To say this is my house?

[LovelySparrow]

Have name changed as I know dp's family is on here

I have been going out with dp for nearly 5 years. We are both in our 50s and divorced with our own kids, none together.

He moved into the house I was living in at the time, since then, I sold the house and bought somewhere bigger where we all had our own space. It is solely in my name and I purchased it on my own and I pay for everything to do with its maintenance/upkeep.

Dp still owns a house with his ex where she lives. She was meant to have sold it by now but doesn't want to (kids have left home etc.). I'm not involved in that. He pays part of the mortgage on that house.

This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house. I said but it isn't actually, it's my house. I said you have a house. This may be your home but it's actually legally my house.

He's now really upset. Said I'm being incredibly nasty and he feels really shit. When we went to bed, I saw he had tears in his eyes. I tried to clear the air but he didn't want to hear it but I'm going to today.

I don't think I'm wrong. We have no kids together. If I die, everything goes to my kids, I've always been clear about that and although we don't have a co habitation agreement, he has (legally) acknowledged that he has no claim on me/my estate if I did die.

I don't think, just because he's moved in with me, that he has any rights to say it's his house or our house in any way. Happy for it to be our home.

Was I a bitch because he seems to be implying that I'm incredibly cruel and unfair?

Does he have tears every time he pays half the mortgage on his property for his ex?

He has a house, does he view that house as your house?

He needs to wake up to the fact that he is in a very fortunate relationship with you @LovelySparrow how many women would accept subsidising the ex wife with no children? Every year he lives with you his house is earning profit.

Make sure that your Will is watertight including if you need care, become ill, have an accident or just want him to leave.

He already owns half a house.

And I can't see him gifting that to the OP!

He wants his cake and eat it.

If you really cared about your children's inheritance, you wouldn't have moved him in. He could cause all kinds of problems after you die for them. Blunt but true.

Does he have tears every time he pays half the mortgage on his property for his ex?

Well, quite. I suspect not because he owns half of it. If PP are saying that due to the fact that they are a couple, he should have a right over her house then it equally follows that the OP should have a third right over HIS house but that hasnt happened. You dont get to share the finances in a partnership that only benefit you but keep the rest back as your own. Thats a case of "whats yours is mine but whats mine is my own"....

Out of interest, OP, how long were you going out with him before he moved into yours? Was he still with his ex when he started going out with you, and she chucked him out their jointly-owned house? I can understand you inviting him to live at yours in this scenario, although personally I wouldn't have done that as it would have felt like I was just a convenience. But I would have been very clear about what was going to happen with payments towards the house he had with his ex and when they were going to stop.

I feel really bad for him. It sounds like he is not trying to make a legal claim on the house - he fully accepts that the Op owns a house and he co-owns another house - but yes, it’s your joint shared home for now. The fact that the OP is picking him up over a slip of words is really sad. What a way to live having to check yourself before you say anything.

Is a tenant entitled to say “my home”?

Is a tenant entitled to say “my home”?

Yes, and OP said it was his home too, but legally its her house which it is. Would a tenant say to their landlord "this house is mine"?

In fact, I would argue a tenant has more right to say that because they are paying rent- he isnt.

But you said "This weekend we were talking about the house and dp mentioned he had paid for something and I said I would refund him. He said why would you do that, it's our house." so he was asking why you would refund him as it's 'our house' so why are you saying he wants the money back? That's contradictory.

But he’s not asking for a legal claim? They aren’t married and they have discussed and signed legal documentation about how not having a claim? She doesn’t say he’s asked for a change in anything..?

Would you seriously pull up a tenant saying something like “we can go back to my house for a barbecue later” with “it’s not actually your house”? Because I don’t see it differently to this at all. He said it in passing. He didn’t say “Hi Op, I’ve realised I’ve made a mistake in signing away rights my MY HOUSE, let’s go and see a solicitor tomorrow.” He just wants to take pride in the house he lives in.

Of course not but I certainly would query why a tenant was crying about the fact that they dont own my house for sure. Especially if I was paying for everything and funding them to live so they could carry on owning a house with their ex wife.

He’s not a tenant, he’s the person she’s apparently chosen to share her life with. It was completely unnecessary to point out that it’s her house. He knows that. He probably heard that as her saying it’s not his home - which is completely different. Anyway it’s a great way to make him question the relationship but perhaps that’s what she wants.

Really pleased to read that your financial head overrules your heart. So important when you already own property!

Absolutely it is your house. Maybe he got the reality check remembering he'd be homeless if something happens to you.... hence the tears...

I just don’t agree with this. Where had it been suggested that he is crying about not legally owning it? He was crying because the OP just reminded him he doesn’t own the house for no real reason (it’s not like he was asking to see a solicitor and change it?). He’s crying because there’s no “our”, it’s all “my” - but no suggestion that he isn’t fine with the current, legal set up of things and wants to dis-inherit the OP’s children.

I was in pretty much this exact situation when my DH (then DP) moved into my then flat. I would never have lived with him at all if we weren’t going to share our lives. His car became “our car”. I was fully aware that should we break up I’d have no claim on his car and he’d have no claim on my flat, but it would have been incredibly petty of either of us to insist on talking about “my flat” / “my car” IMO and I don’t think the relationship would have lasted long.

I don’t see how it’s any different to my children referring to their rooms as “my room” when of course they don’t legally own the rooms or indeed any part of the house…

@Twentypastfour Would you seriously pull up a tenant saying something like “we can go back to my house for a barbecue later” with “it’s not actually your house”? Because I don’t see it differently to this at all. He said it in passing.

but he didn’t say it in passing. He said it in regards to a significant financial sum relating to the property, and most people understand that making financial contributions to a cohabitated properties may at some point in the future give a claim.

Good for you OP this is refreshing! Do not apologise to him, in fact I would make a point of reminding him again AND mentioning that you tolerate subsidising HIS ex wife before he tries the old manipulation game again.

You’d only do that if you wanted to end the relationship. You wouldn’t see most people for dust. Surely he’s only doing the same as OP - conserving his property for his kids. Funny how that’s only admirable when a woman does it.

and of course you are not mean @LovelySparrow

op doesnt need to tolerate him subsidising his ex
he is doing so
but he needs to get a grip, get his finger out, and sort out his finances

20 years ago before I met my now husband, I moved 150 miles to be with my partner. He asked me to move in with him, to the house he owned. I had my own flat but rented it out when I moved in with him as there was no point it being empty. I was never allowed to buy anything for the house and I was never allowed to buy shopping. At first thought he was just being really kind as he was the big earner. Actually, he didn't want me buying anything incase I lay claim on his house. The relationship ended pretty swiftly after as I just felt that the house wasn't my home he'd made it out to be.

Give your DP break, it's his home. Don't make him feel like he's a lodger.

He pays an amount each month into a joint account (the only one we have together) that pays for things like food, meals out, petrol, vet bills. The bills like council tax etc I pick up. He couldn't afford more. I don't mind that, I earn a lot more than him, but I have always been v clear that he has a house that he is choosing to carry on funding

I don't think I have low self esteem. He pays his share of living bills, no he doesn't pay rent but that doesn't bother me. I want him to pay for the extra costs of him living here as opposed to me being on my own, which he does which I suppose is somewhat akin to rent though far lower

So what exactly is he paying? You say in the first post quoted above that you pick up bills like council tax and he contributes to food, meals out etc. and in the second post quoted he pays his share of living bills.

He should be paying half of all the bills.
I think he's a bit of a cocklodger to be honest.
He's got his own house with his ex that he hasn't got round to selling and he's paying towards that so he can't afford more than the bills you mention in the first post above. He's basically just living cheaply with you while continuing to pay towards another house which he will receive half of when he eventually sells it.
And then he starts crying when you mention it's your house??? Weird.
Does he not understand the situation? Does he think if he lives with you long enough the house will magically become half his.

It needs clearing up ASAP. Good that you are going to a solicitor.

Tbh, I have no idea why women in their 50s with a home, adult children, social life, financial security etc. move men in and risk everything they have worked for. You are at risk for being taking for a ride by men not contributing properly or issues surrounding inheritance of the property etc. Unfortunately there are a lot of men out there looking for an easy ride (there are plenty of women who do this too).
There is no need for them to move in, none whatsoever.

You could do with him explaining why he thinks you were being nasty when you said that - because objectively and factually it was true, so I assume it is to do with feelings, perhaps he feels vulnerable, or thinks that you are pulling rank on him or always giving him digs about the income difference. I don't know - but it would be helpful if he could articulate what was behind the emotions.

He’s a cocklodger. His home is the one he’s paying the mortgage on.

@Mirabai where you live is your home. I didn't say it was his house.

where you live is your home.

Quite.