To say this is my house?

[LovelySparrow]

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

Your house, his home... like the landlord 'own' this but its my home.

You don't have to refund him either, I technically pay the mortgage and up keep through my rent payments as well as all bills here and have for a decade but I have zero state in the ownership of the house. If you live somewhere you pay towards it, it doesn't mean you have any rights to ownership.

How is her man bar low if she's financially ring fenced her property and her life? MN is hilarious – women are berated all the time for not protecting themselves in relationships, OP does that and she's blasted for it.

he is an idiot not to discuss with his ex about selling their house
he is no planner by the sounds of things

Why on earth is he still paying towards a mortgage for his ex when there are no young children still living there? I'd have an issue with that I think.

Confidence?

If she puts him on the deeds she is gifting him £100k+??

I mean that is some confidence! 1/2 of relationships end.

If he pays he can get a share.

And yes we advise women/sham to get on the deeds if they are vulnerable as we are advising them. If we are advising the man who had the house we'd say do not do it.

This

Then he has no right to be “upset”, especially as he still has a house with his ex and pays towards it - so he’s still financially entangled with her.
It is your house, that’s a fact.

He's trying to guilt trip (i.e. manipulate) you; the tears in the eyes and refusal to talk about it give that away. You've got your house and he's got his and he knows it.

I know the man in your situation. He does find it upsetting the house isn’t his, he’s worked hard for what he has and just chance and timing means it’s not his. He struggles with having to defer all the time and not having a say over a friendly opinion on his home.

despite those gripes there’s also respect and understanding that it’s her house. He also has a backup plan.

neither of you are wrong it was probably just a reminder to him that he could lose it, he has no claim and actually he needs to sort his shit out with the other house.

Are you sure you have legally excluded a claim from him against your estate as a dependent?

How do you know him? Chance and timing have nothing to do with why he has no claim on OP’s home.

I know the man in your situation. He does find it upsetting the house isn’t his, he’s worked hard for what he has and just chance and timing means it’s not his. He struggles with having to defer all the time and not having a say over a friendly opinion on his home

No, its not chance and timing that the house isnt his, its the OP working hard and actually paying for it with her own money, thats exactly why it belongs to her. OP has worked hard too, and she reimburses him for things he buys for the house. If he's so upset about having to defer then why doesnt he contribute more? Oh thats right, its because he cant because he's already paying for his own house.

I'm not sure this is right, or at least, not the whole story. I know a guy whose house is worth 2 million. His sole name. His GF lived there for 4 years and then they married, but split up in less than a year. He kept the house but had to buy her a place for 200k mortgage. No dch. So sounds as if 'it depends'.

How do people not know this stuff?! It also works the other way, a woman moves into her partner's house, they don't marry but have kids together. She may end up paying towards the upkeep of the house, bills, etc, but when they split up she's shocked that she's not entitled to anything. Has this ignorance about the benefits (and downside) of marriage come about because it's been pushed as a feminist thing for so long "I'm not anyone's property! I don't belong to anyone, I'm not being "given away" by anyone etc etc etc".

Come on, marriage is a LEGAL process. It MEANS something. I wish people would stop trying to claim that it's anti-feminist or "just a piece of paper" or "just a big waste of money on a meringue dress and a party"

Yes, of course, you don't HAVE to get married if you arrange your legal affairs otherwise so that you are protected. But for a young couple buying their first house together and wanting to start a family, why on earth bother going the complicted route when a simple marriage ceremony does exactly the same thing.

For older couples who have previous partners, homes, children, it's probably better NOT to get married if you don't want your spouse inheriting most of your estate automatically if you were to die.

OP, I think the fact that he's still paying a mortgage elsewhere is all the argument you need for why he has no legal claim to half your house. It's presumably because he has a legal claim to half the house he has with his ex, assuming they were married then divorced. How come he is still paying towards it? Won't it sell or something? Has she told him a sob story about how she can't afford to buy him out?

Boo hoo. He needs to sort his shit out with his own house before crying over yours.

Why does he find it upsetting the house isnt his? it was paid for by the OP. Are you saying he thinks he should own half her house ASWELL as having his own house (that the OP has no claim over). How the fck is that fair? he sounds vile

He's done rather well out of the arrangement so far, hasn't he.

OP is essentially subsiding his and his ex-wife's lifestyle.

Well it is in the example of the person I knew. Which is why I said it.

if he’d met his partner sooner he’d have bought the house with her. So, chance and timing.

irrelevant for the op, as she bought it when together.

Having said that, if I were you, OP, I would not want to think of my partner that I loved being thrown out of his home if I were to die, just so that my children could inherit. You could arrange something legally so that he had a life interest in the house and then after he died it goes to your children. Then again, you've only been together 5 years which isn't a HUGELY long time, and it's a really bloody weird situation where he's still paying towards a different house with his ex.

Just weird all round.

I’m not talking about ops partner. Different man. He doesn’t believe her house is his. He just sometimes struggles with deferring rather than compromise (he’s a tradesman, so capable with his own opinions).

those two would buy together but they love her house and wouldn’t find another like it. So different circumstance but probably similar feelings.

I rent and dislike being able to make decisions about my home, sometimes I cry about it. But I can’t change it. Ops partner can

When you speak with your solicitor OP I would make it a priority to run by them what, if any, right he has to make a claim on the estate as a dependent of yours, given it is you that essentially enables him to maintain a lifestyle and as he has lived with you more than two years without being required to pay rent or a mortgage.

As others have said I congratulate the OP on having her children at the forefront of her mind. The tears in the eyes sound manipulative and to get a reaction, that will not be in OPs favour

OP when discussing your will maybe consider stipulating what will happen after your death if he survives you. You don’t want your kids going through a legal hassle of getting him out the house if he refuses to go while they are grieving their mother

Ah I see. But either way, the man in this scenario cant afford to contribute to a joint house even if both of them wanted that because he's still paying for his house with his ex wife. I doubt most of us could afford to have two houses - thats life, no point crying about it. He isnt 14, he is a grown adult and in this case, its not chance or timing, the situation he is in is a direct result of his life choices and him not wanting to give up his house. Thats fine, but he cant really then complain that OP's house isnt his.

Exactly, choices have consequences.

No the tears are odd. Giving him the benefit that he’s not an utter cocklodger. The only thing i could think is it’s realisation he needs to sort his shit out, and he’d forgotten himself that it wasn’t his and had got a Little too comfortable.