To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

Like other people who have to work outside the home, doctors, nurses, police, shop workers, they all have to pay to get to work and to park etc etc…good job🙄 we all don’t have the option

You need to make it DH's problem because it is DH's problem!
You already have your DS in nursery for DH's standard wfh days, so if he chooses to change his days then 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's his choice!
I certainly wouldn't be fannying around trying to stay out of the house.
Is there a particular reason why your DH can't just go to the office each day?

Ideally, DS would understand boundaries, would get that DH is working and that’s that and we have to leave him alone. The problem is he genuinely doesn’t understand this.

No, you say 'daddy is working, we will see him at lunchtime/a little while, come into the other room' and you keep doing it consistently until the DC gets it. Show them a set up of parent working if you need to and say DH is talking to people and needs some quiet.

Really it sounds like the problem is that you're pregnant and exhausted, don't have the energy to enforce this particular boundary and resent DH for making you have to work a bit harder. Which is fair enough. It is possible to get kids to respect wfh though.

random rant. If you can save £50 a day by working at home and you could do you job from home then you would wouldn’t you??

OBVIOUSLY not all jobs can be done from home, but some can. I would have thought it was much better for environment to reduce number of people communities where possible too. They also get the time back that is spent communising to have as a family time.

I hate to say it op but I also think you should be looking after him, I don’t quite understand why he’s able to get in and disturb your husband so much when effectively you should be looking after him. If you’re prioritising house work over child care, then on those days stop, you can share that in the evenings.

YANBU.

It used to drive me mad trying to keep my son away, but he just wanted to get involved and too young to understand.

DH needs to go in to office on the set days, or maybe go and work in a local coffee shop or something for the morning then wfh through nap time and the afternoon.

What is OP doing whilst DS is in nursery and DH is working though? That is the question.

Letting DC annoy DH is a passive aggressive way of addressing something you should discuss and resolve like adults.

this.

Exactly where in the house is he working? Does it not have a door (for which a lock can be fitted)?

Yes. Yes. I think it helps too that one parent looking after both kids in the house while the other one does something else isn't uncommon in our house outside of working too. My husband has always taken both kids early mornings when they were babies/toddlers so I could sleep, and kept them out of bedroom, or taken them while I do cooking or whatever other thing and vice versa, so they've never found it particularly unusual that sometimes one parent will be looking after them in the house while other parent is home but doing something else in another room.

Probably looking after the baby since that's the reason she's on maternity leave

If she can't manage two children at once then that's seriously concerning.

DS can open doors easily.

DH works one of two places. He either bases himself in a garden annex which would be ideal if not for the fact that we are obviously using the garden a fair bit at this time of year, so there’s no real way around this that doesn’t involve upset. Irrespective of the rights and wrongs of the situation, it is three to four hours in the afternoon I have with crying and distress and tantrums and it really is extremely draining to deal with and gets me down a lot. It will be a lot harder with a new baby in the mix as well.

The other alternative is that DH works in a small office we have in the house, but this isn’t ideal either.

I don’t know what the answer is. I really thought that moving DS nursery days was the perfect solution; Dh still has three days wfh, he isn’t being disturbed, DS isn’t being upset and I’m not stressed, except it still keeps happening.

And I agree ideally DS should respond agreeably and amiably to being firmly told no to something but he’s two and what can I say, he just doesn’t. Telling me he should doesn’t mean he will.

Serves me right she's still pregnant 😏

The op though does explain that its just too full on for her to cope with this and everything else

Where is he working? In the 2020 lockdowns DH worked from our bedroom with the door closed for most of the day. I repeated "no, daddy's at work" multiple times a day until then 2yo DD got used to it. I didn't let her go up and bother him. I just acted like he wasnt there until he finished and then it was "home time".

Ideally, DS would understand boundaries, would get that DH is working and that’s that and we have to leave him alone. The problem is he genuinely doesn’t understand this. Therefore I either have to:

A 10MO never mind a 2YO can definitely understand that they aren't allowed somewhere OP. They might not like it and they do it anyway but if you're consistent with telling them that they can't go in there then they will get the message. I'm really failing to see what the issue is. He's only 2. Have eyes on him all the time (which you surely do anyway), distract him or remove him any time he goes near the door and lock the door if necessary. Honestly taking aside dh's haphazardness with this your child is only going to get smarter, more stubborn and more manipulative as he gets older. You need to learn how to say no to him

DH needs to work in a room with a lockable door. It's quite easy to fit a small lock to a bedroom door. If the layout of your house makes this impossible then he will have to go to the office. Your house is first and foremost a home where you should be able to relax.

I haven’t had the baby yet, time will tell, but it isn’t going to be any easier keeping DS from getting upset when I have had the baby. To be honest this is a big worry of mine as I’m having an elective section and so won’t be able to drive for a couple of weeks at least. I’m also not sure I’m going to be up for soft play centres and parks two weeks post section!

Nope, she's said she's heavily pregnant so no baby to look after yet. Just a toddler left to wander unsupervised around the house.

@Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow i am afraid you telling me DS should understand and should not be throwing tantrums doesn’t change the fact that I am afraid he does.

We can lock the door to the annexe but DS still knows he is there and gets very worked up and upset. It’s quite upsetting to watch, it takes between fifteen and thirty minutes to calm him down and then Dh comes out and the whole thing starts again. It makes me want to cry!

I WFH and would be really pissed off if a SAHP let a 2 yo constantly interrupt me while I was trying to work. So I think your ds should be in nursery while your DH is WFH. And if he's not you should be keeping him away from your DH.

The other alternative is that DH works in a small office we have in the house, but this isn’t ideal either.

Why isn't that ideal? Surely it's what an office is for?

Why on earth does it take so long to calm him down? Distract him, take him outside, meet friends, watch something, play games, whatever.