To not stop DS disturbing DH when he is wfh?

[Mintelderflower]

DH wfh for three days - Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. He is supposed to be at the office Tuesdays and Fridays but often decides to switch days around last minute.

DS attends nursery for three days a week and I have changed these days to accommodate the days Dh is supposed to be in the office because DS is a bit of a nightmare and keeps wanting to play in the room DH is working from and climbing on DH lap, wanting to go out on the bikes (this is also where the bikes are kept.) When he is taken away he throws massive tantrums (he is 2) and also keeps gravitating back. It’s really tricky. Normally DS days in nursery have to be my work days but currently on maternity leave.

I think I need to say very honestly to DH that I’m not going to keep intervening. If he makes the choice not to go to the office on that day then he isn’t going to get much work done. I don’t want to be an arse about this but I sort of feel I’ve done everything I reasonably can to avoid this issue and now it’s on DH.

Can't believe some of these responses. The ops dc is at home...the DC should be allowed to live a normal life at home. If he has an office, he can sod off there or stop complaining. The op and the toddler haven't parked themselves in his office all day have they?

I would however ask DH if he would like to change his regular WFH days if the current schedule isn't working with his work schedule, so that nursery days could change to accommodate that, but then expect him to stick to that.

I do however have a sneaking suspicion that when the new baby arrives with all the disruption involved then DH will no longer be so ken on WFH

As someone who's husband works from home 4 days a week and one day in the office since our daughter was 9 month old. (it used to be 2 days from home and 3 days in the office pre covid). They also didn't go to nursery until they were 3 and I work part time shift work so we have a lot of time with the 3 of us at home.
You do need to keep trying to enforce some boundaries re your husband working from home. At 2 the do have some understanding of yes and no.
He had dedicated work spaces so he's not just sitting in the kitchen and living room expecting you all to be silent.

When baby is newborn and he's at nursery and your husband working from home may come in handy. I found if I wanted a shower or something my husband kept popping downstairs for cuddles and seeing if were ok!
Today I'm in the house with our 3 year old and we've kept out of his way. We go out etc but can't do that all the time

This.

It's not good for your baby for you to be so.stressed.

This. Is his ability to work from home going to useful in the future. Eg when accommodating school pick up etc? Or will he be able to come in at lunch time to make lunch and cuddle the baby when your baby is small? If so it makes sense to find a workable solution. If the long term plan is that his WFH doesn’t benefit them by all means ask him to go into the office more or on the days he had arranged.
personally working in an office at home doesn’t sound unreasonable to me though (the garden room did sound unreasonable) .

If the garden is crucial to Op and ds then why can’t dh wfh in the indoor office.
If you were all in a one bed flat then dh working at home is an issue but in a property with an office inside and an office in garden then you can make it work.
Obviously if Op prefers dh to be office based and never wfh that’s a conversation to be had but I’d have thought longer term dh being able to wfh and be flexible re days would be a godsend with 2 small children eg she won’t need to take baby on nursery run, he’s there if child is sick and as get older can go to nursery or school events.

I had a 1 year old and 3 year old start of lockdown when my husband started to work from home. My 1 year old is now 4 and she knows she cannot go up to daddy, sometiems she tries but she knows thats what it is. My then 3 year old is autistic non verbal and has learning disability. She is 6 now and similar to a 2 year old and she would try and go upstairs and still does where my husband is and I would always stop her. She will meltdown as she doesn't understand, in hoildays i do go out for day a lot as its easier but i find taking her out better anyways as she is easier when out and struggles less, I'm not saying it's easy because obviously it's not but wouldn't there be just some just non Negotiables. I would think where he is would make all difference. If he is upstairs in one room away from main family area then ur son isn't going to be reminded. So on day he is working from home and ur home he has to work from home upstairs and not in garden annexe. Like in same way when a family has a nanny and the child would usually get more upset if the mum decides to spend loads of time downstairs around child. It's easier for the nanny to work if the mum is upstairs away from the child.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I’m sorry but I think we’ve misunderstood one another. Use what?

@Yerroblemom1923 what?? Sorry -
that’s not meant rudely, it’s meant as a genuine expression of bafflement!

Again, those who keep saying what my toddler should do - sorry but he doesn’t.

I don’t honestly know why he keeps chopping and changing but it’s a pain, especially when it’s suddenly sprung on me.

I could understand people thinking I’m being unreasonable if I insisted he went to the office every single day or if I was saying that he had to stay crossing his legs and not use the toilet, but it is just a bit exasperating he doesn’t see that this is a pain!

As for the garden … I would keep him out of it if I felt it would help, but it wouldn’t work. Our downstairs area is open plan and we have glass doors that look directly out onto the annexe and the garden. DH can’t stay in the annexe all day, there is no toilet.

I work from home sometimes but if it caused any problems with my partner / child then I would work in the office on the days he's not at nursery. How on earth he can concentrate when he has a toddler screaming and trying to get his attention is beyond me. He sounds selfish.

Are 2 year olds known for their reasoned approach to logic?? Mine werent. Adults on the other hand ….

Your DH has 2 choices.
1 - work from home on the days ds is in nursery
2 - deal with ds tantrums and disturbances if he wfh on other days.

I cannot believe that posters are saying that your ds shouldnt go into your garden unless its in the evening or weekends. Thats just bonkers. All because your Dh cant stick to an agreed arrangement.

I actually find DH WFH really helpful as he's another pair of hands if needed, he helps us get in the car and out when I'm in a rush, he will hold baby while I deal with DD1 if something has happened, etc. But neither of mine have been particularly bothered about him being there but 'working', which is just as well as he doesn't have an option to go into the office, he's fully remote bar site visits, so it would be a big issue otherwise!

You can't possibly know it will take your son months to understand that a shut door means Daddy is not playing.

I didn't have a sophisticated or biddable 2 year old at all. He was violent, bitey, autistic, often overwhelmed, speech delayed, had limited understanding, could scream for hours. He's now at special school. And he could understand and accept a new rule like "no TV before lunch" in less than a week. You are highly unlikely to have a more unruly 2 year old than everyone else does.

I would suggest visual prompts, eg a door sign. Stop explaining if it's not helping, go for simple, clear and consistent. Back each other up. Makaton sign if you sign with him. Give your son the tools to help him understand and then crack on with it. Shield the window if needed, or DH commits to work where he is not seen. I wonder if you are both undermining each other. Look at it all from DS's point of view, he needs a clear signal when Daddy is at home working and then you follow through every single time. He will get it, and accept it. But every time DH comes out and gives him a cuddle, or you take him for a bike ride, you're back to square 1.

Can you find out why he’s chopping and changing? If it’s pure whim and not working for you get him to stick to set days.
If it’s work related then ask him to tell you in advance and agree where he will be in the house or garden. My office days alter for work and team related reasons each week.

I've read it several times over, but I don't understand. Your son is in nursery Monday, Wednesday and Friday? and those days were chosen at least in part because those were the days that your DH had agreed/arranged to WFH, have I got that right? But now he often changes his days around and may or may not be WFH on the days when your toddler is also at home?

Have you had a conversation with your DH about it being really difficult to keep feral 2 year old out of the garden room and from disturbing him? Have you actually said anything to you DH along the lines of "Oi, what's the deal here? You were supposed to be in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and you being WFH on those days is making my life hell trying to keep a determined little Damien child from disturbing you. Can you please go back to being in the sodding office on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and you can do whatever the hell you like on Monday/Wednesday/Fridays? I'm heavily pregnant and can't keep Beelzebub Child occupied away from you all day, and I sure as shit won't be able to do that when my abdomen has been sliced through to remove our next spawn, so can you please sort this shit out?"

@Weal definitely.

Honestly looking after a toddler in normal circumstances is hard enough but this sounds intolerable. The op made her concession by organising nursery three days a week. She's done her bit. The dh now needs to compromise.

I think one of the problems is that I’ve been far too accommodating in the past, we have spent a lot of time out of the house because to be honest it just wasn’t much fun for anybody. When I hit trimester 3, after a reasonably easy pregnancy, I did start to get sciatica and various aches and pains and these have increased a fair bit. I have to admit I do find DS a bit of a physical struggle.

It is also hard to know if it is his age, or whether he is unsettled with a new arrival coming, but he is challenging and has ramped up his tantrums at the moment. Like a lot of children, he tends to behave very well at nursery and when we are out eg at groups and saves it all for home! Then the nap is becoming a bit difficult - he’s at that funny stage where he sort of needs it but does not need it but does … so some days he doesn’t nap and is tired and grouchy in the afternoon and some days he does nap and is somehow still tired and grouchy when he wakes (and the stuffiness doesn’t help) so it’s not really perfect boundary setting time and enforcing Rules. He’s just quite needy at the moment.

Get blinds and a lock on the annexe, or if you’re in the garden get him to use the other room. Practically all 2 year olds have tantrums they get the message if you’re consistent. It will make it easier for you if he can’t see/ get to dad which sounds very possible in your set up. When you have 2 children there are times when one will have to cry for a bit

Your son is in nursery Monday, Wednesday and Friday? and those days were chosen at least in part because those were the days that your DH had agreed/arranged to WFH, have I got that right? But now he often changes his days around and may or may not be WFH on the days when your toddler is also at home?

Yes, that is right. DH is home those days.

When I was working, his days were slightly different because they reflected the three days a week that I was at work. Now I have more flexibility as I’m on maternity leave I thought it would be good to swap over so DH wasn’t being disturbed, I wasn’t dealing with tantrums and DS wasn’t upset …

You've arranged nursery to accommodate so it's on DH if he changes. You can try to keep your DS entertained and away but that's not going to work all the time, especially if he is working somewhere inconvenient and you need to access. Either your dh keeps to the agreed days or sucks it up.

Both me and dh wfh, him 2/3 days and me mostly full time. If there is a dc at home they interrupt, it's expected. My 3yo is a regular on our calls when he's at home (as in after 4:30, if he's ill), my colleagues will say hello and make a little fuss of him or laugh at whatever weird thing he does in the background as we do for anyone else with children or pets.

Indoor office was yours but presumably won’t be needed while on maternity leave? Can you agree dh will move in there for mst leave with door lock and headset on.
If ds can’t see him in garden annex it will head off lots of issues and you can use garden/lounge/kitchen freely. Ds will probably more readily accept dh is going out to work as he can see he’s not in annex.

Totally not undermining my previous much more sensible post, but apropos of nothing, a large empty fabric conditioner bottle with a lid is an excellent receptacle for a man to wee into, and it's strategic implementation along with a packed lunch, flask and bottles of water would mean that a person could stay concealed in a garden room for a full office working day unless they need a poo

Tupperware cereal containers are a better shape for women and both can hold several wees

I'm also thinking a lesser commute therefore in the house earlier to help with both children as well morning and evening. With him wfh x3 days

Of course all two year olds have tantrums but I am not totally convinced by this ‘they will get the message if you are consistent.’ I have been consistent, I do think I deal with it well, but it doesn’t stop it draining the very soul from my being. And I really am a bit worried about full days of it if I am recovering post section - or being faced with the rather horrid prospect of parks or something a fortnight after surgery.