To be asked where are you from

[Tweetypie1st]

For background, DH & I live in UK but originally came from South Asia several years ago. This is our home now.
So we are getting quotes for a garage conversion and we had someone come over to have a look. It was an older husband & wife team and they are telling us all sorts of stories(my understanding was trying to build a rapport) and then the guy asks where are we from. And I could tell my DH getting annoyed, so I just replied where I came from. And then he tells us more stories. And then he asks my husband what does he do? And my DH said we live here and then laughed so it doesn't get awkward. After they were gone, he was fuming saying how racist of him to ask us where are we from; we live & work here! Would it be okay if I asked him the same question? What if we were born here; he thinks it's okay to ask this question just because we have a different skin colour.

Would you ask this question to anyone, especially a stranger? Would you be offended if someone asked you that? How would you reply to the question?

It’s a weird phenomenon where BAME people are expected to be incredibly tolerant and turn the other cheek at everything.

I don't think it is racist to ask where somebody is from, but unfortunately many people have experiences that make them uncomfortable being asked the question so I no longer ask. I do think it is a shame as I really enjoy discussing heritage (mine is an interesting mix of Scottish and Irish).

This, doesn't bother me.

I can honestly say I have never asked anyone how they got a scar on their face, why they went to prison or why they are in a wheelchair but I often ask people where they are from.

I ask people where they are from in social settings, to make conversation and it just never occurred to me that they would be upset - I am asked this all the time with my strong Lancashire accent living in NZ.

I suppose it is easy to see offence sometimes when none is meant.

Many people also ask white people there backgrounds especially if they have an accent.

Firstly, friends should know where you are from by the time you are friends?

Secondly, so people can ask white person "where are you from" , but not others? That is how it is soundong here at this point.

I'm from Wigan and live in the midlands. I get asked where I'm from all the time and don't mind. I can imagine it has connotations when you're not white or aren't British. Lady Susan Hussey comes to mind. As for what do you do, it's a very regular question, just making conversation.

I agree with this if it's based on appearance and ethnicity, but if I got chatting to a stranger at a bus stop in a different part of the world, and they noticed that I have a different accent to them, I would consider asking me where I came from to be extremely vanilla small talk.

People will therefore conclude that if it's OK to ask a white person with an accent where they come from, then it's surely no problem to ask someone with a different appearance to them where they come from too, because you are treating both people the same. To pointedly not mention it almost feels a bit Basil Fawlty "don't mention the war".

I do get the annoyance at the "no, but where are you really from" comments though. That does seem very rude.

I'm a mixed ethnicity Brit born and raised. I'm brown-skinned. I've been asked this question too many times to count. It's pretty clear 'where I'm from' as my accent is fully British as are my mannerisms and cultural references in speech.

Does it bother me? No but I am aware that not everyone sees me as British because of my skin colour and/or foreign name. Do I see the asking of this question as racism? No. Ignorance and preconceived prejudice, yes.

The thing is how are people to learn about others and broaden their minds if we don't ask controversial questions.

I've also lived abroad and been asked this question based on my accent. I've also asked the odd person about their nationalities (if not obviously/originally British) and/or their ethnic backgrounds.

I often ask somebody whereabouts they are based but never where do you come from. If a builder is at your house then yes, I think it's unreasonable to ask. If somebody volunteers where they're 'from' fair enough.

I don't know if it was a typo but I am forever asking people what they do for a living. I don't think that has any racist connotations

If you asked my DH where he was from he would be delighted and would tell you anything you wanted to know. He loves meeting people and is genuinely interested, because, I think his experience of coming here as a child is something he likes to talk about and share with people who might have the same experience.
I am very conscious of needing to be much more careful.

I 'collect' accents! Its my party trick, in actual fact I just love accents, it tells you so much about a person! I'd never directly ask someone where their from, but I might say 'oh your accents interesting, let me guess your mum was from the [welsh] valleys and your dad was from London but you lived most of your early life just outside Birmingham' ... the response is always ace!
I find it easy to distinguish between Canadian and American, New Zealand and Australian, but even within those accents, there is is a difference say from someone from Quebec to someone from Toronto, or someone from Christchurch to someone from Auckland etc. even people who speak RP English will have a very, very subtle difference from another RP speaker of English! Admittedly it's a completely useless 'skill', but it's great fun. Sometimes I'll come across a really unusual accent, and that's when I'll ask someone directly about where they have previously lived, rather than where they are from, and of course if someone is throwing out a 'fuck off' vibe, I'll not ask any questions at all! Accents are so unique and individualistic just like a finger print.

Accents are interesting.

When I’m abroad and I’m asked where I’m from I’ll answer England. I’m being asked because of my accent not my colour.

i consider the context of why I’m being asked and intent. If I share my background then feel
free to ask all your burning questions. But don’t just blurt out that question.

There is a cultural element to it too. I'm Irish, live in Ireland and have local accent. But here it is a normal thing to ask where a person is from. I live and work about 20km from my home town and it would be acceptable for a colleague or neighbour to ask where I was from originally. Likewise I would ask someone, a contractor or the girl at the til in the shop if we are making small talk. It's just what we do in my locality and it means nothing. If someone was to answer and I stare in disbelief and quiz them on it, then it's rude but that's different.

Yes, I would say my home town.
If I've travelled to be somewhere for work, I would say the name of the city I live in.

Or to put it another way “it’s easy to offend unintentionally” especially if you aren’t disadvantaged in anyway by your heritage so have never experienced the particular sadness and anger at being treated badly for who you are particularly if you are very near to where you have been born and raised.
I’m interested to hear if anyone reading has decided they won’t ask strangers where they are from anymore?

Unless those who don't like it are a loud minority, it seems those who like in the minority instead, at this point.

*are the minority

Well said.

I think it depends if you have a non-local accent or not, I would potentially ask somebody where they’re from if they had an accent that clearly wasn’t local to the area but certainly wouldn’t ask solely due to skin colour. Do you have a distinctive non-British accents or was the person asking despite you clearly sounding British?

The OP seems to have gone quiet.

If you're white and you have a regional accent , the assumption is you're British. If you are brown or black, those who ask where you're from, assume you have come over from another country. Even if you are 4th generation British as my nieces and nephews are.

In America, even if you've been living there for 200 years and had an ancestor from China- you're Chinese- American.
If you're white- you're just American

Spot on. Was going to say this.

A pp asked how you can tell if the question would lead to it or not (so it's best to consider it a microaggression to ask).

Well you can't tell what anyone would say next, but there's no need living life getting offended before the offence has been committed.

I live in London, where loads of people are from somewhere else. It is a very common question.
i get asked (I am white, have lived here for my adult life, but clearly have an accent) - and why wouldn’t people ask?
if you’ve moved in the last few years you are clearly not from here - so not really racist to ask.