Friend who never pays

[Bubbles111]

Hello

I have a friend who ive known for 15 years. She has always been funny with me and has always had issues with her bank card for as long as i have known her (i.e. i cant use my card, can you buy with your card and i will transfer etc).

Anyway, she has always been in v.low paying jobs (well min wage) and had a baby unexpectedely (which obv hit finances, she has a parter, though) and with rising bills, she said they have been skint for months.

But as i said she has always been funny with money. She never pays for stuffor says she will give you money back and never does. Ive had enough. I earn 15k more than her but why should i subsidise her when she has never done that with me.

She came over to mine last night for a girls night and told me how skint she was. She kept hinting at me picking her up beforehand to save her payibg for a taxi (but i just ignored as shes 20miles away). She met me at my local shop and happily let me pay for snacks, drinks for us, all of whch she picked out. She said she would give me half - never did. She then kept saying she couldnt wait to order food (we agreed a takeaway) she then ordered £20 worth of food from my account (just eat) and said she would give me the money. She picked up her phone as if she was going to transfer but then put it back down.

We went on a short break months ago and she kept forgettibg to take her bank card on nights out or refusubg to buy food as it was too pricy but happily letting us buy drinks and food (for her!) On the alusion she woild pay back.it got to the point that I started eating less and drinking less because i didnt want to pay for her anymore.

Anyway she told our friend that we (4 friends) would arrange her baby shower. Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does. Becuaee she keeps sending us ideas and asking us to all pay. I have no bother payinf for things but i am refusing because my friend is dictating all ideas and has yet to pay for 1 thing.

I am meeting her through thr week. How would you handle this?

X

Perfect response. To the point but not starting an argument

She's skint and can't afford to pay for the stuff you guys do together, but is too embarrassed to say or stop.

You keep paying for stuff, but secretly resenting it.

You're both idiots and I'm glad all my friends have the balls and manners to be open and honest about stuff.

A bit shit to do this when she is excited for a baby shower. Are you just going to let her turn up and there be nothing? (Fwiw I hate baby showers & would never go to one)
You need to say now that if there’s something she wants there, she needs to order it, not just let her turn up and be crushed at what is an exciting occasion for her.

So you’re happy to come back on here telling us this but you can’t or won’t say the same to her?

You’ve let her mug you off for 15 years without a word being said and you’d rather moan about her on here than challenge her grabby CF poncey behaviour.

Just put your debit card away next time and leave her to pay. Ask her for her share when you order food or say ‘isn’t it your turn to pay’ - this isn’t difficult stuff seriously

I would just say that you can’t afford to keep on subsidising her every time you go out and say that it’s constant. Say that it stresses you out because when you plan for your meal and drinks (or bits from a shop) and then have to double it, it’s not fair and not what friendship should be about. Just mention that you can’t do it anymore.
I expect you’ll never hear from her again!

Yeah this. At this point this is all on you. You've had 15 years of her doing this and you've not once called her on it? One definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Stop going out with her and booking stuff if she never contributes. OR, speak up and tell her she's out of order. You seething with resentment and not speaking up or changing your behaviour will achieve absolutely nothing.

CF friend is the one who is having the baby shower.

15 years of someone making a fool out of you?

Goodness me.

How you have come to believe this is how friendships work is really sad.🤷🏻‍♀️

You do realise she knows well what she is doing, that she thinks you are a complete mug, and a bit dim to boot.

You are on a small bit above minimum wage yet pay for everything?

You are ripe for exploitation by a man.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk you desperately need to develop self respect and boundaries.

No one needs friends that are users.

She remains your friend because of how easy you are to use, remember that.

I agree. Its insane to me that people just put up with this rubbish and say nothing and then wonder why its continuing. People always get so worried about "but I dont want to be rude" when their supposed "friend" has been rude AF to them and taking the piss out of them for years and years. OP- stop being a doormat about this and either speak up or drop her.

You can't. She's a CF who sees you as a meal ticket. As soon as you start saying no, she'll look for someone else.

I wont let my friend go without

Fair enough, but that's your choice and one she's taking full advantage of - and no wonder she reconnects after a period apart; she's hardly going to let an opportunity like this go

If you want to keep the so-called friendship you could just do free stuff when you're with her, and certainly shut down the "suggestions" of costly things you'll be expected to pay for
"Things are very tight this month" should do it, and if you use this often enough the problem will probably sort itself when she drifts away for good and finds herself another soft touch

I read it as CF volunteered them all to organize a different friend’s baby shower and now wants them to pay for it and not contribute to the cost of it herself

OP, do you feel able to say something or not? That's what this boils down to.

If you don't have the balls to say something, the behaviour will continue. It's up to you to change the goalposts.

So you put up with this for 15 years but decide to take a stand and muck up someone else's baby shower? Nice.

You were quite clear in your first post that nothing has been booked, nothing organised but 13 minutes later you have a venue and food and drink organised.

I've had work colleagues like this rather than friends. We have always been quite firm about having a whip or kitting to knock this stuff on the head.

MIL and FIL never put their hand in their pockets and plead poverty and people believed them. When FIL died DH found £1m in his bank. DH and his sisters remember being hungry. FIL wasn't financially abusive, they were as bad as each other.

SIL2 is like it too. DH just transfers her money. It annoys me.

You need to say now that if there’s something she wants there, she needs to order it

Unfortunately that won't work with someone who's been allowed this much previous; as before it'll be "Can you order it and I'll transfer the money", which will never happen

Much better to avoid the whole thing by refusing to organise the baby shower at all. It's almost certainly just being seen as a chance to get more free stuff, and as said, once the refusals start the "friend" will most likely disappear anyway

You need a conversation along the lines of
Are you not embarrassed that you’re mugging food, drinks etc from people and never putting your hand in your pocket?
If you can’t afford a night out please be honest and tell me.
I am not your atm machine.

This is exactly what you send. You also say that she can Revolut you the money for the take away/snacks/whatever (that way you'll get the money instantly).

@UndercoverCop has written a perfectly acceptable and non-inflamatory message. Please send it.

Oh I see what you mean. That's not how I read it but I guess it could be interpreted that way.

Well if my interpretation is correct, the OP should say:

"Sorry CF, we can't afford all this stuff you want because we're still out of pocket for all the takeaways and drinks you haven't paid us back for over the years. You asked us to organise your baby shower and that's what we're doing, but we're going to use these decorations and games we already have at home because that's all we can afford to spend at the moment."

And if your interpretation is correct, the OP should say:

"Hey CF, if you want these specific things then it's time for you to put your hand in your pocket and buy them. By the way you owe me £20 for X and Sarah £10 for Y, when can we expect to receive your contribution?"

Why dont you just invite her round for a coffee or go put a walk? If she says 'let's go out for a drink' then that's your opportunity to say 'well you usually say you'll pay me back and don't and I can't afford to sub you any more, you still owe me for x last times'

The friend who is having the baby shower? Is this the friend who you pay for or is this another friend in your group who the freeloader offered 4 friends services to?

If this is a seperate friend, I feel quite sad for them that her friends have not booked or organised the baby shower with less than a week to go because another friend is not helping with costs.
If the baby shower was a problem for the 4 friends, you should have really discussed this with the mum to be and explained you can't pay for the event.

I have experienced something similar with a friend and the next time I asked her if she had ideas of what we could do or I could go to her house instead so she didn't have to pay for a taxi knowing she is short on money. 20mile taxi for someone who has clearly told you she is struggling for money would have been expensive. I think from her suggesting you pick her up so she doesn't have to pay the taxi would have indicated that food and drink and a take away on top would be outside her budget. If you want to spend time with her and actually value her friendship you can talk to her gently about this. Maybe she can then suggest venues within her budget or close by so travel isn't as expensive.
I feel your comment that your fed up and why should you do it for her when she doesn't do it for you is quite insensitive. You already stated that she is working a low paid job and you earn 15k more. If she had more indispensable money she might well do this for you but it doesn't sound like it's possible for her.
She has expressed how skint she is already but she doesn't seem like she wants to disappoint you by turning down events with you so maybe because you haven't expressed how you feel about money she might think your happy to pay.

Talk to your friend.

Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does

To be clear, there is a venue and food and drink have been organised

Oh god, not again ...

Yeah this is what I was thinking. A taxi for a £20 trip must cost a fortune. Why do you agree on getting a takeaway when you know she won't have the money? Just say you'll cook or something. And just get your own basket when getting snacks at the shop and if she expects you to pay then have cash ready and just say sorry you don't have your card and only got a fiver on you or summat like that.

She’s not your friend, that’s not how friends behave. She’s a free loader.