Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

Thank you. When I read that comment, all I could think was, there are things people use and eat that would harm plants so the opposite is also true.

As for organic, lots of things are organic that I would not want a child to have on them. Oleander and hemlock are "organic" for instance. As is cow and horse 💩.

OP--YANBU

Seems there a quite a few people think that plant food is not dangerous to humans. It is not designed or made for humans.
I react to some organic plant foods highly diluted and still makes my skin itch and burn.
I would also add some plant foods are misused by some stupid humans for a 'high' which has unfortunate and rather bad side effects in some cases.
I think you are right not to want Mil to use this in your child's presence unless used as a teaching aid when old enough to understand it is not for human consumption or to get on your skin. I sat with small people and had discussions about how sick you can get and really sore tummies if they eat stuff out the garden and always to show mummy , not me , mummy came and asked me often 🤣
Glad you washed him afterwards . It us good to learn washing hands from a very early age anyway but particularly in this case necessary .

I don't think unreasonable at all. If it states to take care around children then she should have taken care around children. Letting it get on their skin even in diluted form is not taking care - hands can go in mouths.

Know everyone has jumped on your OCD like "get some help" and that is a good thing to do in general by the sounds (get help and work on that). But I think your feelings here are totally reasonable. Just wanted to say.

I'd be the same re any sort of chemicals on little hands and in general I'm pretty easy going. I'm a peads nurse and unfortunately have seen nasty things happen when people are too laxy daisy with cleaning/gardining stuff so well done for taking action before anything happened. If anything like this happens again just tell her you don't want your child near them. If she kicks off it's her who looks unreasonable not you! They are your children. As you mentioned in one of your posts, if you hadn't of brought up the OCD people here wouldn't be zoning in on that and would most likely be siding with you. Your MIL sounds like a wagon, who makes racist jokes to pick at someone? So gross

Some interesting chemistry lessons on this thread, but the OP was OTT because the child was absolutely fine. What is the issue here? Yes, ideally it wouldn’t have been on the child’s hands but no harm was done and his hands were washed. How can someone flounce off and then still be so angry about this hours later? The child didn’t drink miracle gro!

Are you for real?

You’d probably be angry at someone who let your toddler play in the road, regardless of whether or not they were hit by a car.

Pouring dangerous chemicals over a small child’s hands is a really stupid thing to do and it would be understandable for anyone to be somewhat angry.

The OP, presumably, would not have known whether her child would be okay or not, because symptoms may not immediately arise.

On top of that, the OP has a mental disorder whereby she suffers from obsessive, obtrusive thoughts, with chemicals and contamination being her particular triggers.

but the OP was OTT because the child was absolutely fine.

What's this? Parenting by hindsight?

My child didn't drown in the bath when they were unsupervised so therefore I am being OTT in hitting the roof when I find out my child was left alone?

Of all the comments on here that are actually at least relevant to what occurred, this has to be the most ridiculous statement on the entire thread. Possibly written by a bot????
Struggling to understand how a remotely human human being could have thought this, let alone written it in response to the situation as described by OP.

The bots needs to learn to at least read the OP’s posts and pick up RELEVANT NEW INFO like ‘MiL also makes racist comments’.

Bad bots.

I don’t think you are BU. If your child got the stuff on their hands they could so quickly put them in their mouth.

Too many casual, “don’t make a fuss” kind of people. Same ones who let their 5 year old walk to and from school or expect them to cook their own dinner saying they’re 10 years old! 😂

Oh OP, you are getting a very hard time here. YANBU, your MIL was negligent and I wouldn't allow unsupervised access any longer but your partner was also negligent by not supervising your DC either.

I do understand your concerns but you mentioned in your OP that DS3 was already helping MIL to water the garden so she didn't just decide to start that when you were away for a few minutes. TBF, if I was in the garden on a warm, sunny day and the plants needed to be watered, unless I was engaged in something else I would probably potter and water them - perhaps she saw it as a nice way to entertain DS3 and engage him by helping to water them.

Assuming the product was this, it recommends wearing gloves at all times when gardening, not specifically for using this product - most amateur gardeners will tell you they rarely follow that advice - if I'm walking through the garden I'll potter and pick as I go past my pots. It also advises washing hands after use and washing splashes from skin - it doesn't say IMMEDIATELY and it also doesn't have strong hazard warnings; issues may arise on breathing a large amount of dust or eating the product, but it should be safe for general use, so I do think you might have slightly overreacted - having said that, he's your son and you were doing what you thought was right. He is also your partner's son, and if he is happy for the exposure then you need to discuss that between you - one does not trump the other.

@AutumnCrow Exactly. Well pointed out...bad bots learning from bad humans re nor reading and understanding full thread of OP's comments. How's she kept her cool in her responses is only to be admired

Oh yes, the OP needs an award for bravery and resilience in the face of Bad Bots Not Reading Updates.

@usernamealreadytaken Have you actually read what happened? Have you noted that OP's DH did not witness the incident as he was away changing another child's nappies? Have you considered what 3 year olds do with their hands, e. g. rub eyes, put them in mouth? Have you considered that 3 year olds and younger need to be taught what's safe and what isn't?

Have you noted that OP's MIL makes racist comments and that OP still lets her MIL 'engage and entertain' her DS, only turning her back briefly on this occasion?
Have you noted that the child's father sort of shruugged it off?

If it were my DS and my MIL I would go non contact and let DP explain exactly why to his mum.

Honestly this would bug me and my partner out. YANBU

Yes, my kids were brought up gardening, growing veg, planting seeds, digging compost and learning about safety and not putting their hands in their mouths until they had washed their hands; they were brought up playing in dirt and sand and seawater. I have suffered from MH issues and absolutely did not want to pass my neuroses on to my children.

The racist comments have nothing to do with watering plants. My father had mental health issues and I'm well aware of inappropriateness around children; if OP was concerned then I'm sure she would not have left DS with MIL alone for a moment.

The child's father shrugged it off as he's not concerned, in the same way as lots of other parents aren't concerned because gardening is stuff we do with our kids, in a safe and managed way.

Hiw would you know what kind it was?

Using a fertiliser that requires the use of goggles and gloves is not doing gardening with a child in a ‘safe and managed way’.
To those who understand this or understand it now, please vote or change your vote. This is actually important!
This is the first thread that I decided to cast my opinion on, because I was shocked of the ignorance there is around this topic.

The point is that we don't know whether the instructions require goggles or not as OP is unclear on which fertiliser was actually used - the Miracle Gro soluble has the following caution -

Cautions Keep out of reach of children. Wash splashes from skin. Wash hands after use. Always wear gloves when gardening.

No mention of goggles.

I washed his hands straight away

using chemicals (everything is made of chemicals including water, air, little boys’ hands…….)

The point is that we don't know whether the instructions require goggles or not as OP is unclear on which fertiliser was actually used - the Miracle Gro soluble has the following caution -

Cautions Keep out of reach of children. Wash splashes from skin. Wash hands after use. Always wear gloves when gardening.

No mention of goggles.

Miracle Gro soluble is an NPK mix -

Nitrogen is naturally found in many things which children may commonly be in contact with - one which springs to mind is urine; human urine is too strong for plants so needs to be watered down before using. Fair enough children was their hands after going to the toilet, but you can't avoid contact with that entirely and babies often put their hands in their mouths when contaminated, it's hard to avoid.

The P is phosphorus - commonly found in banana skins and eaten in the form of salmon, beef, nuts...

The K is for potassium - a mineral we eat copious amounts of in apricots, avocados, salmon, spinach, potatoes, bananas.

It's still a "chemical" fertiliser and should be handled with care, and not ingested, but safe and normal use doesn't result in harm, although those with sensitivities can have a reaction. OP does not indicate that MIL wasn't supervising or that DS was behaving dangerously.

No reasonable person would purposely pour water with fertilizer in it on a child. Only a really messed up person would do it to another person’s child knowing that it would bother either of their parents.

No, it’s not going to kill him once. But why did she do expose him to chemicals even once? She can’t be trusted.

I know multiple people who have had cancer and been told it was due to exposure to chemicals. Someone I know is currently a party in this lawsuit:

Farmers, landscapers and agricultural workers are filing Roundup cancer lawsuits against Monsanto and Bayer claiming the weed killer caused them to develop non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Bayer offered $10.9 billion to settle thousands of claims in 2020, and Roundup lawyers continue to take cases.

Cigarette manufacturers touted tobacco as healthy for decades and knowingly lied. So the less exposure to chemicals, even though “they probably won’t hurt him”, the better.

😂

Knowing how easily children can become poisoned by excessive exposure to things like plant food (which is literally fertilizer), YANBU. Your child's safety was at risk. Your OCD had little to nothing to do with this particular situation as fertilizer IS NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN. A quick Google search proves your concerns and reaction were reasonable.