To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

THANK YOU for writing what I kept saying in my head.

It amazes me the number of people who haven't supported the OP with, "Even if the office space in your house is small, your DH needs to work from there and not in the garden annex." Instead, it's "remove your child from having any kind of life in his own home and garden", so a twit of a man can be in the garden annex instead of the home office or his workplace.

Between them telling the OP to keep their child out of the garden of their home and the perfection of their own children (which I call bull💩on), I can feel my computer melting from the misogyny and the self-righteous superiority of some posters.

Have him use your office. The inside one, wherever the "not ideal one is". Get a lock on that door and have your NVDH go in there when DS is busy or out in the garden. And not trot in and out a dozen times a day, stay in the office.

BEST, of course, is to have your NVDH GTFU and keep to the schedule instead of acting like lord of the manor and you and DS are his staff to be accommodating to his wants and whims.

If the door is locked, or a childproof door knob cover is on, or a wedge is used inside the room, then DS cannot get in. He might still tantrum but if he cannot see "daddy" and cannot open the door, it will at some point sink in.

Though, still, the best option is to have your NVDH act like an adult and keep to his schedule, even if it means he has to go into work an extra day.

My DH would've been the one to suggest he go to work at the office.
After the first tantrum. His presence is creating the problem. He doesn't HAVE to be there, he has an office to go to.
A heavily pregnant woman with a toddler has enough to deal with ffs.

I see no reason why you should have to stay out of the house all day being heavily pregnant, dealing with pain and a toddler just because DH can’t manage to keep u his side of the bargain. I would have lost it long ago. Tell him you will not be dealing with DS tantrums any further. He needs to leave and go to the library on those days if he doesn’t want to work at the office.

What does he say, surely he can see that three days are better to be fixed so all know what they are doing . I couldn't be doing with him essentially dictating how you use space in the home on his whim. Fair enough the occasional planned change or an emergency but this is really selfish of him. He gets all the benefits of working at home while you get all the inconvenience of him working from home. I'd like to say I wouldn't not intervene as I wouldn't want my child to be caught up in the issue but I could imagine getting to a point when I'd be tempted to let him experience the inconvenience.

@Mintelderflower I simply meant if your job is out of the house your husband will have to wfh with your son around as you won't be there to distract him. Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick....!

No, we use paid childcare.

How's it going, Mint? Hope you're coping ok and DH is pulling his weight, toddler-wise and expectant-father wise

You won't be able to rush to the annexe when "he's on a call" when you are post c-section nursing a newborn on the sofa to drag DS away from the door. Or interrupt feeding to deal with a half an hour of tantrum. Or deal with a two year old kicking you in a temper.

So sort it before the baby, if you've not already given birth. Let the toddler howl his head off for daddy and Dad will soon see the wisdom all by himself of sticking to the days DS is in nursery to WFH.

Hope DH has worked it out by now and is actually only wfh the days DS is in nursery.

I'm astounded at the amount of replies saying you should be bending over backwards to enable DH to work in peace. 🙄

Why does he decide to switch around his days? I seriously doubt he does it for the fun of it, or to have to put up with the unsupportive atmosphere at home. That's not in his best interests.
I'm guessing he does it because work dictates it.

She's said throughout DH chops and changes it. It's not in Ops best interests either being heavily pregnant trying to keep a toddler contained and quiet!!

Just popped over from Gransnet which is my usual “home” & as I am a Gran obviously that means I am a Mum.
YANBU. I feel your pain and one way and another I’ve been in similar situations myself. People seem to think bringing up toddlers is easy but it’s damn hard and you need support from your DH. Tell him you’ve had enough and he needs to be a bit more supportive especially given that you are pregnant and things will only get worse and more tiring in the short term at least.
Long term the situation will get better as you can reason with your son more easily the older he gets. However I still have standoffs with my DGS and he’s 5!!
None of this is probably much help to you but please know you are supported by an army of Mums who’ve been in your situation and somehow got through it.

She was never really clear on why he chopped and changed only to say this:

I think a lot of the time it’s because he’s asked into the office

I don’t think anyone in their right mind would choose to WFH with a screaming toddler around, when they had the choice to WFH on days when he wasn’t there. but it’s almost like OP didn’t know the reason or hadn’t asked him to clarify or even nail down certain days with work?

It seemed reading the posts that OP and her DH hadn’t really discussed any of what was posted about, not sure if she has now? Hopefully so, there’s nothing to be gained by suffering in silence.

Well then he tells work he can't be at home xy days as child is there.

This isn't on OP to sort out... Its him

@Mintelderflower ah I see. Apologies just assumed you'd save money on childcare with DH wfh.
Yes, he needs to keep to his set days.

I said I didn’t know @sandyhappypeople . Look:

I don’t honestly know why he keeps chopping and changing but it’s a pain, especially when it’s suddenly sprung on me

I later say

I think a lot of the time it’s because he’s asked into the office and CBA going in three days instead of two.

Note I’ve said think, I speculate, I don’t know. And he does have the option to work in the office five days a week every week if he wishes to, so if he doesn’t, it’s because he doesn’t want to.

To put it another way, let’s say his work say ‘we need you in Wednesday and Friday this week.’ That does not mean he cannot go in Thursday as well. And that’s what I need him to do.

At any rate it is strange how things work out, we now seem to have the other extreme where I have barely seen him this past week, it does rather seem we never have a happy medium. Time will tell. Current terrible boundary free parenting is tantrums about the bath of all things anyway. A week is a long time in toddlerland.

I haven't read every post, just OPs. I mostly work from home, and the extra commute time makes a huge difference, so I have sympathy with your DH I'm afraid. Some of us had lockdown where there wasn't an option. As you've found, a morning out is great for tiring out a toddler. For the afternoon, it sounds like more planning is needed between you and your DH. If DH is in the garden office, just play in the house. If you want to take DS into the garden then tell DH to get himself into the indoor office before DS wakes up. As you commented with crisps, toddler sees and toddler wants - so stop letting him see daddy. Gradually introducing him to Daddy going to work into the back garden or office might work best when you two are going out yourselves; no opportunity to harass, but he will start to understand that going to work means not being together.

Regarding chores, best to do tricky ones while DS is in nursery and get him to start helping with others. Loading or unloading the washing machine, passing up wet laundry for mummy to hang, washing up plastic items, throwing recycling into outside bins, tidying things up and down the stairs, wiping tables, hoovering - all things my DS has helped with since he was little. Doesn't matter if it takes twice as long, it's getting done while he's occupied and learning.

Doesn't matter if it takes twice as long

Yes, it does. But my post is not about chores. Thank you.

Well that's telling. You're going to need to learn at some point to lose some of that rigidity if you want things to work well with a toddler and baby in the mix.

@MRex you see I am not the one approaching this with rigidity.

For two and a half years I have been out of the house as much as possible to enable DH to work: while it wasn’t quite as bad when DS was a baby we also had a different house then which was very difficult to WFH and have a family in.

Now, look at what I am asking.

I am not asking him to be in the office full time. I am simply asking that he sticks to the days he has designated as ‘office days.’

He may not want to commute. Neither do I. But if he makes that choice, I am no longer either being out of the house or spending my time ushering DS away. I really do not have it in me at the moment. As it is, he is home five days out of every seven and that really is not bad at all.

Have you not had an opportunity to talk to your DH about this in the last week? I know you're both very busy but this would seem to be a priority.
Or don't you feel able to talk to him?

Yes, thanks. I’m not sure I’d call myself very busy at the moment

YANBU.

Let DS interrupt DH more! His own fault for wfh.