To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

Sorry, I’m not trying to be antagonistic, so I hope it’s not coming across like that. But the point of my post was he can answer that surely if you just talk about it? To say “I think, I don’t know, I speculate” seems bizarre because surely he can just TELL you? He must be an awkward git at times because why can’t he just say what his work plans are, as he knows them, so you can ask him to go in on certain days or try and plan together to try and get your happy medium on a week by week basis?

Like now, he’s been in all week but you don’t really know why or for how long it’ll last etc, you’re a better woman than me OP because being a passenger to someone else’s whimsical decisions (that effect me in some way) would drive me up the bloody wall!

Does he not communicate at all?

@sandyhappypeople i do believe that you’re not trying to be antagonistic, but the fact is you are, if only because you’re not really reading my posts.

I have said I don’t know why DH changes his days, you then started to insist I did know.

I have said DH has been away all week, you have claimed he has been here all week.

I am honestly not trying to be argumentative with you but I really am quite tired. I’m very, very heavily pregnant. I’ve had a DH away all week (as I’ve said, it’s one extreme to another round here!) I have a toddler and to be honest the thread wrapped itself up nicely some time ago. Can we leave it there?

It seems that a lot of us can see the rigidity here; but you won't accept it. You've come here supposedly for help, so take some!

1. Why have you not just ASKED your DH why he changes where he's going to be, and TOLD him it must be written on a calendar so you know? It's bizarre that you're getting angry with a poster about the impossibility of knowing instead of speaking to your own DH.
2. Why can DS not play in the house on these afternoons when DH is in the garden office? Or why can DH not be inside if DS somehow must only be in the garden? DH can be asked to spend 5 min playing after the toilet, then goodbye and you distract while he gets back to the garden, then you'll have a happy toddler learning how it works.
3. Why is DS being allowed to get to the door and tantrum, instead of distracting him sooner? You really are making your own life much harder by letting him get into a tantrum before you try to do anything.
4. Why can't you do chores with your toddler, so he is entertained and the chores get done? It isn't a race to get laundry into the machine, you make laundry the game.
5. Why not put DS in nursery a few more hours if you're struggling so much with him because of pregnancy, take more break? You can cut back hours once you've had the baby and have a routine.

It seems to me that you are not addressing any of these questions, you're just grumpy that you want DH to not be there, then grumpy when he's not there. If you want anything to improve, then the solution starts with you challenging your own assumptions about what is or isn't possible.

Of course we can leave it there.

Just to clear something up though, when I said ‘he’d been in all week’, I meant ‘he’d been ‘in’ as in he’d been ‘in work’ all week’, i sometimes shorthand without realising it sometimes. I wasn’t contradicting you I was actually agreeing with the point you made about not knowing what he was doing from one week to the next.

I don’t think you’ll properly reach your happy medium until you can communicate what you need from him and until he can communicate what he’s scheduled with work and learns to consider your needs too, but I hope you can sort it out eventually and I wish you all the best with the new arrival when the time comes!

I guess a two year old doesn't understand that dad is working - he just sees him on the computer so he wants to play

When my son was around the age of yours (he is on the spectrum) he threw a LOT of tantrums. We were seeing a child psychologist and she advised: when he has a tantrum restrain him by holding his arms (as gently as possible) and just ignore him until he calms down. Also, you can sit him on one of the bottom stairs and hold your arm across him as you sit beside him but completely ignore him until he calms down.
Initially I had to do it multiple times but eventually he stopped having tantrums. You can put the work in now before the baby arrives to make life easier after. The idea is to not give them attention when they’re behaving badly, but of course you need to reinforce with positive attention when they’re being good. So as soon as he calms down reward him with a smile and kind words. Rinse and repeat. I promise it will pay off.

Blimey didn’t expect to see this upped.

There is no way I’d have been able to physically restrain him in the way described above when heavily pregnant. It was a tough third trimester. Baby has been here for nearly a month and DS now delightful despite horrendous lack of boundaries.

Ah great news OP, congratulations!

It all sounds very unsatisfactory and chaotic. It's annoying for you that you have made arrangements but your DH changes the days he works from home. But I think you both need to make some effort to instill in your child that Daddy is working and shouldn't be disturbed.

Why have you upped this ?

The baby who wasn’t then born is nearly six months, the two year old is three, the garden is retired until spring. Seriously, huh?