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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend who never pays

167 replies

Bubbles111 · 25/06/2023 11:17

Hello

I have a friend who ive known for 15 years. She has always been funny with me and has always had issues with her bank card for as long as i have known her (i.e. i cant use my card, can you buy with your card and i will transfer etc).

Anyway, she has always been in v.low paying jobs (well min wage) and had a baby unexpectedely (which obv hit finances, she has a parter, though) and with rising bills, she said they have been skint for months.

But as i said she has always been funny with money. She never pays for stuffor says she will give you money back and never does. Ive had enough. I earn 15k more than her but why should i subsidise her when she has never done that with me.

She came over to mine last night for a girls night and told me how skint she was. She kept hinting at me picking her up beforehand to save her payibg for a taxi (but i just ignored as shes 20miles away). She met me at my local shop and happily let me pay for snacks, drinks for us, all of whch she picked out. She said she would give me half - never did. She then kept saying she couldnt wait to order food (we agreed a takeaway) she then ordered £20 worth of food from my account (just eat) and said she would give me the money. She picked up her phone as if she was going to transfer but then put it back down.

We went on a short break months ago and she kept forgettibg to take her bank card on nights out or refusubg to buy food as it was too pricy but happily letting us buy drinks and food (for her!) On the alusion she woild pay back.it got to the point that I started eating less and drinking less because i didnt want to pay for her anymore.

Anyway she told our friend that we (4 friends) would arrange her baby shower. Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does. Becuaee she keeps sending us ideas and asking us to all pay. I have no bother payinf for things but i am refusing because my friend is dictating all ideas and has yet to pay for 1 thing.

I am meeting her through thr week. How would you handle this?

X

OP posts:
HunterHearstHelmsley · 25/06/2023 12:34

Who booked and paid for the venue?

keyboardkat · 25/06/2023 12:35

Is there such a thing as the female equivalent of Cocklodger?

TeddySunflowers · 25/06/2023 12:38

Yanbu, she sounds like a CF, but I think you should be up front about it instead of playing 'i won't pay until she does' games.

TheMurderousGoose · 25/06/2023 12:42

She's absolutely taking the piss out of you.

Tell her as much and then dump her.

moonlitwalks · 25/06/2023 12:43

LookItsMeAgain · 25/06/2023 12:26

This is exactly what you send. You also say that she can Revolut you the money for the take away/snacks/whatever (that way you'll get the money instantly).

@UndercoverCop has written a perfectly acceptable and non-inflamatory message. Please send it.

Show quote history

I agree with sending this too. However, be prepared to lose this "friendship" as the fact she often "pretends" to send the money but doesnt means she knows exactly what she is doing and isnt really a friend in any sense of the word. Once she knows her ATM no longer gives out money she will move on to someone else.

CovertImage · 25/06/2023 12:43

Is there a reserve plan so the poor mum to be isn't left in the lurch?

I can't't quite believe that I've just seen this upthread

Throwncrumbs · 25/06/2023 12:43

I’ve got someone like this, she got a massive cob on back in April when I said NO, hasn’t spoken to me since, I feel a lot richer tbh!

MargotBamborough · 25/06/2023 12:45

TeddySunflowers · 25/06/2023 12:38

Yanbu, she sounds like a CF, but I think you should be up front about it instead of playing 'i won't pay until she does' games.

Yes, this.

I'm now no longer sure who the baby shower is for, but if it's for CF friend then the OP never should have agreed to organise it in the first place and at this stage if CF friend doesn't just gratefully accept whatever her friends are willing to organise and pay for they should cancel the whole thing and tell her that in lieu of a baby shower they've agreed to write off all the money she already owes them.

And if it's for another friend then they need to say, "Look, CF, you volunteered us all to organise this baby shower and you've got all these ideas for it but once again it seems you aren't willing to contribute financially. We will organise the baby shower because we don't want to let non CF friend down, but unless you're willing to pay for your share now we will just get on with it ourselves, without any input from you. And don't even think about volunteering us to organise something like this again. We're not going to spend our time and money making you look good when you haven't actually contributed anything except a shopping list of expensive and unnecessary items."

Crinkle77 · 25/06/2023 12:45

Should say a taxi for a 20 mile trip must cost a fortune!

Morphmorph · 25/06/2023 12:47

Is the friend who is having the baby shower the same friend who never pays for things? I assumed it was as you said she's having a baby but I've now seen other posts suggesting it may be another friend. If it's another friend then that's really sh*t to them. If it's the same friend then you should still speak up rather than letting her think you're all throwing a baby shower if you're not.

dickheed · 25/06/2023 12:47

YANBU. She is a CF.
But YABU for letting this go on for 15 years. She'd have only "forgotten" her bank card at most twice before I'd have told her - eg. on a night out on holiday, where's your bank card because I can't afford to pay for your meal out if you forget it again. And then not pay for her fucking meal.
The takeaway thing - she got her phone out as if to pay and then put it down. I wouldn't have put up with that either - I'd have just asked her again to transfer the money and then waited until she had down. And if she'd come up with some excuse or the transfer didn't actually happen I would never have ordered takeaway for her again.
The shop thing - what happened at the checkout? Did she just stand back and wait for you to pay? I'd have been the one standing back as she had form for it - after all, she chose the stuff and then if she'd said she didn't have the money, I'd have said, oh dear, we'll have to put most of it back then because I can't afford to pay for all of this on my own.

There have been so many opportunities where you could have put a stop to this.
I'd want to phase her out to be honest, but if you really want to stay friends with her, call her out every single time. Ask her if she has her bank card or cash with her before you go out. Don't buy food for her on a trip away - refusing to buy food because it's too expensive and letting someone else pay?? What a fucking cheek! She either finds something she can afford or she goes hungry. Sorry, but that's the way it is. It doesn't sound like she's actually starving - she just wants to live the high life but someone else gets to pay for it.

Morphmorph · 25/06/2023 12:47

Just say I've got money until you give me back the £20 you owe me for takeaway and snacks

readbooksdrinktea · 25/06/2023 12:47

Butchyrestingface · 25/06/2023 11:20

You're a mug and she knows it. Given that there's a 15 year precedent of muggery on your part having been well established, I don't see how you can attempt to right the ship's course at this stage AND preserve the friendship.

So you need to decide which you value more. Her friendship OR your right not to be used as 19th century style benefactor.

Plain and simple. Can't believe you've let her sponge off you for well over a decade. That's madness.

Denise82 · 25/06/2023 12:48

Bubbles111 · 25/06/2023 11:54

We have slipped out of touch a few times. And not spoken for years and we have always got back in touch. But now i want firm boundaries and i dont know how to establish.

It's simple really, if your in a situation where payment is needed you simply tell her to pay half or go without. In the shop you could have said you get these and I'll get the takeaway, literally just say that as you walk in the shop.
It's quite easy to just tell someone something. And if you can't tell her then stop going into shops or having her over, tell her you don't want a takeaway etc

Leftbutcameback · 25/06/2023 12:48

Bubbles111 · 25/06/2023 11:54

We have slipped out of touch a few times. And not spoken for years and we have always got back in touch. But now i want firm boundaries and i dont know how to establish.

Unfortunately I wouldn’t expect her to change, after 15 years of behaving like that. I do think you need to be really clear and really honest when you tell her that there is a problem including using examples. Expect her to be defensive and upset.

Whattodo112222 · 25/06/2023 12:50

Op sorry . 15 years and you've essentially said nothing. I think you're just as much as wrong as her. You've essentially enabled her.

LaurieFairyCake · 25/06/2023 12:51

Well you start by texting:

"You forgot to pay me for the other night, it's £30 - here are my bank details.

I'd hate to let money get in the way of our friendship so please pay today as it would be awkward to ask again"

OneLittleFinger · 25/06/2023 12:51

"Put the £15 you owe me from last week in as my contribution towards the party."

HedgehogB · 25/06/2023 12:52

Jazzappledelish · 25/06/2023 11:30

But you’re silently seething rather than addressing the issue with her

lovely, just lovely

Show quote history

Sounds like you are the ‘friend’ Jazzappledelish! Nobody normal thinks this way

Scousefab · 25/06/2023 12:53

I had a friend like this and I said a massive good bye! She got hacked off when we didn’t invite her on holiday - erm yep cos she wouldn’t have paid lol if people can’t afford things they should be up front and honest at that point. True friends wouldn’t keep taking like that.

mouldyfalafel · 25/06/2023 12:54

dickheed · 25/06/2023 12:47

YANBU. She is a CF.
But YABU for letting this go on for 15 years. She'd have only "forgotten" her bank card at most twice before I'd have told her - eg. on a night out on holiday, where's your bank card because I can't afford to pay for your meal out if you forget it again. And then not pay for her fucking meal.
The takeaway thing - she got her phone out as if to pay and then put it down. I wouldn't have put up with that either - I'd have just asked her again to transfer the money and then waited until she had down. And if she'd come up with some excuse or the transfer didn't actually happen I would never have ordered takeaway for her again.
The shop thing - what happened at the checkout? Did she just stand back and wait for you to pay? I'd have been the one standing back as she had form for it - after all, she chose the stuff and then if she'd said she didn't have the money, I'd have said, oh dear, we'll have to put most of it back then because I can't afford to pay for all of this on my own.

There have been so many opportunities where you could have put a stop to this.
I'd want to phase her out to be honest, but if you really want to stay friends with her, call her out every single time. Ask her if she has her bank card or cash with her before you go out. Don't buy food for her on a trip away - refusing to buy food because it's too expensive and letting someone else pay?? What a fucking cheek! She either finds something she can afford or she goes hungry. Sorry, but that's the way it is. It doesn't sound like she's actually starving - she just wants to live the high life but someone else gets to pay for it.

This is what I would have done too. She isnt paying at the shop?- then her items go back on the shelf. She hasnt transferred the money?- then I'd ask her again and I'd keep asking until she did it. If she still didnt then no more takeaways would be ordered. I certainly wouldnt be going on trips with her knowing that I'd be paying for everything whilst she engaged in some oscar worthy performance that her card went missing or wasnt working for the 500th time. She knows exactly what she is doing and you are being taken for an utter fool here.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 25/06/2023 12:55

You and your friends have let this slide and enabled her.

If it were me after a while I’d have brought up paying to her and I’d even say rudely or joking I’m not your cashpoint/ATM.

I had an ex friend like this earned more than me but would quibble about £5 for taxi from me or me paying it back when going to parties at my friends houses etc. She was tight for herself too eg buying cheap cars and then driving them into the ground and replacing. She wasn’t always mean though which does confuse you. Finally she met and married a man who inherited his parents house so they’re comfortably off but he’s not been well at all, seriously almost terminally sick.

Me and friends always equal re money, paying etc.

An old friend (now not friend) when she was saving for property deposit was meaner (we had no idea) and I wish if some friends do that they explain because it put me in an awkward position with another friend of friend when we were out who assumed this friend was mean (eg re splitting bills).

liverpoolgal82 · 25/06/2023 12:58

drpet49 · 25/06/2023 11:32

@Bubbles111 why do you keep calling her a friend? She isn’t your friend at all. She is a user. Wake up.

Show quote history

She means the pregnant friend (she won’t let the pregnant friend go without in celebrating the baby shower) not the right “friend”.

InSpainTheRain · 25/06/2023 12:58

I had a friend like this - certainly not min wage, and unbelievably mean and never paid her share. We don't meet any more. You either need to accept you will pay and stop moaning about it.- or sack her off

Weal · 25/06/2023 12:59

Bubbles111 · 25/06/2023 11:54

We have slipped out of touch a few times. And not spoken for years and we have always got back in touch. But now i want firm boundaries and i dont know how to establish.

You need to just stop paying for things. Sorry if that seems obvious, but just start next time you see her. If you order a take away…”my just eat isn’t working so we’ll have to walk and pick it up. My account is low at the moment so we’ll need to pay separately as I only have enough for mine”.

Or just bluntly say “I paid the last 2 times and you have forgotten to transfer the money, so maybe you can buy it this time”.

if I were you I’d avoid doing things that cost money with her. Eg have her over but make dinner instead of order take away. Ask her to bring desert and say you’ll make the main. Etc

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