To say this is my house?

[LovelySparrow]

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

Where you cock lodge is not your home and never will be. If he wants it to be his home he needs to sort out his divorce, sell his house, and pay his way.

He’s conserving his property for his kids at the expense of OP, by living rent free in her property.

You’ve got far and managed to miss that his financial contribution or lack thereof is at her instigation so he has no claim on her house?

That is absolutely fair enough if that's what he's doing. It won't be an issue for OP to remind him of his choices then will it?
I've lived with a man who owned his own house. It was my home while I lived there and it was lovely but I never once thought cos I'd moved in it was mine too and he didnt subsidise me one bit! I paid my way, managed to save and really appreciated been able to.

This far.

@Mirabai whatever you say!

Nope, doesn’t change the reality that he is living there rent free. He doesn’t have the capital to get a property with OP and yet still wants to call it his house.

He can’t even afford to pay half the council tax, which even tenants pay themselves.

This.

He just had a dose of reality.

Feel free to add the poor tearful man to your deeds. Since he's contributed as much to yours as to OP's.

She. Doesn’t. Want. Him. To. Nor does she want to co own a property with him. Have you read any of her posts?

I suppose I can see how this might have hurt his feelings and made him feel (irrationally) that you aren't as serious as he is about being in a true partnership, but he needs to be mature enough (at his age, and as a man with adult children, who's already been through marriage and divorce) to recognise that what you've said is merely the truth. I'd lay it out as calmly and logically as possible for him. You're simply stating the facts that this is your house, and you are leaving it to your own children. You want to keep everything clear on that point, for his own sake as much as anything else. He needs to know where things stand.

Maybe he'd prefer a shared property, but that's not what this is. You're not married, and the house is yours and yours alone. I don't think I'd be quite as comfortable living in someone else's house, feeling uncertain of my future if they should die first, but that's another matter and can be addressed next. If he's worried about not owning a home, he needs to deal with his ex-wife and take back his share of the property value.

Life interests are tricky and expensive to administer. If you die first, what happens if, for example, he can't manage the current house and wants to buy something smaller and so on. What happens if he goes into a retirement home and the house is rented with the income going to him for perhaps years? The costs and the potential downsides are high.

If something happened to my husband and I found myself in your situation, I would want a nice clear cut inheritance of my property to my children.

As a PP said, what people inherit will often have more effect on their lifestyle than what they earn in their job giving the cost of houses and the general cost of living.

I do hope he wasn't thinking he would inherit from you and keep his half-interest in the other house and leave the lot to his children?

I don't think I would be interested in subsidising his ex-wife either. Or subsidising him increasing his equity in that house either. However, if you like the companionship I suppose it might be a workable arrangement.

He is not going to stalk out because the deal is too good - nice house, no rent, no mortgage and largely just pays for his food.

He's a kept man but that's not enough for him & he wants more, he's trying to guilt trip you into signing over some of the house to him.
Make sure your will is water tight.

It's your asset not his, he lives with you and contributes to daily living costs as he should
He doesn't have a leg to stand on legally and you have assured this by paying mortgage and maintenance costs on your home
What I find odd is that he still contributes to the ex's mortgage when DC are grown up
Is he divorced? Most couples go for a clean break settlement( as I did)
By still contributing to that mortgage you are effectively making up the shortfall as you earn more
As his DC are adults the house should be sold( as mine was) so he has nothing to cry about, and id wonder if he was trying to manipulate you
State your case and stand firm

She doesn’t say she doesn’t want him to pay half the council tax, just that he can’t afford to pay half.

He. Wants. To. Call. Her. House. His. OP herself says he’s landed on his feet with her.

Ask about Lasting Power of Attorney whilst you’re there OP

A solicitor will charge you several hundred pounds for this. Go to gov.uk website and do it yourself. 2x£80 if you want Health and Finance.

Don't know why @LovelySparrow doesn't explain why DP hasn't sold the family home.

I think the timeline of your relationship would be interesting.

Did he move from the family home into yours, if he did, how convenient if he did.

That you don't seem to realise just how convenient it is for him to continue to pay for his ex wife to live in the family home, whilst he lives off you in your home, is extraordinary.

Do you really think women would self esteem would tolerate this.

He feels upset at you stating he doesn't own half your home, again extraordinary.

Do you really imagine women with self esteem would find a man like this attractive.

You deserve better than this man who is suiting himself and his Ex massively by living with you.

It's entirely his problem. Wtf should OP be responsible for him after she dies?

You were being fair and honest, OP. He didn't like it. He needs to think about his own future. maybe he should sell the property he co-owes with his ex and invest in his own property. If he is living rent free with you, he has the money to do that.

He’s a twat.

he wants paying back for the one thing he did for the home, and yet he thinks it’s half his.

I moved in with my partner, she got the house which was in neg equity in her divorce. She had to fight for that!! A decade later, no matter what I’ve done to the house (nearly everything) how much money (tens of thousands including a decent kitchen) its her house for her kids, my step kids. I’d want her kids to have it if anything happens, which we have discussed as she works in a high risk profession.

I’ve taken care of myself as well, I have resources, which would allow me to buy a house if anything happens to her and the kids got the house. How can anyone feasibly think any different.

im not sure if that’s part of masculinity, but good men don’t screw over partners and they ready baked families. And that’s why, he’s a twat.

Op - totally sensible approach and you are being generous.

Presuming you reminded him calmly/with a smile rather than snapped at him, you were right to reiterate the position.

Of course, the sensible thing would be for him to extract his equity from his ex marital home and buy himself a small property as a safety net/investment. Net rental profits should then be used for the benfit of your joint lifestyle (perhaps a holiday fund to keep things clean) just as your property is being used for the benefit of your joint lifestyle.

Maybe this upset, once things have calmed down a bit, will spur him on to build some parity and security. If appropriate, do offer practical support (help finding a property, getting ready to let etc).

He's a cocklodger with the hump; I'm surprised that doesn't give you the ick.

Quite.

What happens if you go into a nursing home OP? I don’t think you can throw him out on the streets.

Good point, he better move back to HIS house asap, so he is not thrown out of someone else's house when he is old and frail

Where the hell is he supposed to go when you die? This could happen at any age, he could be elderly, frail etc and have to move out

Um......He already owns a property with his ex! He'd have to sell it , split it with his ex and buy or rent a new place- just like everyone else does when they split from their partner. This is something we all have to do if we own property and end up getting divorced.

Again check with solicitor - money well spent. I just googled a bit. If he can show that he has paid a bit towards the upkeep of house, it might be that he has slightly more claim. Cos that is acquiring an interest. Your Will needs to be watertight and it is a complicated area of the law. He could i think defo try for a claim against the house, so it needs to be easilly shown he has no case.

And yes what people are saying about power of attorney. I know nothing about that.