Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

Blimey, whatever happened to 'it's okay not to be okay'?! The next part must be 'unless you're a parent, in which case get a bloody grip'.

YANBU.

I don’t have OCD and I would never do this, and would be pretty pissed off if someone else did. Leaving box on the floor was also unsafe (don’t you also have a baby who could crawl to that box?).

Your initial reaction was not unreasonable, your ongoing distress is disproportionate (but explained by your OCD).

There’s a lot of ableism and general stupidity on this thread.

this

I had a distinct mismatch of safety expectations with my mil too, and dh was, at the time, more invested in not rocking the boat than thinking straight.

Eventually I just decided never to leave my dc with her unsupervised until they were old enough to take care of themselves. I didn’t discuss it - I just made it so.

Now that they’re older, they have a lovely relationship.

At the time I was struggling to distinguish what was unreasonable and what was my “anxiety” but at a remove of ten years I can categorically say that in most cases she was fucking bonkers unreasonably lax.

Although, to check myself, should probably avoid using the word ‘stupid’…

You really need help with your OCD, its not fair for your chile/children as it will pass on to them in their life

OP I cannot believe what a hard time people are giving you over this! YANBU.

Having chemicals out in the open with a 1 and a 3 year old right there is bad enough. Letting the 3 year old handle it is just plain strange and negligent. I don’t know how anyone could defend that.

If anything, I think your reaction was completely normal, and your OCD has made you second guess yourself. You did the right thing. 💐

I agree with most thing. I disagree you’ll pass your ocd anxieties into your children. I grew up with a parent diagnosed with severe OCD. Also fear of contamination. Caused my parents to divorce. However neither my sister and I have the same kind of OCD - if anything I’m a bit lax!! We do both suffer from anxieties of different types though. Glad to hear you’re getting help with the OCD and I hope the modern day help is better than 30 years ago. But I think the OCD was also a undiagnosed ASD with my parent - we’ve since had several members of that family line diagnosed.

The replies to this thread are concerning. Worrying how many people totally underestimate the effects of hazardous chemicals on children. YNBU.

I don't think you're unreasonable. The instructions on the box are there for a reason. I know lots of things say "keep out of reach of children," from dishwashing liquid to shampoo to concentrated bleach. But in general if something says you should use gloves AND that you should keep out of reach of children, then I would follow those instructions, because the direction to use gloves is NOT on all household chemicals, but usually on those that are somewhat higher risk.

In addition, there are other factors that would cause me to be more cautious about this sort of event. First, toddlers are notorious for their willingness to get into trouble when given an inch, and for their lack of nuance. It's a lot easier to keep a toddler safe with "don't open or play with any of the boxes in grandma's garage" than with "well this one is ok but none of the others."

Second, your MIL waited until you were out of the room and knew you probably wouldn't have consented to this. Was there some pressing need for her to involve your child in this activity? Why not just... not do it? Letting a toddler play with garden chemicals is not some essential childhood rite of passage by which children will be traumatised or developmentally harmed if they don't get to do it. She was goading you. And one thing that is going to set off your safety alarm bells or signal you to someone else using poor judgment around your child, is when they make decisions about your child in order to goad you. It shows that she allows herself to be driven by spite and by a desire to "one-up" you and undermine you, rather than by true concern for your child.

It’s not that black and white. Fertiliser isn’t a great thing for your kids to potentially ingest and whilst I think you over reacted it’s reasonable to not want your kids exposed. It sounds like sloppy health and safety and she shouldn’t take risks

I think if the packaging says not to use around children nor get on skin, then you are not being unreasonable.

YANBU. You have definitely NOT been unreasonable. The instructions to use goggles and gloves are there for a reason. Plant feed/fertiliser can be either organic or chemical. Your MIL should know better. I would be fuming!

Were your child's hands blue.
The Miracle Gro I use is made up of blue granules you mix with water.

I'm not OCD, but I think a lot of people here don't actually realise what can be contained in plant food. It totally depends on the brand etc. We recently got grass seed for the lawn and there were soo many warnings on it and how you have to bury it and it can be harmful to birds - I couldn't believe that something used to grow grass could be so damaging. Vast majority of people don't like to even be aware of the level of chemicals put into products.
That said, I do think your MIL had no idea so it wouldn't have been appropriate to kick off with her.
Best of luck with your treatment for OCD

I’m a gardener too. I use a safe for edibles fertiliser that you dilute. I often water in my flip flops and find if I splash my feet by accident they blister and split - hands too!

You are not overreacting. You aren’t going to change MIL unfortunately. I caught my DS as a toddler chewing on the top of one of those gel oven cleaners with the plastic bristle like tops. My MIL was supposed to be keeping an eye on DS!!!

DS was never left with her even for a minute after that! I feel your pain.

Maybe op is overreacting a little but that’s no excuse for all the negative stereotypes about mental illness.

YANBU. I'd be furious too. As others have said, don't second guess yourself! You are right.

You are absolutely NBU! She sounds like my MIL, waited until you weren’t there, pounced, trying to get a reaction or forcing you to suffer something she knows you wouldn’t like in silence.
Handling irritant chemicals is not an activity suitable for a 3 yo!! Your judgement as a mum is sound, do not second guess yourself. I kept MIL away from all 3 of mine unsupervised until they were older because there were too many incidents like this where I was somehow painted neurotic when I was in fact just not negligent.

So OP’s at fault, not MIL or her DH?

As usual, it’s always the mother‘s fault to some posters. OP was there keeping an eye on things and it was only until she left that her MIL chose to get the plant food out. Would it also be OP’s fault if her DH took the kids over without her and her MIL did something like this again and one of the children actually ingested something they shouldn’t?

I think it’s fine to not want your 3 year old to touch chemicals, but why not stop your 3 year old at the time from touching it?

just a quick “don’t touch that love it’s for the plants” and if they had touched it then to wash their hands and get on with the afternoon.

im assuming that your tot is fine so no harm done. The warning is probably for it neat rather than diluted. I do think your OCD is causing the distress to go on far longer than is reasonable for this situation. I’m glad you’re getting some help as life with this level of worry must be very stressful for you.

YANBU. Completely agree with you OP.

Sorry but she was doing a nice thing with your child, it wasn't deliberate or dangerous really. I think you should text her and say you overreacted due to your OCD, and thank her for being a nice grandmother. Your OCD is real though and sounds quite bad - why not make a list of triggers to help people so they can be more careful maybe? I dont think it warrants being livid, just honest.

@sunflowersunday Immunity comes from exposure to small amounts of any and everything that is technically 'harmful'