Friend who never pays

[Bubbles111]

Hello

I have a friend who ive known for 15 years. She has always been funny with me and has always had issues with her bank card for as long as i have known her (i.e. i cant use my card, can you buy with your card and i will transfer etc).

Anyway, she has always been in v.low paying jobs (well min wage) and had a baby unexpectedely (which obv hit finances, she has a parter, though) and with rising bills, she said they have been skint for months.

But as i said she has always been funny with money. She never pays for stuffor says she will give you money back and never does. Ive had enough. I earn 15k more than her but why should i subsidise her when she has never done that with me.

She came over to mine last night for a girls night and told me how skint she was. She kept hinting at me picking her up beforehand to save her payibg for a taxi (but i just ignored as shes 20miles away). She met me at my local shop and happily let me pay for snacks, drinks for us, all of whch she picked out. She said she would give me half - never did. She then kept saying she couldnt wait to order food (we agreed a takeaway) she then ordered £20 worth of food from my account (just eat) and said she would give me the money. She picked up her phone as if she was going to transfer but then put it back down.

We went on a short break months ago and she kept forgettibg to take her bank card on nights out or refusubg to buy food as it was too pricy but happily letting us buy drinks and food (for her!) On the alusion she woild pay back.it got to the point that I started eating less and drinking less because i didnt want to pay for her anymore.

Anyway she told our friend that we (4 friends) would arrange her baby shower. Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does. Becuaee she keeps sending us ideas and asking us to all pay. I have no bother payinf for things but i am refusing because my friend is dictating all ideas and has yet to pay for 1 thing.

I am meeting her through thr week. How would you handle this?

X

15 years this has been going on and you have never ever said anything to her?

Former friend by the end of the week I hope.

Right? That's the weirdest part of the whole thing why the fuck haven't you had a conversation about this in 15 years!

Forget your wallet.

Why have you put up with this for 15 years? Stop paying for her and say no. She's obviously using you, so I'm guessing it might be the last you'll see of her but it's no loss.

You're a mug and she knows it. Given that there's a 15 year precedent of muggery on your part having been well established, I don't see how you can attempt to right the ship's course at this stage AND preserve the friendship.

So you need to decide which you value more. Her friendship OR your right not to be used as 19th century style benefactor.

Anyway she told our friend that we (4 friends) would arrange her baby shower. Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does. Becuaee she keeps sending us ideas and asking us to all pay. I have no bother payinf for things but i am refusing because my friend is dictating all ideas and has yet to pay for 1 thing.

how very very childish of you and the 2 others

You’ve put up with this fir way too long. I think you should message her re: the baby shower and say “all sounds great. Please book/ order bits and let us know how much we owe you.”

Get a spine

and say - ok I like that idea, go ahead and book and we will each transfer our share

but nope - three of you just sit silently and seethe

Yeah, either you accept that this is a friendship tax or just stop paying for her. Don't go shopping with her. Don't order a takeaway, don't pay for anything upfront that you're not happy to gift her.

Re the baby shower, why don't you say something like "right, let's agree a budget for the baby shower before we start buying things. What is everyone happy to contribute? Let's all send to <stingy friend> so she can start buying some of the lovely things she's seen?

"Sounds good about the baby shower, let us know when you've booked and paid for the venue."

I’d have to have a blunt talk to be really clear. Anything else is just avoidant and won’t actually help in the long term.

empathise with her being broke but say you notice she never pays you back or pays her share, so you’ll not be doing anything anymore that involves paying for her.

she’ll claim shock and feign ignorance, saying she forgot or that you should have reminded her. Just say that it’ll be easier on you both to keep everything separate.

Just said that.
I wont let my friend go without. I have lots of baby shower things from past parties. But im not pickinf up anything my friend is recommending.

But you’re silently seething rather than addressing the issue with her

lovely, just lovely

To be clear, there is a venue and food and drink have been organised. My friend keeps chatting about big ideas for drinks and games. Im not buyinf anything she tells me.

Don't understand why you didn't just say "You can buy this lot and I'll cover the takeaway when we get back to mine" when you were in the shop and she was picking out snacks *for example)

What's involved in a 'baby shower' anyway? Isn't it an opportunity to get together and celebrate the impending arrival? with some gifts for the baby? (things like clothes and nappies) It doesn't have to be a big, expensive event. Presumably your pregnant friend is not drinking. Why does anything need to be 'booked'? Can't you all just gather at her house?!

This! You and only you have enabled her behaviour for all these years.

@Bubbles111 why do you keep calling her a friend? She isn’t your friend at all. She is a user. Wake up.

She would have been an ex friend the second time she did this. She’s a tight user and taking advantage of you. Cut her out of your life.

Even when I didn’t have a pot to piss in I paid my way, or I didn’t go.

Ok so what’s your plan after the hen do?

to carry on seething for another 15 years?

She's got YOU under her thumb hasn't she @Bubbles111 ???

Bin her off. She's a user, and a cheeky fucker.

Stop being a mug op

If you know she won’t pay for the takeaway, do not invite her for a takeaway. Don’t pay in the shop and don’t let her choose - if she chooses she pays.

Just tell her to buy the baby shower stuff and you’ll pay her back (or not, as she owes you the takeaway).

You have to actually say something.

And you have tolerated this for 16 yrs, begs the question why. You know you will never recover anything but you have the answer in your own hands, stop & stop now

15 years! You're a mug for thinking this person is a friend for that long.