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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say this is my house?

341 replies

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 06:58

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/06/2023 13:44

OrbandSpectacle · 25/06/2023 13:33

He's a cocklodger with the hump; I'm surprised that doesn't give you the ick.

Quite.

Sums it up.

LadyBug2022 · 25/06/2023 13:44

Dont worry - just get it right

MCOut · 25/06/2023 13:45

Correcting him was unnecessarily mean OP and would probably only serve to make him ill at ease in your home. If he has already acknowledged that he has no legal claim on the house then there is no confusion and it was clear he meant home.

There isn’t a problem with making sure that there’s clarity and you’re in no way obligated to share your asset, but that should be a purposeful sit down conversation. Or if it’s something that you worry about, perhaps you need to put a legal agreement in place.

SweetBirdsong · 25/06/2023 13:46

I have made a mental note to myself that if I ever split up with DH, who I've been with for 35 years, to never, ever get into a relationship with anyone else, and certainly never live with anyone. Because I absolutely would not be putting anybody else's name onto the house that I own...

I would not give any into petty manipulative emotional-blackmailing behaviour like the OP's partner is displaying, from any man who wishes to claim my home as his ... It's an absolute fucking cheek really, from this man when he owns half the other house.

There's no way anyone would be emotionally blackmailing me this way. I would be considering the future of this relationship TBH. I don't think I could stay with this man now.

As pps have said, it's very dodgy that he is still paying half towards a mortgage on a house he and his ex own. It's all sounding rather suspicious to me, like he's trying to get access to the OP's house ownership. As I say, I would be questioning the relationship now @LovelySparrow

Blossomtoes · 25/06/2023 14:11

I would be questioning the relationship now

I expect he got there first.

keyboardkat · 25/06/2023 14:13

Where did he live prior to moving in with you OP?

I am in a 30 year relationship with a fine man. He has his house, I have mine. We have a Charles and Camilla type arrangement and it it works out brilliantly. Neither of us has kids and we are just leaving a token amount to each other in our wills. The rest is up to each person to decide.

Good communication from the outset is why we are still together with no bitterness, regrets, or fears for the future.

AhNowTed · 25/06/2023 14:21

@SweetBirdsong

Similarly, my DH and I have a pact that if anything were to happen to either of us, the other would never marry and be so foolish as to put our assets at risk. Assets it took (so far) 37 years to build.

They are for our children, or god forbid to fund care.

The idea that OP should feel in ANY way responsible for grown 50-odd year old, and that he has some claim on her house when a) his has his own! and b) she's already subsidising him is a fucking joke!

3luckystars · 25/06/2023 14:25

He sounds like a scrounger to me.

StrawberryWater · 25/06/2023 14:25

He’s nothing but a cocklodger and the only reason he’s upset is that he’s been put in his place.

How do you not have the ick?

Riverlee · 25/06/2023 14:46

I read the op differently, in that he was upset because op didn’t feel an equal partner in the family set up, not because he was after the house. Although op explained it was his home, her earlier comment didn’t imply this. So it wasn’t that he was upset about the financial side of things, more on an emotional level.

BotterMon · 25/06/2023 14:49

Cocklodger alert

TomatoSandwiches · 25/06/2023 14:49

LovelySparrow · 25/06/2023 07:08

Well yes - he can't actually financially contribute because he is paying the mortgage on his house.

I know he mentioned paying that bill because he wants the money back, not because he was being generous!

Well I wouldn't be trying to fix his bruised ego then, he can suck it up.

SaltyCrisps · 25/06/2023 15:16

You're absolutely right, OP, both to say you'll reimburse him and to remind him that it's your house. It seems bizarre to me that he would be on the verge of tears because he'd imagined you were somehow gifting him half of the value of your house! As you've said, he has his own house. If that's sold will he imagine that half of his share is yours? Seems unlikely.

Newestname002 · 25/06/2023 15:48

You could arrange something legally so that he had a life interest in the house and then after he died it goes to your children.

Personally I would not do this. I would not land my children with someone in their home for the next few decades after their parent has died and/or have problems if he refuses to leave the property.

He is an adult with a c.50% stake in his joint home/house with his ex partner, and to which he is still paying the mortgage. He should do the sensible thing, protect his own longer term needs, take legal advice and advise his ex that the house will be sold so he can get his equity to invest for himself. 🌹

AhNowTed · 25/06/2023 16:05

Newestname002 · 25/06/2023 15:48

You could arrange something legally so that he had a life interest in the house and then after he died it goes to your children.

Personally I would not do this. I would not land my children with someone in their home for the next few decades after their parent has died and/or have problems if he refuses to leave the property.

He is an adult with a c.50% stake in his joint home/house with his ex partner, and to which he is still paying the mortgage. He should do the sensible thing, protect his own longer term needs, take legal advice and advise his ex that the house will be sold so he can get his equity to invest for himself. 🌹

Exactly.

Why on earth should she do this and then burden her children with him as well.

He has his own house!

Daisiesandprimroses · 25/06/2023 16:26

I certainly wouldn’t be giving him a life interest, good lord. The man’s got a house. He chooses to have one with his ex. He could have had that sold, and started alone or with the op. He chose not to. He doesn’t get to our his hand out and demand hers or a lifetime interest. Her poor kids. Doing them out of inheritance for what could be decades.

dickheed · 25/06/2023 16:42

Where the hell is he supposed to go when you die? This could happen at any age, he could be elderly, frail etc and have to move out

FFS. He has his own property shared with his ex. He can insist on it being sold and getting his share. He should be saving for his old age too, not using some woman with a house as his pension plan.
They've been together 5 years. He was married before as was the OP and they both have adult children. It's not like they've been together all their lives and built up assets together as a couple.
They are two people who have entered into a relationship in their 50s after divorce and should be ensuring their own financial stability is secured as individuals.
He's not an 80 year old who has lost his wife of 60 years.

If they are still together in 20 years then they can reassess the situation.

AhNowTed · 25/06/2023 16:45

@dickheed my thoughts exactly.

Nanna50 · 25/06/2023 17:21

I had a friend who left his younger DP a life interest in his house, he believed he was taking care of her, he died. Within 6 months his DP had moved another man in to the house. That was 6 years ago. His adult DC’s have to wait for her to die before they can even enter the house, never mind sell it. It could be decades.

ItsOnlyMeNow · 25/06/2023 20:12

Nanna50 · 25/06/2023 17:21

I had a friend who left his younger DP a life interest in his house, he believed he was taking care of her, he died. Within 6 months his DP had moved another man in to the house. That was 6 years ago. His adult DC’s have to wait for her to die before they can even enter the house, never mind sell it. It could be decades.

You make this situation clear in the legal document.

AhNowTed · 25/06/2023 20:37

@ItsOnlyMeNow "You make this situation clear in the legal document"

I would have thought so too. But too many situations recently (siblings refusing to move, emptied their now deceased parents bank accounts).

Folks having to spend thousands in legal fees to get these parasites out.

Some not even related to the now deceased.

It's unreal how many of them are out there.

ItsOnlyMeNow · 25/06/2023 21:21

AhNowTed · 25/06/2023 20:37

@ItsOnlyMeNow "You make this situation clear in the legal document"

I would have thought so too. But too many situations recently (siblings refusing to move, emptied their now deceased parents bank accounts).

Folks having to spend thousands in legal fees to get these parasites out.

Some not even related to the now deceased.

It's unreal how many of them are out there.

If it is clearly stated as is mine then there is no option for my husband to move another woman in or for him to sell the house and use it for another property. The actual details are minute - who pays what in maintenance of the house - my son or my husband. Yes it is something that needs to be planned and not ignored.

J0S · 25/06/2023 21:36

Nanna50 · 25/06/2023 17:21

I had a friend who left his younger DP a life interest in his house, he believed he was taking care of her, he died. Within 6 months his DP had moved another man in to the house. That was 6 years ago. His adult DC’s have to wait for her to die before they can even enter the house, never mind sell it. It could be decades.

I know someone who left her half of her house to her three children. The other half belonged in her to her husband, the father of the children . She died very suddenly in her 40s in a car accident when her children were only late teens / early 20s.

The children’s father persuaded the ( young adult) children to sign over their half of the house to him for relatively small sum ( I think it was about £10,000, far less than their share of the house which would probably have been about £50,000 each ). He told them that it was just a technicality as of course they would all inherit the house when he died etc etc.

Within months he had met someone else, sold the family home and bought somewhere with his new partner. When he died, she got it all.

The kids are now in their 50s and two of the three have never managed to buy anywhere, they don’t earn enough / have stable enough jobs. And of course they probably never will now. The £10k “ fun money “ was of course squandered when they were young on a nice car / holidays .

The £50k they actually inherited would have probably bought a 2 bed flat at the time.

Chatillon · 25/06/2023 22:02

@J0S That happens very, very frequently. It is fraud of course, but the law is an ass when it comes to proving it. The conveyancing solicitor is culpable also.

J0S · 26/06/2023 00:07

Chatillon · 25/06/2023 22:02

@J0S That happens very, very frequently. It is fraud of course, but the law is an ass when it comes to proving it. The conveyancing solicitor is culpable also.

That’s interesting but very sad that it’s so common . Basically their own father defrauded them, although no doubt he would say he bought them out. one of the three kids didn’t speak to him for decades after he did it, they only reconciled briefly before he died.

I always thing of that family when well meaning MN Posters talk about leaving their house to their OH and not their kids. Of course they all imagine they will die at 90 and don’t want to leave their 92 yo partner homeless . And that he will conveniently die a few months later, without remarrying or writing a will.

No one thinks they might die young, leaving their parents to bring up their kids. While their partner and his new Gf and their kids live in the
house for the next 40 years.