To be irritated at everyone wanting to bring their dogs to our BBQ?

[Yellowandgreendots]

We have about 20 people (from 5 different families) coming over for a BBQ today 3-7/8pm (or whenever they want to leave!)

We are lucky in that we do have a big garden but we all have babies/ young children and we have 2 dogs of our own (that we’ll likely keep inside as it’s going to be 29 here today so too hot for them)

We have some shade in the garden, but that will pretty much be taken up by everyone plus all of our children and babies (going to put paddling pools and play mags down for the babies)

3 of the families have now asked to bring their dogs. DH just wants to say no, I feel like an arsehole saying no but equally, I really can’t be arsed with other people’s dogs crapping and weeing all over the lawn (we don’t let our 2 toilet on the lawn, they have a patch of grass and patio down the side of the house that they use) none of these dogs are well trained and I just know they’ll end up charging about, crashing into everything and everyone and I don’t want to have to worry about the babies on the playmats etc either.

TBH I’m a bit bewildered why people want to bring them? It’s going to be nearly 30 degrees, there’s not that much shade, they’re all only going to be here for 4/5 hours and all only live 5/10 mins away if they really felt like they had to go back to let the dogs out or what ever.

DH said they only want to bring them because we have a big garden and they think their dogs will probably have a ‘whale of a time’ charging about it, but I said surely they wouldn’t let their dogs do that in this heat anyway?

AIBU that it seems to be the case more and more nowadays that people can’t go anywhere without bringing their bloody dogs.

@LuckySantangelo35 I've never once said I would expect to bring my dog 😂

Stop projecting 🙄

@cinnamonfrenchtoast

im not talking about you in particular! But it seems plenty of people would. Especially the ‘dogs are better than people’ crew

Fair enough @LuckySantangelo35

I just get annoyed when people like the OP who've never had to deal with separation anxiety spout shit about not treating them like children or babies.

Surely the difference between how people treat their dogs now via the 80's/90's is know better, do better?

We know a lot more now about mental stimulation etc.

It's no bad thing that dogs get treated (by most) a lot better than they used to.

However, part of that should be giving the the training and tools to happily be left alone for a few hours, so I'm not arguing that.

It's not always that simple though I guess. Some dogs just have quirks/issues regardless of the huge amount of effort owners put in.

@cinnamonfrenchtoast

i don’t think they should be treated like children or babies - because they’re not.

No, they're not children or babies. They're animals who have been domesticated over millennia to bond with humans and they feel emotions just as we do.

@LuckySantangelo35 I think we're talking at cross purposes.

What I'm saying is that every time separation anxiety is mentioned, people always assume it's because the owners are treating the dogs like babies (as shown in OP's comments).

I'm sure some dogs are treated like babies and that's why they're anxious, but it pisses me off when people assume that's always the case - especially when they have absolutely no experience of anxious dogs themselves.

3/20 is not everyone and they all seemed to take the 'No' with good grace. Seems sensible to say No, tbh. Kids, food, crowds are all a bit of a nightmare for also including several dogs safely.

But everyone's far too willing to label someone as both a 'friend' and a 'cheeky fucker' on mn. If they are good friends, it's not cheeky to ask. If they are CF then get better friends.

I don’t remember dogs all having this huge separation anxiety in the 80’s/90’s when I was growing up.

That's because those that did, very often found themselves without a home (or, worse, PTS for it). It becomes a self selecting group then. I remember a friend at school being very upset one day because her dog had to go back to 'the pound' for chewing up a carpet in the home. Her parents just sent the dog back and got a different one who didn't chew the carpet.

Exactly @StGuffersOfTheVillage - my cousins had a dog who was destructive when left so it was just tied up outside all day with a tiny kennel for shelter.

Luckily we know better now.

Personally I think the balance has tipped far too much the other way. Yes it’s great that welfare standards have improved, but too many people own dogs now and the breeding of so many dogs has been purely for aesthetics rather than obedience/ character traits which means many dogs now are reactive, anxious messes with novice owners who have no idea (or inclination) to train their dogs. It’s all an absolute shitshow with dog attacks rising and dog shelters filling up.

Anyway, this has gone way off topic now.

Speak for yourself!
I am personally way above the emotional level of a dog!
Yes they form bond with humans but that doesn't mean that they are comparable with humans.

@Pearlsaminga acknowledging that dogs have emotions too doesn't mean they're being compared with people

If we are so much better now, than in the 80s, why are dog attacks at an all time high? We need to stop blaming lockdown… we need to stop people treating dogs like human babies, and start treating them like an animal, that needs rules and training.

Times have changed, lots of dogs have massive separation anxiety and there are also many more children with mental health /Autism diagnoses as well-

What is happening to society?

The ''Pet industry'' is colossal these days, with birthday cakes for dogs, clothes for dogs {I'm not talking like waterproof jackets to keep the rain off fine coated dogs like Whippets } but actual ''clothes'' that people dress dogs up in, so they look 'Cute' like actual children.

There are too many people who really shouldn't have dogs in my opinion- they don't bother training them and get dogs that are totally unsuited to their lifestyles...and don't bag the poo either.

The ''Pet industry'' is colossal these days, with birthday cakes for dogs, clothes for dogs {I'm not talking like waterproof jackets to keep the rain off fine coated dogs like Whippets } but actual ''clothes'' that people dress dogs up in, so they look 'Cute' like actual children
They are the ones to blame they know that people spend more money on pets if they can persuade them that pets are equivalent to humans so they push that angle very very heavily.
They also have the money to lobby govt and make sure that no rules are introduced to put limits on pet ownership which would limit their profits.

Because dog ownership is at an all-time high. 34% of homes have at least one dog which equals about 13 million of them.

worldanimalfoundation.org/advocate/pet-ownership-statistics-uk/#:~:text=13%20Million%20Pets%20in%20UK%20Households%20Are%20Dogs%20(PFMA)&text=Ten%20million%20or%2034%25%20of,based%20on%20the%20PFMA%20survey.

Just like there are more car accidents than ever before because there a way more drivers and cars than in the past.

You seem to think that because animals aren't human they don't deserve kindness. Many, many people disagree.

Dogs are great for hoovering up piles of burnt, cold unwanted meat.

I've seen this is action. I once left a burger on a paper plate at a bbq and a dog actually ate it. Apparently it could eat sausages too.

A large pack of dogs at a bbq will cater for all your meat disposal needs.

But they are compared with people. All the time. If someone says that they don't want dogs in cafes someone always pops up to say they don't want kids in cafes.

As for "kindness" it would be kinder not to have a dog at all if you can't look after it properly. Even those who claim to be dog lovers will take them for walks when it is too hot or have breeds with squashed faces which means they can't breathe properly or get horrendous headaches.

But any dog can be trained to stay alone for a few hours. If it has its own special needs then you have to deal with that and not expect the rest of the world to accommodate you.

Dog attacks are at an all time high because of the increase in dog ownership, useless owners and entitled owners.

But they are compared with people. All the time. If someone says that they don't want dogs in cafes someone always pops up to say they don't want kids in cafes.

I was referring to the posts about dogs having emotions, not whether people compare them to humans in other circumstances.

As for "kindness" it would be kinder not to have a dog at all if you can't look after it properly. Even those who claim to be dog lovers will take them for walks when it is too hot or have breeds with squashed faces which means they can't breathe properly or get horrendous headaches.

I don't think anyone has said otherwise.

But any dog can be trained to stay alone for a few hours. If it has its own special needs then you have to deal with that and not expect the rest of the world to accommodate you.

Again, nobody is saying otherwise. They're just saying that they'd have to stay home if they couldn't bring their dog which is perfectly reasonable. My dog is anxious alone so I either stay home with him or take him to dog-friendly events. It's no big deal to me to miss out sometimes, but other people seem to take huge offence by it for some reason 🤷‍♀️

It pisses me off too when people are dismissive or flippant about separation anxiety (but then I specialise in fixing it so... it would).

Around 85% of dogs experience it, however that is owner reported, I would think the figures are much higher as there will be owners clueless as to what their dogs are doing/experiencing.

That makes sense, dogs are not naturally equipped to be alone. Not only did they evolve to be near us and function in a social group, but we selectively bred dogs to want to take instruction from us, wait for that instruction, be with us all the time... so why is anyone surprised when dogs can't cope alone?

Add to that humans misguided ideas about learning and stress (oh just let them cry it out, they'll get used to it...) - theres a lot of unhappy dogs out there.

For owners trying their damndest to fix the issue, meet their dogs needs - fuck is it a kick in the guts when you do the right thing, ask if your dog can come to a potentially suitable event, accept that the answer is no, decline the invite because the dogs needs are more important than a BBQ... and get ridiculed and stropped at by those who take offence!

We did have dogs suffering separation anxiety in the 80s and 90s - fewer, certainly, we had fewer dogs. Fewer homes where people were out all day had dogs! Dogs who did suffer were made to live outside, were rehomed or just put down because they trashed the house or upset the neighbours. It isn't a new problem, recently invented, at all.

Back to the topic though - big party BBQs on hot days are still not an appropriate place to take dogs!

Excellent post @WiddlinDiddlin 👏

For owners trying their damndest to fix the issue, meet their dogs needs - fuck is it a kick in the guts when you do the right thing, ask if your dog can come to a potentially suitable event, accept that the answer is no, decline the invite because the dogs needs are more important than a BBQ... and get ridiculed and stropped at by those who take offence!

Agree with this.

Stay at home with the dog? Get told you are too soft and humanising the dog.

Leave the dog at home to howl? Get told you are allowing the dog to make too much noise.

Ask your friend if the dog can come with you? Apparently you are now a CF.

It's like some kind of torture trap in which every door leads to the same ending. I suspect the right answer is to just do what the hell you want to anyway, because it makes no difference to the judgement imposed.

Exactly - people who've never had a dog with separation anxiety have no idea just how difficult and isolating it can be - but they seem perfectly happy to shit on those of us who are just doing our best to do what's right.

My beagle has had separation anxiety since he was a puppy - he's five now and can just about manage an hour or two (at a push) by himself - but only if he's had a good amount of exercise and is left in certain conditions and with certain comforts, otherwise he just howls.

For some reason, it really seems to really piss people off that I'm not willing to leave him to the point where he just cries and howls at the top of his lungs. It's great that your dog can be left and doesn't howl, but mine just isn't capable of that so it's my responsibility as his owner to make sure he's not distressed, anxious and unhappy.

And I'm more than happy to do it. I'm perfectly happy to opt out of events and stay home, or have people round here so that he has company. Luckily most of my friends are doggy people and are more than happy for me to bring him along to events - anyone who wasn't understand and complained that I was turning down invites would get short shrift, quite frankly.