To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

Really?

Sounds like DH needs to move rooms
in the home?

Can't he lock the room door from the inside?

Or say goodbye to your boy in the morning and pretend to leave and then sneak back in?

He knows what happens if he changes day on you so he needs to deal with the issues not expect you to.

YANBU. You've changed nursery dates to accommodate your DH. If he wants to fanny about changing working days when you've done what you can then he has to accept that he's going to be disturbed.

Move the bikes? Catch on the door? Personally, I'd try to accommodate this. Once the DC start school, his flexibility will be handy.

If he has the option to go into the office then I don't see why you should have to endlessly intervene. If he doesn't like it, he can stop WFH.

I get really irritated when my dh says me and the dc are being too loud while he wfh. First and foremost, it our home and he is working from it. We haven't come into his office...it's the other way round.

YANBU

i was going to say you should make more of an effort
however when I read that he is in nursery for 3 days and these were changed to suit DH wfh, then I can understand why you don’t want to put up with the extra hassle of tantrums.

i think you have to try to speak to DS. Maybe do timed visits - eg once an hour for 5 mins he can pop in, so he knows he can at some point. And have activities and things otherwise to keep him busy. Maybe a baby gate or something preventing the path to the office?
presumably he throws big tantrums at lots of other things too, that you may need to manage in general. Or if he doesn’t maybe think about why this is the thing that’s bothering him. Does DH spend enough time with him otherwise?

does he play in that room normally? Can you make it a less exciting room?

but yes if DH changes his days he will have to deal with some level of disruption.

If your DH has the option of going into the office and wfh is his choice, then it's not up to you to keep intervening. This is exactly the reason why most of our staff who have toddlers opt to work in the office!

If your DH has a choice of when to WFH it's unfair of him to use that choice in a way that makes your life harder.
Obviously you could control DS, work through the tantrums etc but avoiding the problem occurring in the first place is clearly preferable.

It's unreasonable for your DH to change his days and then be annoyed because Ds is lurking and being a bit annoying.

I prefer working in the lounge. I am upstairs right now because DS is home sick from school and is watching tv there instead. sometimes, I come up here and close the door when they're all coming home from school - out of sight, out of mind.

I wfh with a 3 year old in the house some days (dh is responsible for him) and I work with a headset so people can't hear the 3 year old banging on the door or shouting "POO BUM BUM" as he likes to just outside. I also lock the door and put on a background so people can't see him rattling the door handle.

If he's going to switch his days around, he needs to work somewhere else, like the library if your small child is going to be a disturbance..

Your family home is a home first and foremost, and those who choose to work from home have to accept that.

I think not intervening is unreasonable. I WFH 2 or 3 days a week and office the rest. Those days are relatively fixed but do move around, eg if on a given day none of my team are going in but I’d usually go in I don’t bother as it’s a waste to drive there to sit by myself or if specific meetings need to be F2F. It sounds like DS is going into a room that’s set aside for work and storage rather than a play room. Going in from time to time is fine, my kids come in when they’re around but not all the time. They’re old enough to know if I’m on a call they need to leave me alone, the DS in this scenario clearly isn’t as he’s 2. The ability to chop and change WFH and office days is really useful with school so if you expect him to be rigid now don’t come complaining in the future when he won’t move days around.

where In the house is he working?

if he is in the living room then YANBU. If he is in a home office with a closing door then YABU and he needs to realise he can go in.

Are you working when DH is working?

If no, what would you be doing if DH wasn't at home and DC was at nursery?

I WFH and if my DH was allowing the kids to disturb me during work I would be furious.
Yes I can work in the office but by the time I pay for parking etc I'm £50 down which doesn't help the household.

Surely all he needs to do is close the door in the room he works in so to keep the child out, or am I missing something? The child should understand Daddy is busy working you can see him later.

It must be tedious trying to keep ds out of that room when he knows his dad is in there. A two year old isn’t going to understand that daddy is working and needs to be left alone.

Just tell him it’s untenable. It’s creating a problem him being home on the same day as ds so he needs to stick to schedule. That will
change in the future when ds is older to understand.

The ability to chop and change WFH and office days is really useful with school so if you expect him to be rigid now don’t come complaining in the future when he won’t move days around.
Couldn’t disagree with this more!!! Babies’ and children’s needs change and flex as they grow, and the best approach is to change and flex with them, surely? Like, tiny newborn baby: someone needs to be on parental leave with it. OP’s toddler: does best with a combo of home and nursery, but his home days are best when dad isn’t “available” at home too. Preschooler: that might change! We had the same thing as OP when DD was smaller: she couldn’t grasp that DP was physically at home but working. Now she’s four she’s quite happy to leave him alone on her day at home but loves that she gets lunch with him and he finishes early so we can have dinner together. He has two office days with a long commute that are set in stone right now, because that’s what works, but plans to flex them once she starts school in September and reassess next February when our baby goes to nursery. As both kids grow and move schools and have later bedtimes and different needs, we’ll both reassess what works and what doesn’t in terms of WFH, commutes, wraparound, etc.

What boundaries OP’s family put in place now so DH can work and the toddler can enjoy his home don’t have to be there for a lifetime. That’s like those people that say “ooh, naps in the sling and feeding to sleep, they’ll never sleep in a bed!” Kids change.

This.

Does your 2 year old normally have free rein to play unsupervised in the room your DH has chosen to work in? If so, YANBU.
If your 2 year old wouldn't normally be allowed to wander in there unsupervised, YABU.

Which room is your DH working in?

Your dh can't dictate how the home is run. He needs to face the facts. You've done your best to accommodate his 3 wfh days. That's enough. He'll have to put up with it. Say yup, I'd like to sit in a quiet room by myself working, but I'm looking after our dc. 2 year olds are hell.
What you supposed to do take ds out every time dc can't be arsed to go in?

How long is the commute?
does he move the days to accommodate meetings f2f (rather than just suiting himself)?

I think 2 is a good age to start to teach about boundaries. He might have a tantrum, but that's no reason to give him what he wants.

I'd be fucked off if I was told I couldn't work from home quietly in my own study or spare room (assuming that's where your DH is working) on days I'm not committed to looking after DC.