to your children, who need to be exposed to different people to understand society, which they will have to live in sooner or later.

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:17

MavisMcMinty · 27/06/2023 15:16

The “village” may not matter to you but it matters to your children, who need to be exposed to different people to understand society, which they will have to live in sooner or later.

Well, this is what school is for, isn't it? And extra curricular activities (of which they do lots!) My children are already living in a society.

OP posts:
FuckTheLemonsandBail · 27/06/2023 15:17

A village to me is about emotional support and other people/adults for my child to build relationships with, rather than anything practical.

For example having other friends, parents or not, who are willing to let me vent a bit or occasionally tell me I'm doing an okay job parenting.

The key people in our village are our hairdresser, librarian, and the people on the checkout at our local supermarket. All of them know my kid, take an interest in chatting to him when they see him, he knows their names and mentions them, enjoys going to see them. I consider them really a key part of our village even though they don't know it.

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 27/06/2023 15:17

GloomySkies · 27/06/2023 14:59

You have a supportive husband, money, reliable childcare, you and your children have close friends - and you simply cannot picture that other people in a less fortunate position may wish they had support? Honestly?

Exactly…

Travelfan2021 · 27/06/2023 15:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

JenniferBarkley · 27/06/2023 15:19

Our circumstances are similar to yours, but I would definitely say we have a village and would include:

  • nursery staff, especially the ones who know our girls well and have babysat
  • grandparents, at a geographical distance but always showing an interest and keen to visit and play
  • the family around the corner with similar aged DC that I can text on a wet Saturday for an impromptu playdate - the kids destroy the house while the adults drink coffee and enjoy not having to entertain the kids
  • my friends who don't live nearby but have similar aged DC - no physical support but always there with an ear, a shoulder and a wise word if I need it
  • more metaphorically, our flexible jobs that mean illness is rarely a complete disaster as one of us will need to stay home to cover it
  • as well as other DC and their parents that we see for playdates, quick chat at the school gate etc. Heck, even the class whatsapp group for remembering dress down days or exchanging holiday camp info.
Needmorelego · 27/06/2023 15:19

@CecilyP baby clinics (aka children’s centres) and schools are strange things to say are just “nice to have”. I would say they are fairly essential needs.

Toddler101 · 27/06/2023 15:20

Needmorelego · 27/06/2023 15:07

@Toddler101 do you never take your children to any “stay and play” type groups, or to a clinic at a children’s centre, rhyme time at a library or plan to send them to school?
All of those will contain people that will be part of your “village “.
You can’t honestly say you are literally doing everything to raise them by yourself (plus husband?).

Ahh ok. Doing activities and going out and about with kids is not what I'd class as a village.

To me, a village is friends and family pitching in if I needed help or childcare, not just doing the everyday stuff.

7eleven · 27/06/2023 15:21

Your children have good relationships with interested grandparents. They have dedicated teachers, they have extra curriculum leaders. When they were younger they had childcare. They have friends, with nice parents.

All of these people care about, and invest in your children. That’s my idea of a ‘village’, and it’s great.

Original poster
holycannaloni · 27/06/2023 15:21

autieawesome · 27/06/2023 15:14

Nailed it 👍

Show quote history

I am speaking from a position of privilege with some of these things, but I waited until slightly later in life to have children with a man I knew would be an equal, competent parent for this reason. I made choices specifically to enable this. And obviously I know some people's lives change drastically due to tragedy etc. so I don't include them in this, but I do wonder, for example, about the woman who expects her childless friends to help her on a rota - this is clearly taking advantage. And yet people on that thread were suggesting all her friends should be part of 'her village'. That to me just seems irresponsible parenting.

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 27/06/2023 15:21

I didn’t have help from anyone as DH was lazy and crap and family lived 2hr drive away.
I managed with 2 babies.