Friend who never pays

[Bubbles111]

Hello

I have a friend who ive known for 15 years. She has always been funny with me and has always had issues with her bank card for as long as i have known her (i.e. i cant use my card, can you buy with your card and i will transfer etc).

Anyway, she has always been in v.low paying jobs (well min wage) and had a baby unexpectedely (which obv hit finances, she has a parter, though) and with rising bills, she said they have been skint for months.

But as i said she has always been funny with money. She never pays for stuffor says she will give you money back and never does. Ive had enough. I earn 15k more than her but why should i subsidise her when she has never done that with me.

She came over to mine last night for a girls night and told me how skint she was. She kept hinting at me picking her up beforehand to save her payibg for a taxi (but i just ignored as shes 20miles away). She met me at my local shop and happily let me pay for snacks, drinks for us, all of whch she picked out. She said she would give me half - never did. She then kept saying she couldnt wait to order food (we agreed a takeaway) she then ordered £20 worth of food from my account (just eat) and said she would give me the money. She picked up her phone as if she was going to transfer but then put it back down.

We went on a short break months ago and she kept forgettibg to take her bank card on nights out or refusubg to buy food as it was too pricy but happily letting us buy drinks and food (for her!) On the alusion she woild pay back.it got to the point that I started eating less and drinking less because i didnt want to pay for her anymore.

Anyway she told our friend that we (4 friends) would arrange her baby shower. Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does. Becuaee she keeps sending us ideas and asking us to all pay. I have no bother payinf for things but i am refusing because my friend is dictating all ideas and has yet to pay for 1 thing.

I am meeting her through thr week. How would you handle this?

X

So who has paid for the venue and food and drinks already ordered?

Well, you have asked for advice and then you reply to that advice to say "I won't let my friend go without"

So what advice are you looking for?

Let her know she can have the stuff left over from other baby showers and tell her the 20 quid she owes you from the take away money can go towards anything else. It's not as if you were getting the money back.

Its bloody ridiculous that you have all subsidised her and now, when someone else is expecting a baby shower, have decided now is the time to deal with it.

Personally I would suck up a cheap baby shower at my own home so my friend's feelings aren't hurt and from then on stop putting my hand in my pocket for the other friend. Wait til your next catch up and dont pay. Repeat. The message will sink in.

How would I handle this? Very differently. I'm unsure what's prompted you all to unite on this one occasion and refuse to pay up? Is there a reserve plan so the poor mum to be isn't left in the lurch? It seems odd to refuse to chip in for a friend yet subsidise her on nights out or with takeaways.
I'd set up a separate WA group and when the suggestions come in, agree a split where you each pay for something. Unsure what sort of baby shower it is but couldn't you let her be responsible for 1 thing eg decorations, snacks etc. Check in before and when she says her cards playing up ensure she's at home so her OH can pay. Forward plenty of Amazon links too so no excuse of Oh but I can't get to the shop.
Going forward, next time she asks for something just say no, I'm still waiting on the last £20 you owe me. Also maybe get her to 'check' her card is working and suggest she brings cash 'just in case' next time you're out as she often 'has trouble eith' her card.

I voted YABU as you totally are. 15 bloody years...

You seem very confused.

Do you enjoy being a martyr? No judgement - being a martyr can give people a sense of self-worth, feelings of indispensability, etc. And that inner self-righteousness gives the complexion a lovely glow (so I've heard).

I can’t believe you have put up with this for 15 years! Why?! I wonder how some people get through the day sometimes!

If you are genuinely going to make a change, text her now and say-‘Can you transfer me the money for the takeaway please-I thought you’d done it last night but it’s not in my account’.

If you’re not going to do anything about it, I don’t really see the point in posting, tbh.

Fucking grow a fanny and call her out on it.

I'm sick of reading this same scenario over and over again on here.

No contact.

I'd pay for nothing in advance from now on. IGNORE the whole baby shower thing. If you want, explain to the others that you can't fund Anna Delvey's share.
When you meet her later in the week, it will be challenging, I think... But get your own food/drink and then have little comments ready and prepared to deflect away from her big looking ''pay for me'' eyes.

Order your prepared comments in the level of confrontation - not that it's ideal to ''confront'' so I find it useful in these situations to have a few comments prepared for each level. She pay push you up a level. She may not accept your round one bland deflection.

Eg,
Friend, hey get me a g&t at the bar will you!
You; level 1 - sorry! forgot! The decor here is beautiful isn't it!?
level 2 - oh I thought I'd misheard you. What's everybody else having!
level 3 - Anna, my budget for tonight can't carry a plus one.

You know her and you know how each level of push back will be received, so I suggest having a bland but boundaried deflecting comment prepared.

Tbf if a friend came over I'd probably buy the takeaway / snacks. A taxi must have cost her a lot but you should have spoken to her before now about all the other occasions

This is what you allow so I'm blaming you.

I really don't understand why people let thus go. Can't you just say that you are sorry but you can't keep subsidising her that that from now on all shared purchased, take aways, days out must be paid upfront by her or it won't happen. If you are too wimpy to say anything, don't complain.

The phrase when someone shows you who she is … she has shown you for 16 years !!!!

I get it though. Growing a fanny is hard when you're afraid that the confrontation will result in you looking bad. This has been my experience. Saying no to somebody results in me looking mean/defensive/awkward and then I get edged out of the group.

It's a different situation if you've had great boundaries from day 1 but trying to become more boundaried in an already established friendship group is challenging. Hence, preparing in advance. Breezy insouciant comments that throw the volley back to her side of the net.

When somebody takes a mile you have two choices, smile, or be the first one to change the dynamic from a breezy happy friendly dynamic to challenging dynamic. That is really hard. The FIRST person to ''change the vibe'' always ends up looking bad.

So for people like me (not saying the OP is like me) one needs to prepare volleying their expectation back to the other side of the net, unmet, but with a calm breezy smile. It's hard when you feel taken advantage of.

Yes this. Why have you let it go on so long?!

We have slipped out of touch a few times. And not spoken for years and we have always got back in touch. But now i want firm boundaries and i dont know how to establish.

Right, then send a text now asking for the money for the takeaway.

I can’t believe how common this is on MN. Just yesterday I was reading a thread where someone was asking for advice on how to “broach the subject” with a friend who has never bought a round but always accepts free drinks. Again, it was after “years” of putting up with it.

Why do so many let this behaviour go unquestioned for YEARS?! It would be a one strike policy for me. Forget your purse/card once? Okay. Forget it again? Goodbye.

@MuserDame has given you a masterclass in how to deal with it.

15 years is a long time to let it slide. I cant believe you never chased up, wheres your money transfer for x? If she pays the venue for a room and food directly, I'd bring all the left over bits from previous parties. However I'd stop with buying her drinks and meals. Just tell her I cannot afford to pay for you anymore, so you'll have to bring money or a bank card that works. As soon as she says, ooh I can't use my card, tell her to go to an atm. If she refuses, tell her to go home. Because you don't have enough money to pay for you both.

You need to be honest with her and say exactly this.

"Friend, I need to say something to you and I hope you won't take this the wrong way but I can't let this situation continue any longer. I am tired of picking up the bill for things you can't afford or don't want to pay for. I get that you've had an unplanned pregnancy and money is tight at the moment, but this has been going on for years. All those holidays and nights out where you've forgotten your bank card or been unable to use it for some reason, and you've said you'd pay me back and never have. That takeaway from last week where you ordered £20 worth of food on my account and said you'd transfer me the money but didn't. Now you're sending links to things you want us to buy for your baby shower, unnecessary things that you want other people to pay for. It has to stop. If you can't afford expensive holidays and nights out and takeaways then that's fine, we'll go for a walk in the park and bring a bottle of water or a Thermos with coffee in it. Come over to mine to watch a movie and we'll eat beans on toast or jacket potatoes. But you need to stop expecting other people to fund the things you want but can't or won't pay for. You need to live within your means."

You just say look I understand things are a bit tight for you financially, but with everything on the increase it is for me too. In the past I've covered things and not said anything, but I can't do it anymore. (Insert examples if she challenges this)
Last weekend you said you'd go half on takeaway but didn't transfer the money, you said you contribute to the snacks and drinks you chose but didn't.
I am happy to help organise your baby shower but I can't contribute financially anymore, other than to cover my own costs. I know you'll understand because you're on a budget too.