Friend who never pays

[Bubbles111]

Hello

I have a friend who ive known for 15 years. She has always been funny with me and has always had issues with her bank card for as long as i have known her (i.e. i cant use my card, can you buy with your card and i will transfer etc).

Anyway, she has always been in v.low paying jobs (well min wage) and had a baby unexpectedely (which obv hit finances, she has a parter, though) and with rising bills, she said they have been skint for months.

But as i said she has always been funny with money. She never pays for stuffor says she will give you money back and never does. Ive had enough. I earn 15k more than her but why should i subsidise her when she has never done that with me.

She came over to mine last night for a girls night and told me how skint she was. She kept hinting at me picking her up beforehand to save her payibg for a taxi (but i just ignored as shes 20miles away). She met me at my local shop and happily let me pay for snacks, drinks for us, all of whch she picked out. She said she would give me half - never did. She then kept saying she couldnt wait to order food (we agreed a takeaway) she then ordered £20 worth of food from my account (just eat) and said she would give me the money. She picked up her phone as if she was going to transfer but then put it back down.

We went on a short break months ago and she kept forgettibg to take her bank card on nights out or refusubg to buy food as it was too pricy but happily letting us buy drinks and food (for her!) On the alusion she woild pay back.it got to the point that I started eating less and drinking less because i didnt want to pay for her anymore.

Anyway she told our friend that we (4 friends) would arrange her baby shower. Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does. Becuaee she keeps sending us ideas and asking us to all pay. I have no bother payinf for things but i am refusing because my friend is dictating all ideas and has yet to pay for 1 thing.

I am meeting her through thr week. How would you handle this?

X

I think OP might not be back.

Have these get-togethers without inviting her.

She’s using you to fund the things she wants. The time is long, long overdue for you to be blunt and call her out:
“I’m not getting another round. It’s your turn.” “I’ll get my own snacks now and you can get anything else you want separately: this is starting to cost too much.”
“I can’t afford to buy your ticket and mine so let’s sort ourselves out.”
“I’ll buy it once you’ve transferred the money.”
“Could you make the payment now?”
“You still owe me £18. Could you transfer that today? Thanks.”

Sitting quietly and being too embarrassed to ask / chase is doing you no favours at all. Asking for money owed is far less embarrassing than being the CF who has a reputation for happily ‘borrowing’ money from her friends with no intention of paying them back.

15 years of this because you have let it slide time and time again.

She's a CF, but you are enabling this. Don't play these passive aggressive mind games with her, as she's not going to get the hint.

Tell her what you've posted, have a conversation about how you are not willing to keep paying for her and not getting paid back for it. If she tries to tell you that she will next time, just let her know that there won't be a next time.

How much does she owe you now? Tell her it's a parting gift, and do not lend her money ever again. You can be supportive but not responsible for her financial problems.

I’m sorry OP but you know what she’s like and then at the end say “I’m meeting her through the week”
You’re letting her mug you off
She’s massively taking advantage of you
This is coming from someone who had a friend like this. The last time this happened I stayed at her house and we went out for the night, she borrowed £80 from me due to saying she didn’t have her card on her. I was worried she wouldn’t pay me back as she never did. Well, guess what she didn’t pay me back. 3 weeks of asking later for a reply that said “well you stayed at mine so just pretend you used that £80 for a hotel”
I stopped being her friend from that moment

Stop going out with her. If she comes over, make beans on toast.

She's a sponger.

You needed this phrase years ago:

"Oh no, sorry, I've no spare money this week I can't pay for you. But if you can ring your bank/use the app to transfer, i can help you if the money is in my account first."

Some of these suggestions 🙄

why not just behave like a grown assed adult, and say (14.9 years ago preferably), “we need to have a chat about how we handle money on our friendship, as I am become increasingly aware that I am subbing you a great deal but you’re not paying me back - and I don’t want it to become a “thing” between us as I value our friendship”

Ohhh! Thank you! I thought OP was saying that the CF had put OP & friends in the frame to do a baby shower for the mutual friend then hadn't paid anything.

CF is now even more of a CF!!

Wow! A friend of mine has borrowed some money off me ( not a huge sum but a lot for me) and I'm worried I won't see it again. I am disabled and work part-time, dp does not work and we have a dc still at school. She is single and works full-time.

I think its all been said before but this is a time for a frank discussion, not playing games. I sympathise OP as I find friendship confrontations to be the most difficult thing of all but you simply have to. Think of all the energy you have wasted over the years being annoyed over this.

Sorry OP, I think you are being unreasonable.

If I was invited to someone's house for a girls night in, I would expect them to provide drinks and snacks. More so if I'd already shelled out on the cab (I would probably take a bottle with me though so as to not turn up empty handed, but wouldn't be offended if someone came to my house without one).

If you went on a short break and she said the drinks were too pricey, then how was she alluding to paying you back afterwards? I think there is obviously a miscommunication. If I told a friend I couldn't afford a drink and they bought me one anyway, I would see it as a gift, not a debt.

If you've got stuff from previous baby showers, then why is there even an issue about having to buy more?

Shes not a friend at all she is a sponge I have come across them over the years but she sounds like a right piece of work. As for you meeting up with her this week conveniently forget your purse/card also in conversation say to her how are you getting on with the baby shower purchases have you got everything you need. I think it’s time to cut her off she’s definitely not a friend she’s just using you.

In OP's defence, the time I did tackle my monumentally tight-fisted best friend about her behaviour, she went absolutely berserk and shouted and screamed at me and we didn't speak for several years. So I can absolutely understand how intimidating it can be to deal with someone like this. Entitled people are generally masters at turning the tables and making you look bad for hurting their feelings/not appreciating how difficult things are for them/blah blah blah. So now on the rare occasions when I see her, I play her at her own game and never agree to go anywhere that involves anyone paying for things.

Yes, whenever I challenge somebody like this I am met with DARVO
I think knowing I'd be met with DARVO makes me hesitate to raise issues.

Rightly or wrongly these types won't permit me to have a boundary. They may well bow to that boundary from other people though.

They can detect that I would lose a conflict, even if that's losing through them making me look bad while they are perceived to have been attacked by me.

Yes. users don't like it when the gravy train goes on strike. Tears and tantrums are to be expected. Personally I would rather cut people out of my life who are like that, than put up with being taken the absolute piss out of for 15+ years, and I strongly encourage all of those who struggle with this to hoik your self esteem up several notches and give less of a damn about upsetting people who aren't being very nice to you in the first place.

Go out without her? If she's tagged along, go straight to the bar and get your drink before saying hi. If her card doesn't work say, "oh no, call up your bank and get it sorted. Or get your boyfriend to drop off some cash?" If she still fumbles and doesn't buy anything, I'd buy her a coke and chips. But definitely not an alcoholic drink with proper meal.