Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

Ermmm ok....wouldn't you at least like to make that call with your own children? Most people (in RL) don't regard allowing children exposure to caustic chemicals as reasonable exposure to strengthen their immunity.

Batshit.

So does chlorine which is extremely dangerous, however it’s extremely safe when diluted and is even in drinking water!
I haven’t voted because I think it depends what it was…. If it was plant feed it’s likely safe diluted or would kill the plants… if it was an insecticide then yeah that’s more dangerous for kids who are more likely to touch their faces/put hands in their mouth.
But whether you over reacted or not I think the MIL could’ve run it by you first… but yes definitely seek treatment, my SIL has OCD & struggles with things like buffets/party food etc…

That isn't true.

Oh god I've heard it all now

@Bakingbread no it doesn't. Exposure to bacteria and viruses yes. Exposure to toxic environmental substances definitely not - cumulative damage is what will happen

It must be so hard being a relatively new mum and adding in OCD too. We all want to protect our children. I imagine your anxiety levels must be quite high quite a lot of the time as OCD is rooted in control and let’s face it little children are little whirlwinds. I think the key here is reasonable- it was lovely of your MIL to do a joint activity with your DC. Children learn by doing things with the significant adults in their lives and feeding the plants is a lovely one to learn. I think it would have been entirely reasonable to wash your little ones hands after the activity or say a gentle reminder about not putting hands in mouths once it had got on his hands and then wash it off once they’d finished. The concern is the evident panic it’s caused you. Keep going with your treatment and being aware that your instinctual reaction may be a bit skewed in the meantime so take a beat and stop the spiralling thoughts and check yourself. You’ll get there and stop the anxiety transferring to your children too.

The MiL is a racist

Watering the plants = lovely activity with the grandkids. The addition of chemical based plant food was completely unnecessary and done in an underhand way imo.

The thing is op yeah I get you worry that it could be harmful and yes I’d probably be washing their hands and saying nog to touch mouth. But it’s the comment afterwards that you’re livid that’s unreasonable why ? it was adult supervision and you washed dc hands? What is the actual harm and why livid ? That’s the overreaction .

Seriously OP you need to get a grip before your anxieties rub off onto your children. And they will - they will be nervous wrecks because that’s the behaviour they’ve grown up watching as ‘normal’

Jesus christ. Cancel the cheque part 2.

Indeed!!

YANBU, I have a 2 year old & I'd go mad if someone allowed her to have her hands in plant food, I totally believe you on the goggles & gloves too as many fertilisers mainly lawn feed have warnings on saying wear goggles & especially gloves.plant food even if it is organic is still a potent chemical,which is incredibly dangerous to children especially if ingested, dilute or not. You will always be judged negatively by some because of your ocd but ocd or not it's just common sense. Your mil could have just let him use plain water.

What do you mean ‘it was adult supervision’? It was an adult who encouraged a child to do something dangerous.

I think OP perceives that MIL purposefully waited until both parents were briefly absent, because she likes to do and say things to provoke a reaction from OP.

Good grief. You sound like my sister in law who has isolated my brother and cut him off from all the family. She won’t see us- they have been married for 10 years and I’ve met her twice. My brother is miserable. You are making your husband and his family miserable (and you’re making enemies of them) and you will make your kids miserable. This is a huge non issue and one of these days you’ll cause a fuss about something that doesn’t need a fuss and you’ll end up divorced. My brother is on the verge of it and I’ll wager your husband is too.

@Seagull97 do you generally attack people suffering from illnesses or just in the case where you want to project your own issues onto them?

Maybe she doesn’t like meeting you because you’re quite a horrible person?

I’m a gardener, there’s no way I’d let a small child handle plant food like that.

I would never let my small grandchildren use any plant food or chemical on the garden. Using a watering can with plain water fine. Or using a trowel fine. I think your reaction was correct. I am amazed at the attitude of others thinking you are being fussy. Better safe than sorry!

Absolutely no overreaction from OP. It was a ridiculous and dangerous thing to do.
People focusing on her OCD are missing the point and being very judgemental and lacking in any sort of empathy to boot

It’s just nitrogen, potassium and phosphorus at around 6%. Goggles and gloves because it can be an irritant to eyes and skin. Contact isn’t going to kill anyone or mutate their DNA. Keep away from kids because kids do things like drink liquids kept in interesting looking bottles. You don’t have to know about fertiliser but you do have to know that Gran loves your child. And in her own way may be showing you the path with risk perception? Just a thought.

This 100%

I do not think you are being unreasonable. Children’s skin is delicate.

I would be upset too, helping yes having hands covered in plant feed no!

Well done for seeking help and support .

Haha, you know how dangerous pesticides are right? That the people farming the crops won't go in the field afterwards because they're so dangerous??

OP, I did vote YABU, BUT then I read the comments. And I feel I, and a large number of others, have potentially misjudged you.

Unfortunately by telling us in advance that you have OCD, it has enabled us all to fix on that, and basically do exactly what you feared, and call you a hysterical mother. Or at the very least hint at it whilst telling you that you need help with your OCD 🙄 Yep, you perhaps do, hut thats not the issue here. The issue is, did grandma do something that could have been potentially harmful to one or both toddlers, when she likely knows that mum is an overthinker at best. And the answer is yes, yes she did. She could have 'fed' her plants another time when the kids were not there. Hell, she could have watered them another time! I expect she thought it'd be cute and gave no thought to the consequences. Well someone has to 🤷‍♀️ and this time, as is usually the case, it was mum!

Leaving the open box on the floor was a BIG fucking problem for me too, considering theres TWO toddlers on the premises!! If she thought it was cute to let 3 yr old help, she could easily have put water only in the cans.

Miracle Gro is one of the most popular plant feeds and if you look at their boxed powder (to be made up with water) it has warnings ALL over it, to not allow contact with the skin and eyes, to rinse immediately if any splashing occurrs to ANY part of the skin, and most of all to KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

So yeah, OP, I wish I could go back and change my vote tbh, but I can't. All I can do is offer an apology for casting a vote too soon! And also let you know, in this situation, with this information, no you were not being unreasonable. You were being perfectly reasonable in fact, as well as classy in the way in which you withdrew, if it went as you tell it anyway 😉

Its your husband's mother, not yours. He needs to say something to her, NOW, soonest possible, not next week, not next month, not even next time you see her. And he needs to take your side, he needs to say we had a problem with it, not wife had a problem with it. When he married you, he agreed to forever have YOUR back. And in this situation, more so than ever@)!

So no, you were NOT being unreasonable. BUT I do also think that a little help with your OCD wouldn't hurt. At the very least it may help you stop second guessing your very right mummy intuition. Xxx