Incident at MIL’s. Am I being a ‘hysterical mother’?

[Freyawiththeblondehair]

I’m really upset. For full disclosure I have obsessive compulsive disorder in part based around fears of contamination and chemicals, so that may be playing a part in my reaction to this.

This afternoon we were at MIL’s house, it was lovely and sunny so we were all out in the garden. She can be a bit lax around safety with the children who are 1 and 3 so we don’t leave them with her unattended anymore. Nothing awful, but she’s just not very ‘on it’, although I am aware I can be over protective.

My 3 year old had a toy watering can and was ‘helping’ her water her plants. I popped to the toilet and when I got back, MIL had taken some chemical plant feed from her shed, had my child help her ‘mix it’ and was watering the plants. Not only this but my child’s hands were under the spray, ‘ruffling’ the plants as she watered them (if you see what I mean). I washed his hands straight away and ordered him to keep away from the watering can, and told my partner immediately what had happened. He just kind of shrugged in an embarrassed way saying ‘well he isn’t eating it’.

I made our excuses and we came home but I am absolutely livid. Livid at MIL, livid my partner didn’t intervene and directly tell her not to use chemicals around the children, and livid with myself that I didn’t kick up a fuss. But I’ve had a few run ins with MIL before and feel I’m painted as a ‘neurotic, hysterical’ type. And I never know if my reactions are proportionate because of the OCD.

Am I right to be really angry about this? With both of them?

@phoenixrosehere
Because they are being deliberate awkward and obtuse.

Well this isn't an issue as there were 3 grown adults there. You, your husband and your MIL.

You really need to chill out.

I can see why you were worried and there’s nothing wrong with you as the mother having a total say in what is/isn’t ok for your children. However, your reaction does seem disproportionate to the level of risk. It sounds like a perfectly lovely interaction between them .

I initially thought it was a massive overreaction until I read what it said on the box. It was not correct for her to do but particularly insensitive if she's aware of your anxiety around chemicals. All the same though, this is not the worst thing in the world and livid is probably over the top as a reaction.

This thread has been eye-opening in a really horrible way. I would advise anyone with OCD not to tell anyone because clearly you'll be judged, looked down on and deemed to not be trying hard enough.

It wasn't neat at the start when he was helping to mix it. Anyway, it may be that the advice would apply regardless.

Surprised about the amount of other neurotic comments on here, though of course the vast majority agree you are being unreasonable.

She's not letting him drink it , I've never been affected by plant food when it's touched me ,even undiluted!

"always use gloves" and a picture.

"wash splashes from skin".

This is for adults.

I'd never risk young or any children's skin with this stuff!!

Who is really happy for this stuff probably not administer properly all over a child skin!

Sorry you’re getting a hard time, people are rude

i actually think some of your reaction is normal, some is ocd, and some is projecting a bit of anger onto the situation because you know your mil was pushing your buttons on purpose. Keep seeking help. Maybe step back from being around her because I can’t imagine she’s helpful to recovery and at least with the mixed responses you know you’re not the only one who wouldn’t like this for DC.

Lazy j

I've never heard following manufacturer comments as neurotic.

Chemicals of any sort aren’t ideal so I’m with you on that, she could’ve just left your child watering plants as they’d have been just as happy with water!!
as for timing of it (without the chemicals) I’m sure it was just a case of keeping the toddler amused so try see it that she was doing a good thing but ask without chemicals in future :)

I have to say, I'm really surprised at some of the replies on here. I have OCD along similar lines, and I'm guessing OP has a very real fear of putting other people (including her children) in danger by not acting diligently/ safely enough etc and if you're anything like me OP, your self esteem will be suffering from it hugely, and you are constantly thinking about how having OCD might impact your children and trying your very best to keep a lid on your anxiety around certain things. Telling someone with these types of anxieties that they need to pack it in because they're going to damage their kids is a really cruel and short-sighted thing to say. Asking for genuine advice about something you're really worried about takes enormous bravery - be kind people!

Well that's a drip-feed.

YANBU if the packaging said not to get it on skin or use it around kids.

I just wanted to jump on here and give you a little support. Your MIL is definitely not "with it", so you are right to supervise her time with your little one. I am shocked at how many responses here are so harsh! I will be unhappy if this had happened to one of my children. Also, the racism thing is concerning. She sounds disrespectful of you and your values. I have grandchildren, and I support their parents' wishes in child rearing issues even when I don't agree.

This.

I am a Grandmother too, and on this occassion I agree with you wholeheartedly @Freyawiththeblondehair. I also think that any right minded and caring parent would have felt the same way as you, whether they had OCD or not.

If it’s miracle gro it doesn’t quite say what you stated. It says they ‘recommend wearing gloves for gardening’, keep the
powder away from children and wash hands after use. Can’t see any mention of goggles. If it was big or weed killer I’d absolutely be with you but it’s just plant food.

@SpringOn Anxiety is in your DNA, so theres a 30% chance the kid already has it!

Also, it might seem an overreaction but for a person with OCD it really is a big deal.

Oh, and I want to add that I know in the grand scheme of things this might not seem important, but watering (and feeding) plants in full daylight and heat is not at all good for them. The watering should ideally be done twice a day in this sort of heat, at about 7.00 am and 9.00 pm would be good, and how often the plants are fed should be determined by the individual needs of the plant, but probably not more than once a week maximum - your MiL @Freyawiththeblondehair did not need to feed the plants at all today. I hate 'game players', and she seems to be a big one, but it is disgusting to use her Grandchild as one of her tools...

Yep, if she’d posted the opposite, and was the MIL in this scenario, they’d have ripped her a new one in the opposite direction.

Clearly your MIL is a massive danger to your child. And you’re at fault in bring your child over there. She cant t be trusted for one second not to do something to deliberately harm your child, so you should not bring your child over there ever again. You need to have words with your OH so that he understands the incredible danger she poses so that he too will not let the child go there. Maybe when the child is about 15 it will be ok.

YANBU. I don’t have OCD, the opposite if anything, I let my kids play in all sorts and let them do stuff like eat a crisp if they’ve dropped in on the floor outside as long as they follow the two second rule 😂 however I also wouldn’t be happy with this, plant feed is an irritant and is not for playing in. I would liken in to cleaning products in the sense that no it probably won’t hurt him unless he actually ate it but it’s not going to do his skin any use and it’s not something you’d really want to encourage a small child to play with. The OCD is a red herring. I’d be annoyed about this.

Living with recurrent, managed OCD myself, I know where you are coming from. But as you will have experienced, a lot of people think it’s just about ‘liking things tidy/clean’ to an unreasonable degree and don’t understand the level of sheer terror it can cause in the height of a flare up, even when on some level you might know the fear is irrational. Well done for courageously seeking help - it does take time and work, but you will get it under control. I don’t know anything about plant feed at all byt sound like your DC is ok, so you can breathe! As to where you focus your energy after the fact, it might help to consider sharing a little about what you are going through with any extended family who look after your children, if you haven’t already (I know this isn’t easy - took me decades! ) so they can support and understand if you have a strong reaction rather than unhelpfully painting you as neurotic (or suggesting you’re harming your kids by having a mental health condition - of course you aren’t: in fact, if you are open with them about it as they get older you are doing them a huge service by teaching them it is ok to struggle sometimes and to look for support when you need it). In case you need to hear it, it is reasonable to expect your husband/partner to be mindful of your OCD (assuming he knows about it) and to support you in these situations rather than just shrugging it off - perhaps not to ‘confront’ his mum but just gently ensure outside these moments thstvshe is aware that situations like this are really tough for you to handle.

OCD is not by definition a ‘reasonable’ illness and it's one that is very commonly misunderstood - please don’t beat yourself up by agonising over whether your reactions in the grip of it were reasonable - that’s an impossible standard to meet and you deserve understanding and compassion, not judgment. ❤️

This

Get some help. Super over reacting. Must be a bit of a nightmare being a relative of yours, sorry. Just chill, get proper help and let your kids be Kids. You will damage some bits in there.
Dude I am 80s baby. Shit was Toxic and dangerous, we didnt even had a car seat. Chill

Miracle gro is not toxic is it? It’s one tablespoon per gallon of water and it’s got the basic ingredients plant food has, I think your son is ok. If I were his grandmother, I’d make sure he washed his hands and not play in the mixture in the first place. She waited until you were gone for two minutes to get it out. That’s interesting. She likes to aggravate you, it sounds like from the info you’ve given us.