To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

So there's a garden Annex and an office and this is still a problem? Wow can only wish you luck with a newborn and a 2 year old if you can't manage this.

Just get a door wedge. DH closes the door and puts the wedge under and DS will not be able to open it.

op if I were you I’d ask DH to work from the small office and get a lock on the door so little one cannot open it….it will be useful to have for when the two children get older. I’d ask DH to come out as little as possible while he is working.

I know it must be awfully hard work and you’re right it’ll be harder when the baby is here. However do some work on it now might make things easier in the long run. I’d get a sign on the door that can show toddler when daddy can talk and when daddy is working and start using that as something that will be kept as they grow- up.

Of course toddlers cannot be reasoned with. However they do learn eventually if they get the same response consistently.

if you can keep that room as a room where mummy or daddy have time alone it might come in handy for if DH has the baby/toddler in the future if you need time out/quiet time.

When did I say he shouldn't be throwing tantrums?! Of course he should be he's 2! What shouldn't be happening is you interfering with your DP's work because you don't want to deal with said tantrum...

So your husband won't go into work the 2 days he's supposed to? Even though it's causing a lot of stress for his wife who's about to give birth? I think he's being unreasonable and it means you and your toddler can't use the house as you normally would if he wasn't there.

He is in a nursery, on the three days a week the husband said would be his WFH days. However, the husband is now working from home on one or two of the other days as well/instead. Nurseries cost money and the OP is on maternity leave. She isn't going to put her toddler into nursery 5 days a week just to cover these odd difficult days. Even if she wanted to, she might not be able to get a place immediately.

I hope your husband is planning to take paternity leave when the new baby arrives, OP. Life with a new baby and a toddler will be pretty full on, especially after a section. Good luck!

What is OP doing whilst DS is in nursery and DH is working though? That is the question.

I have no idea, I'm not the OP. That's not the issue though?
The issue is DH chopping and changing his WFH days and the OP having to negotiate that with a two year old and whilst heavily pregnant!
So either DH will have to put up with his child seeing him in the garden room and put up with it, or he needs to move to the smaller office in the house or go to his actual office!
It all depends if her DH finds the 2 year old disturbing him a problem. If he does, it's his problem to solve.
If he doesn't mind then there isn't a problem in the first place!

Why do you need to take your son out every morning and afternoon? I took my daughter out maybe three or four times a week to the park, and the rest of the time I spent playing with her toys with her on the floor, or reading to her. It I needed to do something that took a while like the ironing, then she sat and played with toys next to me. There was never any issue about her disturbing my husband - she understood that he was at work and she couldn't go into his office.

You need to keep at it reiterating it until he understands. If he is sometimes let in and allowed to disrupt him then of course it will cause confusion.

put a lock on the door. Be firm with the boundaries.

@Gofeta to be honest I think you are just trying to be unpleasant but I’l try again to explain.

Ds wakes up around 2 and we might play in the garden. He spies DH and goes running up to the annexe. I try to distract with daddy is at work, let’s do this, let’s try that … it doesn’t work and DS is pointing at the office, saying ‘daddy bike’, starts to cry, I try to move him away, he digs his heels in and starts getting really frustrated, properly crying and then it ramps up to a full blown tantrum. I can’t cajole him out of it, all I can do is stay with him and stop him hurting himself or destroying anything. Eventually he might give in, by which point I’m drained and have probably been shoved and hit in frustration too. Ten minutes later DH comes out to go to the toilet (no loo in the annexe) and the whole process starts again. This is why I’ve been out of the house so much, but it is destroying me from the inside to be honest.

I don’t believe it’s my shit parenting, it is possible that other two year olds are more sophisticated than mine is and would respond with no more than a quizzical head tilt to ‘daddy is at work’ but this doesn’t change the fact that this is my reality. I’ve tried to be accommodating to DH and I really need him to return the favour now.

By the way - I’m not a SAHP.

Dh needs to go out of sight. Set up away from dc. Say bye and go to work. Lock or bolt on door/headset on. Take water/flask.
If you have a garden office get blinds and don’t go in garden.
Presumably dh is swapping for a reason as it’s easier to wfh when dc isn’t there.

He will understand one day @Sirzy , it is still several months away and I’d sooner not be dealing with huge tantrums on a daily basis until that point!

@Growlybear83 i guess you have an aforementioned easygoing toddler

DS is going through a challenging phase, in some ways anyway, and I am sure we will come through the other side of it. Like a lot of children, home is his safe space and he generally behaves very well out and about but I am getting it full hammer and tongs at the moment.

Dealing with tantrums is part of parenting a toddler but it does seem unfair that I’ve tried to set up life in a way that suits everybody and this is changed and I’m the one suffering!

I'm bemused that a 2 yo and a heavily pregnant mother are expected to be understanding and find solutions and a grown man isn't. It's so odd. HE could do any one of a number of things but isn't. I agree that it needs to be HIS issue to solve as OP already solved the problem that was presented.

If it helps, our son lives here with us* and wfh most days. Mostly it's all fine but a couple of weeks ago he did have to call out to his Dad to turn the music down as he was on a call.

*London rents, that's why. One day he'll be able to move out.

I still think there's a lot you can do, but just don't seem to want to. Explaining to ds, locking of doors. Lots of it is easy, but you seem opposed to it, but I can't work out why.

What does he say when you explain just how much its affecting you?

Sympathy op this sounds really tough. Does your DH actually need to change his work days or is he just choosing to work at home different days to ones you agreed your DS would be in nursery? I think he needs to try harder if it’s possible to keep to the schedule.

If he must be at home then is there is a way of keeping him out of sight ie blinds on the annex and an agreement that your DH will text you if he’s coming out (to get a coffee loo break etc) and wait for you to reply and move DS before he comes out.

Tbh if this carried on once you’ve had your baby I would probably be asking DH just to go into his office most days.

Explaining to a 2yo something they don't understand and don't want to accept - good luck with that! My 2yos were both extremely challenging in different ways. I wouldn't go back to that phase for all the tea in China. (They did grow out of it. Both very reasonable adults now, thanks be.)

Yes, me too.

I went through a phase of hiding while working at home as toddler DD could not cope. I would "leave" and they'd wave me goodbye. Then DH would leave door slightly open so there was no key noises, and I would then sneak back in when he gave me the all clear. It was totally ridiculous, but I needed to work from home and DD was simply unable to cope with the reality of that and it wasn't fair to make DH have to deal with a constantly crying, whining, tantrumming toddler. Now, if I'm working, she comes in, says hi, and leaves. They do learn but it takes time.

The vision of your child shouting poo bu bum has made my day. Literally crying with laughter.

good idea not to share this with co worker’s, though….

I wouldn’t entertain going in garden if dh working it’s just inviting trouble. Out of sight out of mind.
So 9am dh goes to work in annex says bye dc I’m going out. Dc goes out with you.
Come back have lunch dc goes to bed.
Dh can come in and have lunch.
After nap play inside or take him for a walk or to park.
After work dh comes home (from annex) and you can have time together.
My colleague works fine with a 2 yr old at home (his wife is a sahm) he is in a bedroom as his office.

He isn’t going out though that’s the issue. 🤣

Op we need to know where he is working if something can be done. Everyone thinks there child will just do what they are told . The two year old wants to see his dad.
you will presumably have a newborn and it definitely won’t be as easy to jump up and down . So looking at ways to make it work are important .

we also need to know if there is a choice for dh or demands of the business .

If I had the choice to go into work that's what I'd do, best for everyone concerned

OP says in one post her DH is literally working in the office they have in their house. He’s at home in a room literally designed for working in!