Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be asked where are you from

264 replies

Tweetypie1st · 25/06/2023 01:59

For background, DH & I live in UK but originally came from South Asia several years ago. This is our home now.
So we are getting quotes for a garage conversion and we had someone come over to have a look. It was an older husband & wife team and they are telling us all sorts of stories(my understanding was trying to build a rapport) and then the guy asks where are we from. And I could tell my DH getting annoyed, so I just replied where I came from. And then he tells us more stories. And then he asks my husband what does he do? And my DH said we live here and then laughed so it doesn't get awkward. After they were gone, he was fuming saying how racist of him to ask us where are we from; we live & work here! Would it be okay if I asked him the same question? What if we were born here; he thinks it's okay to ask this question just because we have a different skin colour.

Would you ask this question to anyone, especially a stranger? Would you be offended if someone asked you that? How would you reply to the question?

OP posts:
rockywilderness · 25/06/2023 07:33

I think there’s a very big difference between where are you from and where are you really from - the first is polite, getting to know you chit chat, the second is very offensive.

Gettingfleeced · 25/06/2023 07:36

"Where are you from?" is not a racist question.

"Where are you really from?" is a racist question.

"What do you do?" is a totally normal thing to ask anyone!

BuffyTheCat · 25/06/2023 07:37

rockywilderness · 25/06/2023 07:33

I think there’s a very big difference between where are you from and where are you really from - the first is polite, getting to know you chit chat, the second is very offensive.

Yes, but how can people tell whether the first question is going to lead to the second?

Anoushkaka · 25/06/2023 07:38

I'm often mistaken for another nationality especially when I'm abroad. Really not a problem as I'm comfortable in who I am and just politely tell them what country I'm from. Really not a big deal. If I hear an accent I ask where somebody is from, not racist, just interested..

CecilyP · 25/06/2023 07:39

ListeningToTheDog · 25/06/2023 03:31

I’m American and white. When I’m asked, it’s not the same as people who are asked because of the colour of their skin. If you don’t understand that, you should really try to.

But they are unlikely to be asking because of the colour of their skin. OP and her DH actually do come from somewhere else so it is an interesting thing to talk about. Unless their English is such that no one would guess they weren’t born here.

HairyFarnbarn · 25/06/2023 07:40

I don’t think asking where you are from and what you do is racist. It’s just part of making conversation and getting to know someone.

im from a different part of the uk to where I live and I get asked this all the time due to my accent. I don’t think it’s offensive, people are just curious.

Justroundthecorner · 25/06/2023 07:43

So I get some people don’t mind. But surely it is not a requisite of anyone - brown, Scottish, scouse - to satisfy people’s curiosity.

We don’t ask people in wheelchairs ‘why are you in a wheelchair’ - or I bloody hope not. It sometimes comes up naturally. Likewise with accents and appearances. I know some people find small talk awkward but singling you out as ‘different’ is just tiresome and tedious, to me anyway.

Theraffarian · 25/06/2023 07:45

I think there’s two points at play here that overlap . Because the question of where are you from can be racist , but is also a common conversation filler within the U.K.

On that basis , I would never ask a person who wasn’t white / had a accent not from the U.K. the question in case they were offended . However I would ask a white person with an accent from another part of the U.K.

I would ask because I’m interested in your story , the geographical interest if you like of what people tell you about where they have lived. It actually is quite sad that it isn’t an open question I can ask everyone , because I find in general people are happy to talk about their home town and I like to hear little gems about places .

Even in this reply , I worry that someone will take offence at the wording of it , but I suspect in a general conversation you would be able to tell if the question was normal small talk or inherently racist.

Outandup · 25/06/2023 07:45

If you clearly have a non-British accent then I feel it’s people looking to make general chit chat and perhaps find common ground if they have travelled to where you are from, or would like to travel there.

I have a foreign accent which is still strong after more than 20 years in the UK but I’m rarely asked where I am from, but when people do they invariably say things like I’d love to go to that country/my in-laws emigrated there and I’ve been meaning to visit/we plan to go there soon/can you recommend places to visit etc.

I have travelled extensively and I am
interested to know where people are from as I like to learn about new places, maybe add them to my travel bucket list etc. Some people are just innocently curious so don’t go looking for offence when in this situation it’s highly unlikely that any was intended.

What you do for a living is the same - general chit chat - same is asked in my home country.

youveturnedupwelldone · 25/06/2023 07:46

Asking where someone is from is a well recognised racist micro aggression. Waste of time trying to discuss it on AIBU tho!

yadeciN · 25/06/2023 07:47

If you have an accent it's just normal chat and understable.
As long as it's not followed by "oh we have so many of these here now... " type of thing.
I am immigrant with accent and get asked all the time for obvious reasons. The very obvious accent.

Panteranoir · 25/06/2023 07:48

LovedmyRaleighChopper · 25/06/2023 02:48

Your husband sounds a bit ridiculous. How can it be “racist” to ask one of the most innocuous questions going, where do you come from? It’s just one of a battery of getting to know you type questions/ information sharing and unless you are deeply ashamed of your origins shouldn’t be offensive at all. If you have come from an Asian country in the last few years then your accents/clothing/home decor / manner of speaking probably indicate you are not native to UK and why wouldn’t people ask you about that if they have an interest in getting to know you? You said yourself the couple were trying to build a rapport with you. If your husband indicated he was angry with the asker and found the question offensive then it would be polite on their behalf to drop that line of questioning and move on. Hopefully they did. Your husband comes across as awkward and not very socially aware. Answering “what do you do?” another commonly used getting to know you question with “we live here” ( which is not an answer) and laughter is a bit odd and inept. I’m sure nobody would hold this against him as a relative newcomer, it takes time to learn social mores and customs in a new culture. To answer your husbands question, yes, it would be fine for you to ask the couple or the man where they came from. I was born in a country within the Uk but not the country I live in now and am frequently asked where I came from as my accent doesn’t match the region I now live in. It’s a normal human interaction to be curious about each other.
In short, yes I would ask this question and frequently have. No I’m not offended when people ask me it as I’m proud of my roots. I reply by telling them where I was born and how I ended up where I am, the long version if I’m feeling chatty and have time, the short version if I’m short of time or a long conversation isn’t socially appropriate.
This is going to come up again sometime so if I were you I’d work on how you want to deal with it with your husband. It’s not an offensive or intrinsically racist question though.

Show quote history

This is a very well written response.

It's a normal human interaction and they probably just ask everyone that question trying to get to know them before a job.

I have a very neutral accent and get asked it all the time.

To be blunt I think people like your husband who can find racism in even the most innocuous exchange make life worse for everyone. Those people would probably be really upset to be thought of as racist, they probably thought they were being friendly and open and inviting conversation.

But whatever, obviously just dont give them the work if their questions were so offensive surely?

ExFacebookFriend · 25/06/2023 07:48

I can understand you'd be annoyed with him for being a nosey fucker, but I don't get where the racist bit is coming into play?

yadeciN · 25/06/2023 07:49

youveturnedupwelldone · 25/06/2023 07:46

Asking where someone is from is a well recognised racist micro aggression. Waste of time trying to discuss it on AIBU tho!

It's not necessarily micro aggression. It's a normal chat in most cases. It depends on how it's said and what follows

Ragged · 25/06/2023 07:49

I get asked Where I'm From all the time, almost daily, due to my foreign accent. I am not offended. I got asked about my occupation when I registered for dentist, 2 days ago. I have no idea why. She seemed to think it was an exciting job.

If I think someone is from my country, or if I find their accent interesting / puzzling, I will ask where they are from. One gal I interviewed for a job had a lovely accent (British, far from here) I didn't recognise so I asked her. She happened to be non-white, but then so are most the applicants.

Qilin · 25/06/2023 07:50

I wouldn't ask many people as I know it can cause offence and potentially upset people. However, if someone who I believe is from the uk, but not local - due to accent, etc. I might ask in passing, just making small talk. Same as things like what do you do, are you off on holiday soon, any plans this weekend, etc.

I have been asked when visiting other towns and cities within the uk, and when travelling abroad. It doesn't bother me but I'm white, clearly white British to look at/hear, and haven't experienced casual racism throughout my life, which I know changes things.

LubaLuca · 25/06/2023 07:50

IsGoodIsDon · 25/06/2023 02:24

I’m white but I get asked where I’m from all the time when they hear my accent

Me too. My accent is unusual where I live, I often get asked where I'm from. It's an easy conversation starter I suppose. Inevitably people say "Oh, lovely," even though most have no idea where my hometown is. Some will know it and then we're in a conversation.

Asking what you do is another perfectly innocuous conversation starter. No need to be evasive, it's how people connect when there's very little to go on.

DressHlp · 25/06/2023 07:50

I don’t live in my home country anymore and I get this question all the time. I also had it in my home country because of my skin color. So I don’t have reason to be offended where I live now, but equally I believe some of these people would be asking based on skin color even if my accent wasn’t unusual.

If I hadn’t had both experiences, I imagine I’d find it an entirely innocent question as well.

Tohaveandtohold · 25/06/2023 07:50

I’m black and a naturalised British citizen so only moved to England 12 years ago and I get asked this and can’t take offence as it’s just part of having a conversation, neither does DH as we still obviously have an accent.
Our children were born in England and they’ve never been to our home country though obviously they’re black but have a British accent and I remember visiting the US and when my daughter was speaking to someone, they asked if she was from England as she had a British accent. If she likes, she can talk about where her parents are from, etc.
What could obviously be offensive is if you ask my daughter for example where she’s from and she says ‘England’ and you start quizzing her further like expecting that someone who’s black can’t be just British.

Gymmum82 · 25/06/2023 07:50

It’s just normal conversation. I work with people from all over the world and will ask where they are from. I’ll also ask where abouts in said country they are from. Not because I’m racist. Because I’m interested and love to travel and if I happen to be in said city I’ll think ‘oh x said they were from there. I’ll ask them for recommendations of places to go etc’

Christ you can’t even have a conversation these days without someone getting offended. It’s really tiresome

Copasetic · 25/06/2023 07:53

I am white, have only lived in one town and have an uninteresting accent so no one would ever ask me this question. However I might ask someone with an unusual accent if they were white. I would never ask someone with dark skin as this would be opening up a whole can of worms as your husband proved.

Ragged · 25/06/2023 07:53

ps: in my culture, asking what people do for a living happens constantly, it's considered a harmless getting-to-know you question. We talk about our jobs like British people talk about the weather. I find it weird that British people ask about your job so rarely.

Isn't there something in far east about asking everyone their age, and then the pronouns change once they know if you are older or younger, because age difference is important part of social relationships and needs to be determined for any conversation that lasts more than 3 minutes.

Justroundthecorner · 25/06/2023 07:53

When you ask

Where are you from?

you are really saying

you are not from here.

’here’ can mean Village, or City, or Regional Area. Or country.

Accent, dialect and regional language are all used to include. Think about Mumsnet. There is language on here particular to MN - that’s why people start threads with ‘penis beaker, cutted up pear, elderly Korean lady.’ It’s a way of saying ‘I am one of you.’

The flip side of that is language and accent and sadly yes skin colour is also used to exclude.

But people won’t see it. Until it is them wearily answering seven times a day they were born here.

continentallentil · 25/06/2023 07:54

I wouldn’t ask as a rule because it’s not if my business, but it sounds like the two of them were just trying to build a rapport. If you don’t have UK accents, I don’t think there’s any reason to think it’s racism - it was just part of a broader conversation.

Qilin · 25/06/2023 07:55

youveturnedupwelldone · 25/06/2023 07:46

Asking where someone is from is a well recognised racist micro aggression. Waste of time trying to discuss it on AIBU tho!

It can be, yes. Hence why I wouldn't ask the question to some people.

It isn't always though and is often just a normal, small talk, type question asked to anyone who you don't know what born/lived local. And it isn't something only asked by people here, it's a world wide used small talk/introduction/getting to know you type comment.