To be asked where are you from

[Tweetypie1st]

For background, DH & I live in UK but originally came from South Asia several years ago. This is our home now.
So we are getting quotes for a garage conversion and we had someone come over to have a look. It was an older husband & wife team and they are telling us all sorts of stories(my understanding was trying to build a rapport) and then the guy asks where are we from. And I could tell my DH getting annoyed, so I just replied where I came from. And then he tells us more stories. And then he asks my husband what does he do? And my DH said we live here and then laughed so it doesn't get awkward. After they were gone, he was fuming saying how racist of him to ask us where are we from; we live & work here! Would it be okay if I asked him the same question? What if we were born here; he thinks it's okay to ask this question just because we have a different skin colour.

Would you ask this question to anyone, especially a stranger? Would you be offended if someone asked you that? How would you reply to the question?

I'm mixed race and Northern. Being asked where your accent is from is totally different. When someone asks where I'm from I say the town I was born and raised in. If they ask 'but where are you really from?' or 'where are your parents from?' then I repeat the same town/general area. Why are strangers/acquaintances so bothered about my ethnicity? Obviously it's different once I've got to know someone.

If we aren't allowed to ask simple questions like this, we are going to shut down communication at its roots. It sounds like it was more curiosity and conversation making than racism in any form. How are we to learn about eachother if we don't ask questions?

OP, being asked where you are from isn't in the least bit racist. It's just normal conversation. You two sound like hard work.

Trying to fit in as an immigrant is hard work enough. We don't need constant reminders that we're different, especially from complete strangers.
While a casual "where are you from" may be innocent, but "where are you really from? you must be from X! come on tell me! i can tell by your accent!" is just plain rude. Makes me want to be rude in return and tell them to get lost.

Precisely

You are precisely the reason why I hate white people asking me where I’m from.

I would find conversing with you as lovely as a colonoscopy.

Yeah, this is way over the top!:)

It's not racist. People need to stop pretending everyone is exactly the same and that differences don't bring out curiousity.
As long as people are polite and not "go home" type, it's no issue.
Saying that as mixed couple who lived in 2 countries together, none native to either of us, 1 majority white, one majority brown.
People ask. People answer. Whether they just pick short answer or get into convo is up to them.

Uk is tedious lately

To me “where are you from?” is fine.

A follow up of “no, where are you REALLY from?” is rude and probably racist.

Racism in the UK is not usually the " go home" type. It's a lot more subtle than that. You will know it when you see it. And it's definitely more towards PoC than others, because the implicit assumption is that PoC have gamed the system.

But as I said, I don't think the OP's garage converters were being racist, unless there is more to tell.

People ask. People answer. Whether they just pick short answer or get into convo is up to them.

When people don't accept short answers and demand a long convo that is not cool.

Agreed

The thing is @onefinemess , you bark at the OP that you are not from here. You then go on to tell her at length why this means she should expect and indeed welcome quizzing about where she is from and that any expressed weariness or dislike of this is unacceptable.

That, whether you mean it to or not, is a form of racism.

In this particular example I don’t think there was any racism. But I also don’t think it is helpful when people insist that ‘where are you from?’ is always a benign question with a harmless motivation. It doesn’t have to be followed up with ‘where are you really from?’ to be racist either.

’Curious’ is not worlds apart from ‘nosy’ and generally speaking, nosiness is a really tedious quality.

It's nit but that's a bit different issueto simple "where are you from"

Why do you think I'm white?

Racist much?

🙄

I'm not "from here" either.

People. An live in lots of places. And saying "I'm not from here" is factually correct. I'm not from here, how else would you prefer me to describe myself?

You don’t have to describe yourself. That’s the point. No one should have to provide a contextual history of where they are from when they open their mouths.

This is like men saying society will cease to desist since they're so afraid to even talk to a woman now.

I do talk to a lot of people, made friends, make small talk at the school gates or random strangers. Never "where are you from?" has ever been necessary to start a conversation or keep it going . Never . Tbh as the friendship/relationship evolves it comes up anyways . If it never goes past one chance encounter, it was never that relevant anyways.

No stranger will become my best friend by stopping me in a shop , while I'm minding me my own business and , interrupting me while I'm talking to my daughter to ask where I'm from because of my accent. Yes that really happened(more than once) , and even if it was with the best intentions I frankly don't care because it was rude, intrusive and worrying for a bit as I didn't know what reaction I's get and I had my daughter with me.

I don't exist as entertainment/education.

I live in the UK but from France, i get asked all the time. Not offended, people are just curious/interested thats all.

This. I am white but with an accent as I am from a European country. Me being asked where I am from is not at all the same as when my black midlands born and bread dh gets the same question.

This is why life can be tricky. Like many people I go through life trying not to offend people and by trying to be a nice person. I try and keep abreast of what is and isn't offensive. Having lived abroad I've had to be careful to change my language in different countries.

I know not to ask people where they are from so I don't. It's no biggie.

However, as a white personal I have to admit to not understanding (in my head) why showing an interest in someone's background is racist. I'd have thought people would be proud and pleased to talk about their backgrounds. I can see that it is rude to push or continue a line of questioning where someone has indicated that they don't wish to. Anyone with half a brain cell can see "No, where are you really from" is not ok obviously.

I know what to do and I'll do it happily but I do think it's a shame. It seems to be making it a taboo subject. One persons 'othering' seems to be another's 'celebrating our differences'

Its tedious isn't it, I never get asked where I'm from because I'm white with an english accent but in fact I'm not from the UK.
My siblings who are half asian and younger than me constantly get asked where they are from despite the fact they were born in the UK and have very british accents.
I often get asked if I am their mum. I do wish people would just mind their own damned business.

@Mamaneedsadrink I'm first generation English and white. My name makes it obvious I'm not of English heritage. I get asked where I'm from... it really doesn't bother me. I happily talk about where my parents and grandparents were born.

It's very common in the UK to be asked where you're from and what you do as as way to make conversation.

The recent issue with an elderly lady in the royal household asking a black lady where she came from opened up a discussion I wasn't aware we needed to have. The social storm that exchange created has made me nervous about asking people where they're from, which I think is a shame as I enjoy learning about other people's culture.

My Dsis who is not very patient with all this stuff when asked what she does for a living says she runs the local corner shop. She's actually a doctor 😂

@DustySoil to be honest I really don’t think it’s as tricky as you’re making it out to be.

It is all about the context in which the question comes up. My issue isn’t a friendly chat. It’s when (as someone said above) people leap in to ask when it isn’t relevant or as part of the conversation.

I used to work with families who needed support with a member of their family with a learning difficulty - sometimes a physical need as well, there was crossover. It involved visiting them in their own homes, and so you expect some chat of course but my god if I had a pound for every time someone demanded to know where I was from, where is THAT accent from, you’re not from round here are ya (with a look of triumph) … like I say it got really tedious and boring.

That is different to say talking about schools and it naturally coming up that you went to one elsewhere in the country.

That one was actually racist and unnecessary.