To be asked where are you from

[Tweetypie1st]

For background, DH & I live in UK but originally came from South Asia several years ago. This is our home now.
So we are getting quotes for a garage conversion and we had someone come over to have a look. It was an older husband & wife team and they are telling us all sorts of stories(my understanding was trying to build a rapport) and then the guy asks where are we from. And I could tell my DH getting annoyed, so I just replied where I came from. And then he tells us more stories. And then he asks my husband what does he do? And my DH said we live here and then laughed so it doesn't get awkward. After they were gone, he was fuming saying how racist of him to ask us where are we from; we live & work here! Would it be okay if I asked him the same question? What if we were born here; he thinks it's okay to ask this question just because we have a different skin colour.

Would you ask this question to anyone, especially a stranger? Would you be offended if someone asked you that? How would you reply to the question?

There are countless questions where someone’s interest / curiosity might be sincere but we recognise that it wouldn’t be appropriate.

’Why are you in a wheelchair?’
‘I’ve heard you were in prison - how come?’
’How did you get that scar on your face?’

Now I know people will get all annoyed and say those questions are so different to ‘where are you from’ but actually they aren’t, really. Questions in the context of a conversation are vastly different to just randomly grilling people through curiosity.

If you have anything other than the local accent it's an obvious question to be asked.

They aren't doing it based on skin colour though.

If they had a British accent I doubt he would need to ask?

My DH is a first generation immigrant from SE Asia. He loves asking people about their background/heritage, even if he has just met them. I find it stressful in case he offends somebody.
I am a second generation immigrant, white and born and brought up in UK. I never ask anybody anything about their background until I feel I know them reasonably well. I would be worried about causing offence.

This is not true for me. I’m white (very pale) with a typical accent for the region I live in and have lived in the UK all my life but constantly get asked where I’m from because of my hair colour. When I tell people they usually act with disbelief. Sometimes disappointment because they were sure I had more interesting heritage.

It makes me feel very uncomfortable and some comments feel as though they are suggesting I don’t belong in the UK because I look as if I have Turkish/Iranian heritage. I have tried dying my hair but it is so black that it won’t take dye at all and so am just embracing it now. I am so tired of people telling me I “don’t look English” though…I’m just me! People have even tried arguing with me about my heritage and I often get the “but where are your parents/family from” question. It’s tedious.

Not true in my experience. I still get asked "Where are you really from?" and I'm Asian and have a Southern UK accent.

Maybe skin colour was indeed a factor.

Your responses will vary according to which demographic you ask. If you and your husband are both South Asian then I find it odd that you'd be perplexed by your husband's response/feelings about it even if you personally are okay with it.

Where are you from and what do you do seem to me to be perfectly normal conversation questions when trying to build a rapport with someone.

Most of my colleagues are here on work visas and the students we work with are here on student visas. Its very normal for everyone to ask each other where they're from, although they'll usually volunteer that information by talking about something back home. Personally I love hearing about what life, and our profession is like in all these far flung countries. It's makes for a very interesting work place and I've actually learned a lot about their home countries, the politics, education systems etc.
I think your DH massively overreacted, he was probably just interested/trying to build a rapport as you say.

@xsquared In your scenario that is racist. They should ask where your parents / grandparents were born.

This is not the same as the OP's issue.

Actually, thinking about it, it is possibly not entirely different to the unusual name debate.

Some people (and I am one of them) like to blend in. I am not shy, or particularly reserved, but standing out isn’t massively comfortable for me and I feel awkward when a difference or a perceived difference is commented on, especially when it is constant.

Others absolutely love it. It isn’t for me to say who is right and who is wrong in that scenario but I do think some recognition that even if you’re only ‘being curious’ it might not always be appreciated is appropriate!

If you have a foreign accent, it's fine to ask where someone is from, regardless of the colour of their skin.

Why on earth did you husband reply 'we live here' to the question 'what do you do'?

@nancy2022 but is there really such a dramatic difference between ‘where are you from?’ if the answer is London or Lahore?

‘Where are you from?’ is a question to me that is fine in some contexts but really is not in others. If I am buying a coffee and I say to the person serving me ‘where are you from?’ I would say that’s inappropriate. Maybe some people do mean it as friendly small talk but I would say the weather, gosh town is busy / quiet is better.

OTOH if I am chatting with a colleague and she says something like ‘the public transport system here is atrocious!’ and I agree and she says it’s far better where I grew up, asking where that is is then totally appropriate, friendly and non intrusive.

But I do think demanding to know where people who have opened their mouths fewer times than their fingers are from is just not quite on. I get some people don’t mind, but the thing is that the potential to make people feel uneasy is quite big if they do mind, and bear in mind people will often be polite and respond whilst thinking, oh fuck off!

Bloody hell, no, it is not.

I think if the question is asked of somebody, like myself, with an accent from the UK's constituent countries/regions then it's just a conversational point. As somebody who deals with the public either face to face or on the phone and their accent is from the other end of the country then 'not from Plymouth originally I guess?' is an OK icebreaker type thing.

If your accent, or appearance face to face, suggests roots outwith the UK or even Europe, then I'd be much more circumspect. Many of my friends who are second/third generation UK have had the Lady Hussey 'but where are you really from' inquisition.

@Justroundthecorner Did you mean to tag me? That's a lengthy reply?

I get it, OP. I’m British Pakistani and get asked this a lot.

Some white people do recoil when I say Pakistan, so it does make me wary when white people ask me where I’m from, because I never know if they’re going to be the type of person who automatically associates Pakistanis with negative stuff.

I’m very proud of my heritage but just that single look can still make me feel crap.

Please just don’t ask, until it comes up organically. There’s a thousand other things to ask me about.

Sorry if I misread @nancy2022 but you did seem to be saying it’s OK to ask where someone is from if the answer is somewhere white!

So - ‘where are you from?’
‘Sydney’ - fine?

’where are you from?’
’Somalia’ - not fine?

Myself, I’m not so sure. I think the whole ‘where are you from?’ Thing is quite racist when it is asked to someone who isn’t British, but when it’s someone who is British just has a ‘different’ accent, it isn’t racist but it is tedious as hell and so, so boring.

Must be exhausting getting annoyed over such small things

It is exhausting to be pestered by strangers for personal info.

If you have a foreign accent, it's fine to ask where someone is from, regardless of the colour of their skin.

It is fine to mind your own business. Why do you even need to know?

Agreed @JazbayGrapes

’Exhausting’ is exactly how I would put it.

It's too early for this.

I usually assume when someone asks me "Where are you from?", that they mean where I currently live, so I say my home town.

Really? If someone wanted to know where you lived they'd ask 'where do you live?' 'Where are you from?' is asking where you grew up (or in the case of racists 'explain your family history so I know how racist to be').

OP, being asked where you are from isn't in the least bit racist. It's just normal conversation. You two sound like hard work.

Being curious about difference isn't racist.

You are not from here. 90% of the people you will interact with on a daily basis will be from here. So it's natural for people to be curious when they speak to someone who doesn't fit that demographic.

I lived in another country for a number of years, people there always asked me about my history, it was just a normal conversation. Think of it like this . .

Random Stranger

"Where are you from?"

You

"Oh my God! You're so racist! how dare you ask me where I'm from! You should be ashamed of yourself, get out of my house you racist!"

Now consider this interaction . .

Random Stranger

"Where are you from?"

You

"Well I grew up in Mauritius, but I've been here for 20 years now."

Random Stranger

"Ah, I thought I recognised the accent, my daughter is married to a guy from Port Louis, she met him when she was on a study programme over there, she's a biologist, they live in London now. Actually his Dad was originally from the Diego Garcia, so his was one of the families given British Citizenship after the illegal clearing of the islands, he came here when he was seven or eight. Lovely guy, he's a GP. We go to Mauritius every year now though, stay with the family, they live in Flic en Flack now"

You

Wow, small world isn't it. Flac is lovely, my aunt lives there. He was so lucky to get that citizenship, only a few people have it that way. We had to go the regular route with visas and stuff, cost a bloody fortune! Speaking of which, any chance of a little discount? Fellow honorary Mauritian! Go on! You know you want to!"

Random Stranger

"Well fair enough, OK, I can do 15% but that's as low as I can go, I have plane tickets to pay for!"

See how a little conversation can be a lovely thing, and maybe save you some money.

Stop finding offence in everything OP.

You are not from here. 90% of the people you will interact with on a daily basis will be from here. So it's natural for people to be curious when they speak to someone who doesn't fit that demographic

Not racist in the slightest, oh no <tinkly laugh>

I generally wouldn't include it in openers no. I'm an immigrant here, the question doesn't bother me, or happen that much, because I'm white and pass a lot of people's preconceptions of Britishness. I sound a bit different to some finely attuned people but most people don't notice.

I think my experience and yours is is quite different to the experience of my OH who was born here, lived here all her life, has only her British passport but will be asked regularly "where she's really from?" because she doesn't look the part. Although the question has never been asked part of an aggressive racist interaction the continued implication that she's not really British does grate

I think though that if you've got a strong accent, which most people from most parts of Asia will have even after many years, and this question annoys your OH, then he's unfortunately going to spend alot of time being annoyed. Going by my OH experience anyway who only has to look different, not sound it as well.

My view on it is racist people don't really care about where you're from, they care about what you look like. The fact you lived all your life in Croydon and are as British as eating a kebab next to a bin doesn't matter to them. In fact stopping to consider that would poke too many holes in their illogic.

The question itself is now more widely understood to be problematic and as a consequence less people will ask than maybe asked my OH 30 years ago but I wouldn't hold my breath