To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

This is baffling. A toddler can't play in his own garden to accommodate a man who could go into work but doesn't? And although they have a garden (lucky them) the very pregnant women has to drag the toddler out all day instead.

Gardens and toddlers go together. He's working in their home, they are't living in his office.

She is explaining. Two year olds don’t respond to explanations when they’re tantrumming: they’re in emotions mode. OP is managing those tantrums but that’s exhausting when pregnant, when it’s bloody hard to pick them up rugby ball style and carry them away. she is also locking doors to the garden office but you can’t hide a garden office from sight and it’s summer, the kid wants to be outside! There’s a lot OP’s husband can do, and it’s really simple: go into the office on the days he’s agreed to go into the office. Problem solved!

OP, I admire your patience on this thread – sadly looks like someone left the gate open at the cunt farm today.

Men being precious and demanding when WFH seems to be a recurrent theme, even if the woman is also WFH!

I'm wondering if it's something children will remember with disdain, how daily life was curtailed because daddy was WFH.

I'm reminded of my childhood friends who had fathers who worked shifts - they had to creep in the back door, tip-toe around the house, tell friends not to knock on the door to see if they were coming out to play. The mothers had to ensure silence, as well as go to work and run the home.

What's the point of a garden if it can't be used? Surely, the huge benefit of having a garden is that if you have small children, they're out playing in it so you don't have to go out all the time?

I am sympathetic to people working from home. But less so when OP has already accommodated DH's work from home days and he's now changing them on her and still expecting her to pick up the resulting slack.

You are SOOOO not being unreasonable.

The inconvenience to you (heavily pg and in charge of toddler, baby due, having done the max to ensure everyone’s happy) compared to DH (can’t be arsed to commute two days per week, maxes out at 1 day per week) just isn’t comparable.

I can’t imagine your DH’s thought process: my wife is about to give birth, I can hear my son tantrumming, it’s within my gift to make left better for both of them by going into the office just two times per week…..but nah. I’m better off only going in once, they can deal with it.

I’m angry on your behalf 😡

We have communal office space place in town with a coffee shop and meeting rooms separate - can't dh go somewhere like this if he swaps round his wfh days?

When I wfh I get turfed out if the kids want the room.
if I want peace and quiet I go to work. I’m a grown adult and I have a choice. Occasionally the kids disturb me or want access to the room I’m in, fine.
you can’t wfh with kids in said home and expect it to be like the office. Ridiculous. Yanbu, your DH is.

Would tissue paper on the annex windows work? Or is he the kind of toddler who would need to see inside to check whether daddy was there?

This wfh shit has to end. It’s corporations maxing profits for shareholders by lowering overheads and pushing the cost onto households. And, in this and many other cases, children and women on maternity leave pay the price with lazy fucker male employees enabling it. Can’t people see what’s going on???

He needs to get a nanny who is paid to keep his offspring at bay

FFS, if you've read OP's posts, she's explained it perfectly clearly. For a two year old, it's very difficult to understand why on some days Daddy is free to be with him but on other days he can't, and no amount of explaining is going to help him in the moment when he's seen Daddy and thinks he can play with him. Likewise locking doors is not going to help OP when the 2 year old knows Daddy is behind the door and is upset that he is being ignored.

@brunettemic thats not quite what I said. It’s an office, it isn’t his. It was actually supposed to be mine! Obviously I’m not bothered he uses it when it’s just me here or when I’m at work but when DS is here it’s different.

I am glad it isn’t just me with a slightly feral toddler! I always think MN toddlers seem a bit more compliant than mine 😂

Surely your dh is going to have to get used to this/find some way around it when you're back at work and he has to be able to wfh and look after your son???

What's the story with the home office? Does it work better for DS? If so, then DH needs to work there on days DS is home even if the desk set up isn't as good - and coordinate with you if he needs to come out for loo/drinks etc. He can have lunch during the nap and then DS will hardly think of him all day (this is what we did during the first lockdown with a two year old, alternating days on childcare and in the office).

Expecting a 2yo to be able to play in the garden, and see daddy working a few metres away and ignore that is completely unrealistic, especially now it's become A Thing.

Sympathies OP, I was pregnant during said lockdown and remember trying to entertain a 2yo in the garden when I was huge and exhausted, they were very very long days.

But can use garden after 5pm and weekend etc. Seems silly to set ds off. If she really wants to use garden then dh can get blinds for annex or get dh to work from office in the house they have.
It sounds like they have space with 2 dedicated home offices which is more than most people, it’s much easier than him being at kitchen table.
I’d have thought a sensible solution could be reached eg it doesn’t even sound like they’ve tried a bolt or latch on door.

The most obvious solution is for your DH to stick to the planned wfh days and not piss about swapping and changing his routine.

Is there a genuine work related reason for the changing days, or his he just doing it on a whim?

He is at home. Which is where people live. The fact that he is allowed work from there doesn't supersede that it's your home and your son's. If your DH can't make it work than back to the office.

She's home, heavily pregnant (soon with a baby and recovering from a section) with a cranky 2yo though - the garden should be invaluable for getting him to run off some steam in the fresh air without the rigmarole of leaving the house.

It's quite simple. In office with door shut = working.

Not in office or door not shut=disturbable.

Similar to the way that people educate their children not to burst in on others when they are in the toilet, but it's perfectly fine to play with them when they are sitting in the lounge. Yes a 2 year old probably won't get it straight away, but they will with constant repetition.

For all those posters who keep suggesting " simple" solutions for keeping what sounds like a pretty typical 2 year old away from his father when he works from home...

How about send 2 year old to nursery on those days ...

Hang on, the OP did that....

If the toddler is raging he can’t play with daddy, I can’t imagine he’s going to be chillaxed about “no garden all day until your witching hour”. Not going into the garden will make OP’s life harder on the days she has him at home, not easier. It’s also just a bit shit: no looking for worms today, no pootling on the grass, no mud kitchen, no charging around the lawn, no ice pops, no paddling pool. What would make things easier is her DH sticking to a plan. The simplest solutions are often the best.

It's a DH issue. You moved nursery days so now it's down to your DH to work around what was agreed.

He is creating the problem here which in turn his causing distress for you and your DS.

I am a lone parent, I had a live in to take care of my DD when she was small so I could work. I used to go the office as she was too little to understand mummy couldn't play even though I was at home.

If I didn't want to do the commute I'd take myself off to a cafe etc and work there.

Why can't he use it then?

You've got a 2 year old who isn't able to fully understand yet that daddy can't play because he's working, which is fair enough. I think your husband needs to realise that there are 3 days when wee un is at nursery when he can work from home without being interrupted. It's not on that he expects you to keep a very small child quiet and tantrum free when the goalposts of daddy being at home change.