Friend who never pays

[Bubbles111]

Hello

I have a friend who ive known for 15 years. She has always been funny with me and has always had issues with her bank card for as long as i have known her (i.e. i cant use my card, can you buy with your card and i will transfer etc).

Anyway, she has always been in v.low paying jobs (well min wage) and had a baby unexpectedely (which obv hit finances, she has a parter, though) and with rising bills, she said they have been skint for months.

But as i said she has always been funny with money. She never pays for stuffor says she will give you money back and never does. Ive had enough. I earn 15k more than her but why should i subsidise her when she has never done that with me.

She came over to mine last night for a girls night and told me how skint she was. She kept hinting at me picking her up beforehand to save her payibg for a taxi (but i just ignored as shes 20miles away). She met me at my local shop and happily let me pay for snacks, drinks for us, all of whch she picked out. She said she would give me half - never did. She then kept saying she couldnt wait to order food (we agreed a takeaway) she then ordered £20 worth of food from my account (just eat) and said she would give me the money. She picked up her phone as if she was going to transfer but then put it back down.

We went on a short break months ago and she kept forgettibg to take her bank card on nights out or refusubg to buy food as it was too pricy but happily letting us buy drinks and food (for her!) On the alusion she woild pay back.it got to the point that I started eating less and drinking less because i didnt want to pay for her anymore.

Anyway she told our friend that we (4 friends) would arrange her baby shower. Its 1 week to go and nothing has been booked or organised becuse we are all refusing to buy anything until my friend does. Becuaee she keeps sending us ideas and asking us to all pay. I have no bother payinf for things but i am refusing because my friend is dictating all ideas and has yet to pay for 1 thing.

I am meeting her through thr week. How would you handle this?

X

• tight

Aaah so you have a baby to support now as well as the so called friend. This could happen once or maybe even twice, but FIFTEEN YEARS!

I have a friend who is a little bit like this - but she's such good fun and kind in other ways that it's just something I roll with. All my other mates are really generous/equal with their cash when we're out so I kinda consider having one CF in your life is tolerable (if they bring other things to the friendship)!

Just so you know, the only issue her card has ever had is that it's owned by a CF.

Text her today: "Hey friend, I need you to transfer me the money for the takeway and snacks today, it's £XX, thanks see you soon," and next time you see her don't pay for anything of hers - if it gets awkward, that's down to her, not you. "No, I can't afford to subsidise you," and if she says she will transfer you the money "Okay, but it'll need to be in my account before I pay for it."

We're in a cost of living crisis. Be up front, tell her you're on a tight budget, for one person, you!

Let her know how much any night out is going to cost upfront so she can pull out if she doesn't have the money. Tell her you no longer have any spare money to "lend".

Money is tight for everyone, now is the perfect time to have the conversation without it becoming too awkward.

You CAN call her out on her tightness (and lose her friendship) or instead blame your sudden insistence on her paying her share on the current financial crisis. Up to you.

How old are you? You all sound about 13!

Yes, forgetting your card is just not something normal people do regularly.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've forgotten my wallet. I think on those occasions I just managed without spending any money, or maybe borrowed a note from someone which I paid back ASAP.

Even my friend who as renowned for being a bit of a CF when we were at university, when she got stranded somewhere and needed a train fare to get home in an emergency and asked me to help her, she paid me back immediately.

If they pay you back immediately you know it was genuine. If they don't, you know they were just trying it on.

I agree with others, just ask for your money and start being a lot more upfront . Whatsapp her your bank details " Friend don't forget the £20 you owe me for the takeaway last night." She may well suss that the game is up and will either start paying her share to retain your friendship or back off totally.

I'd take the snacks and takeaway on the chin as you were hosting and she had the cost of a cab (which you're not contributing to obviously).

Host provides booze, snacks and dinner as a rule. You wouldn't ask for half the cost of a meal you'd cooked yourself.

If you'd gone out to eat instead, then obviously the bill is split.

@ExFacebookFriend I love that! I will be using your phrase extensively from now on.

@Bubbles111 the not talking for a few years.
Was that CF stopped talking to you when she had a better offer
And then talks to you when she's on the mooch.

Plus is the CF the pregnant one .

Well, you either keep on putting up with it or you call her out on it - it really is that simple.

I'm not surprised she keeps doing it as you have let her get away with it for so long. No one minds covering for a friend who is much more hard up than the others, but if they just take it for granted that is not healthy.

I wouldn't even meet up this week. Cancel say you cannot afford it!

Nah, a takeaway you split. How cheeky to think if you go to a mates for a takeaway they should pay for you. 🫣

op. If you wish to ascertain boundaries, text her and say hey quick reminder. Can you transfer the money for dinner last night, it’s 2o quid. Cheers.

then keep reminding her. And do it every time.

She must owe you thousands by now...!

‘Jeez Louise, money is too tight to mention. I don’t have the funds to pay all up front these days. You go ahead with the booking, text me what I owe you & I’ll xfer to you asap.’

‘Oh, I haven’t saved your bank details from when you xferred to me before. Pls make sure you let me know details as I want to send soonest so that you are not out of pocket’

If you have to taxi 20 miles to a friends house for a night in, then I think its only fair they get the food and drink, you are the host after all. You could have cooked and bought wine if you preferred a cheaper night.
But obvs the other stuff and forgetting wallet isn't on. And for the baby shower if venue etc has been sorted and its just decorations which you already have, then just do that.

I agree she's a user but just once I'd love to hear the story from the CF's point of view. I have a friend who does this. There were times I was much better off financially than her so I really didn't mind as she was a hard working single mum but she didn't change even when she had plenty of money. Do they not feel anything when they're taking the piss?

Nah, a takeaway you split. How cheeky to think if you go to a mates for a takeaway they should pay for you

I agree- I'd always offer to go halves if someone ordered me a takeaway, I'd never just assume they were paying. Also, the fact is, she isnt paying for takeaways when OP is at her house so it isnt the case of "the host always pays"- because she isnt reciprocating!!

I use to be the one that would pay for things with friends, like their train/tax/bus fare, club entry, drinks, takeaways etc... but it was fair as they use to let me stay with them, feed me home cooked meals, they where beauticians and would do pamper nights for free and basically would share anything they had etc... so it never felt 'user' relationship just like we brought different things to the friendship.

I had one friend when young (like 11-14) who did that though OP. I was constantly lending her tiny amounts (we are talking 40p for sweets, 90p for a bottle of pop, £2 for a sandwhich, £1.20 for bus etc... multiple times a day EVERY day) and it must have added up over a couple of hundred over years (small amounts individually but over time a lot for kids). She never once paid for stuff or tried to pay anything back.

My mam treat her like a daughter too always taking her places and paying which her parent accepted. Her family never invited me anywhere, didn't even invite me in to their house/garden for their BBQ's (I have seen inside quickly in the past. It was a perfectly normal house and nice garden with swing set etc... so they hands out accepted us paying for their kid but didn't seem to like us or see us as equals).

She also stole from me several times and never apologized or acted remorseful when caught red handed.

I do wonder how people like that are so brazen.

This is actually perfect.

Say this to her, it is quite clear and reasonable. If she takes offence you will know she's been using you and can have a clear conscience.

Time to speak to your mutual friends about what a CF she is and to agree that you will all stop bank rolling her.

Well done for not doing a thing for her baby shower, get everyone else on board as well.

Honestly I’d just dump the CF for good.

BrutusMcDogface · Today 11:21
You’ve put up with this fir way too long. I think you should message her re: the baby shower and say “all sounds great. Please book/ order bits and let us know how much we owe you.”

Great advice. Try and make it always 'you pay and let ME know how much I owe you'.

It's difficult when friends have different incomes etc, but in the end - you can't have things you can't afford, and she needs to own this and work out how best to navigate her social life.

“I won’t let my friend go without”
But she is not going without is she she has been going out enjoying herself drinking and eating and being subsidized by other people for the last 15 years.
If she is expecting you and your other friends to be subsidizing her baby shower and none of you are willing to do so you really need to have the talk with her beforehand.

To be clearer, you should be telling her not us.