Friend who never pays

[Bubbles111]

Hello

I have a friend who ive known for 15 years. She has always been funny with me and has always had issues with her bank card for as long as i have known her (i.e. i cant use my card, can you buy with your card and i will transfer etc).

Anyway, she has always been in v.low paying jobs (well min wage) and had a baby unexpectedely (which obv hit finances, she has a parter, though) and with rising bills, she said they have been skint for months.

But as i said she has always been funny with money. She never pays for stuffor says she will give you money back and never does. Ive had enough. I earn 15k more than her but why should i subsidise her when she has never done that with me.

She came over to mine last night for a girls night and told me how skint she was. She kept hinting at me picking her up beforehand to save her payibg for a taxi (but i just ignored as shes 20miles away). She met me at my local shop and happily let me pay for snacks, drinks for us, all of whch she picked out. She said she would give me half - never did. She then kept saying she couldnt wait to order food (we agreed a takeaway) she then ordered £20 worth of food from my account (just eat) and said she would give me the money. She picked up her phone as if she was going to transfer but then put it back down.

We went on a short break months ago and she kept forgettibg to take her bank card on nights out or refusubg to buy food as it was too pricy but happily letting us buy drinks and food (for her!) On the alusion she woild pay back.it got to the point that I started eating less and drinking less because i didnt want to pay for her anymore.

Anyway she told our friend that we (4 friends) would arrange her baby shower. Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does. Becuaee she keeps sending us ideas and asking us to all pay. I have no bother payinf for things but i am refusing because my friend is dictating all ideas and has yet to pay for 1 thing.

I am meeting her through thr week. How would you handle this?

X

How have you tolerated this using behaviour all this time? You’re a mug, she knows that. Stop going on about her here and deal with it in real life. How do so many Mumsnetters have such dysfunctional’friendships?

Stop suggesting social things. My friend dithers when paying. Its not nice. I find these people put you off meeting them.. op dont pay for her going forward

15 years? User is ingrained into her personality and I doubt if it would make any difference if you told her to pay up now
Ignore the baby shower completely. She has the hide of a rhino
I'm glad your other friends are on the same page

When she put her phone down after not paying you, did you not say anything? Why not? Why have you never just said no when she's asked for stuff?! Is it really too hard to say "You haven't paid me back from last time yet, so you'll have to get your own this time"?!

Oh and to start establishing boundaries, the best way to do this is to follow up as quickly as possible if she doesn't pay, asking her to transfer the money for X event or Y items.
If you start now, it will get easier

Also most people have encountered someone like this. I have a friend who is lovely, but very slow and somewhat cavalier about paying you back for big expense items like flights. As she is otherwise lovely, I simply refuse to put myself in the position where I have any financial responsibility for her, so for trips we book own flights and separate hotel rooms now.

Another friend pays her way but moans about the cost of everything, so again separate rooms, only eat at cheap restaurants to avoid any issues.

What I wouldn't do is continue to let someone mooch and scam me for 15 years.

It's a shame it's come to a head at this moment, which should be a joyful one. Re her additional suggestions, cost them up and say, 'that's fine, it will be XX. Please can you do a bank transfer by Wednesday, otherwise we'll just go with what we have.' But if you've been passively funding her life up til now it's very poor timing to suddenly decide she has to pay for herself.

I want to know why she’s never called out on this. That would drive me nuts. Ask her why she never ever pays for anything.

Nobody needs a baby shower if they are on a low income. Why did you suggest it?
Your friend shouldn't be throwing a party; she will need all her money for the baby.

If you don't want to pay for things when you socialise with her, then don't. Just have her over for a coffee and biscuits at your place.

Solved!

You need to message her and say simply ‘ just noticed you haven’t sent the money for your food, please sent £__, you always do this’

get the baby shower out the way and then cut contact

15 years! For goodness sake, grow a backbone and get her told!

I couldn’t be friends with someone like you who prefers to gossip and moan about another so called friend behind her back, but does feck all about solving the actual problem.

You’re really just as bad as she is with your passive aggressive stance and sitting waiting for her to make a move.

Why can’t you at least be honest with her and tell her you’re fed up with her taking the piss?

Good lord.

“I won’t let my friend go without”

Why not?
Are you her Mummy?

How would you handle this?

Long ago. I would have stopped gicing in, paying for her,"lending" money that's never returned.

You can control your own behaviour. Why don't you?

I've voted YANBU but actually you have been extremely unreasonable in allowing this to go on for literally years!

Just tell her the gravy train stops here. The cost of living crisis is affecting everyone and you can no longer afford to buy things for her. She'll probably push back because she's a whacking great CF but do yourself a favour and stand firm.

The number of people who are total door mats just astounds me.

I have a friend like this, known her since childhood. She's always been exactly as you describe her friend. I rarely see her now, but if we do, I make sure she can never put me in a situation where I have to pay, and I have banned my DH from ever offering to pay for her.

I have no idea why people put up with this for so long, moan and then do nothing!

She’s not a friend, she’s a user and you let her abuse your good nature by paying for everything and letting her get away with it. I expect as soon as you stand up for yourself that the friendship will be over and she will be into the next mug. You have nothing to lose and will have extra money in your pocket!

Go out with her. Tell her you had your bank card stolen and if she pays for you both then you’ll pay her back. Then don’t.

she can’t say anything and if she does you can remind her of all the times she’s done it. Simple.

100% your fault. Stop being a total mug.

I would be very direct with her indeed. You need to pay for things. And don't subsidise her again.

"Hi, it seems that there is a bit of an issue arising with the baby shower and your ideas for the party. Just to be clear, I am happy to contribute but I won't be able to follow the themes/ideas you have been sending as they are expensive. If you really want these then it's best if you order/arrange them yourself. The cost of living crisis is hitting all of us hard now so it's best if everyone pays their own way from now on, whatever the occasion".

Rinse and repeat.

If she makes suggestions as to how you could go about extending your contribution or pulls the old sob story/tears trick then the old Mumsnet classic reply is your friend, here - "That doesn't work for me, sorry".

End. OF!!

Put that foot down now, OP. It will feel a bit shaky at first but I bet you'll feel so much better for asserting yourself!

I just don’t understand the dilemma. Last night when she picked up her phone and said she’d pay you and then put it down, YOU PICK UP YOUR PHONE, pull a bemused face and say ‘did you transfer that money? I can’t see it? And continue to do this every time she owes you. Next time you meet, say ‘I’m really skint this month, can I grab that twenty quid you owe me from the other night? If you don’t actually speak words, you will never get money back.

With regards to the baby shower, say ‘I’m happy to use the baby shower bits I’ve got but don’t have the money to get these other things? You happy with what I’ve got, or do you want to get them?

How can people forget “card” with Apple Pay/Google Pay? There’s also bank transfer. I rarely use my card, just Apple Pay everything.