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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

453 replies

Padstow58 · 24/06/2023 11:50

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:
WTFAreYouForReal · 24/06/2023 23:40

LilyTuesday

I had a baby shower on the day of my neighbours funeral (well they lived directly opposite) the only issue really for them was that they had to walk a little up the road to the funeral cars as my guests had parked along the road and took a lot of the space. As a mark of respect, when they were leaving all the guests at my party went out the front to wave them off. I think it helped them that we provided a visual reminder that life still goes on. My baby shower was over by the time they got back to the house where they had the after party and they were partying themselves long after my guests were! Keep the party OP. Your daughter only gets to turn 13 once. My baby only got once chance of a shower. I was due 3 weeks later. Life goes on 💐

This has to be the worst thing I've ever read on here, and that's saying something. Fuck me.

pinkginfizz9 · 24/06/2023 23:53

I think you are setting a horrible example to your daughter

pinkginfizz9 · 25/06/2023 00:01

Toddlerteaplease · 24/06/2023 13:34

Life goes on, they aren't your family. Be respectful but don't cancel, and I do t think you should have to stay in doors. This is not the Victorian era. Take some flowers and a card, if you'd have done that anyway.

They aren't family but they are neighbours and friends

Whatifitallgoesright · 25/06/2023 00:48

Huh. Stealth boast. A detached house. So your neighbours are miles away and can't hear anything.

Look, it was a joke for me.ok.

Timeforchangeithink · 25/06/2023 01:16

WTFAreYouForReal · 24/06/2023 23:40

LilyTuesday

I had a baby shower on the day of my neighbours funeral (well they lived directly opposite) the only issue really for them was that they had to walk a little up the road to the funeral cars as my guests had parked along the road and took a lot of the space. As a mark of respect, when they were leaving all the guests at my party went out the front to wave them off. I think it helped them that we provided a visual reminder that life still goes on. My baby shower was over by the time they got back to the house where they had the after party and they were partying themselves long after my guests were! Keep the party OP. Your daughter only gets to turn 13 once. My baby only got once chance of a shower. I was due 3 weeks later. Life goes on 💐

This has to be the worst thing I've ever read on here, and that's saying something. Fuck me.

Flipping heck that must be a wind up

WTFAreYouForReal · 25/06/2023 08:20

Once I read further posts, I thought so too.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 25/06/2023 08:35

LilyTuesday · 24/06/2023 14:33

The car situation couldn’t be helped to be honest. It’s a main road and a few of our guests had young children with them so couldn’t park further away. It’s very much a first come first served area for parking.

Show quote history

Do they or their children not have legs?

Zebedee55 · 25/06/2023 08:38

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 24/06/2023 20:00

Yet people on this thread who have experienced sudden grief have said they wouldn't care if their neighbours had a party.

Personally I would find it incredibly strange if my neighbour decided not to have a planned party just because my DH (or another close relative) had died. Likewise if they carried on with their plans, it wouldn't occur to me to take it personally or to be offended.

Grief is horrendous and nobody is saying otherwise, but it's not wrong for other people's lives to carry on around you.

Show quote history

Yes, and I felt the same. My life has collapsed since DH died, but I do get that life, for others, goes on. My loss is not their loss.

Of course it does.

I would ask the girls to try and keep the noise down after a set hour though.

To be fair to my neighbours, they have all been thoughtful and considerate.

It was more the behaviour of the guests at the baby shower that I didn't get.😗

Sceptre86 · 25/06/2023 08:41

The living still have to live and a sleepover for a primary aged school child in the garden isn't a big deal plus you have a detached home anyway. If it was a preplanned bbq with loud music or a teenage house party then I would cancel but this isn't that.

Zebedee55 · 25/06/2023 08:42

It's a party for a 13 year old - not a primary school age child.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 25/06/2023 08:43

HundredMilesAnHour · 24/06/2023 13:21

No-one is suggesting "life grinds to a halt", just having some consideration for a woman whose husband died just a few hours earlier.

Show quote history

Having consideration doesn’t mean having to curtail or cancel your own social events. Have it indoors as others said. It’s only a neighbour, if one of my neighbours died I’d think it was sad but carry on as normal - indoors.

Qilin · 25/06/2023 08:45

FannyBawz · 24/06/2023 17:46

^ this.

I think many people on this thread have never suffered any close bereavement in partner or parents.

Many responses are so callous and selfish.

bereavement comes to us all in the end: how would YOU like to be treated?

When we were going through bereavement, what the neighbours were doing wasn't on my mind. As said before, as FIL was dying and I was breaking the news to my dd, all we could hear was outside noise, laughter and chatter. It wasn't important to us.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 25/06/2023 08:46

I would ask the girls to try and keep the noise down after a set hour though.

To be fair though, that should be happening regardless of what's going on next door.

Sceptre86 · 25/06/2023 08:46

Apologies just saw your child is 13.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 25/06/2023 08:48

No one on here would cancel anything, they’re just trying to virtue signal to make themselves sound good. I see “selfish” has reared its head again, nope didn’t care about being branded selfish during Covid, still don’t.

the death of a neighbour is of course sad but nothing anyone would cancel normal plans for, no matter what they pretend on here.

drpet49 · 25/06/2023 08:51

Clymene · 24/06/2023 19:01

I'm not saying she's going to need therapy for it. I'm just saying that she has a brilliant moment when it's her birthday AND it's a weekend AND she's 13! And her mum has said she can have a sleepover in the garden and the weather is gorgeous and it's going to be beautiful and magical. So she's spent ages planning and invited lots of friends and they've been chatting for ages about what they're going to do and they're planning their outfits.

And you and a load of other people are suggesting she should cancel it because the old man who lived next door died.

It's fucking batshit.

Show quote history

I agree. I would be cancelling or postponing. Life goes on.

MumUndone · 25/06/2023 08:59

It's in no way disrespectful to hold the party. Maybe your DH is finding an excuse to cancel!

neverbeenskiing · 25/06/2023 08:59

I work in a school, honestly groups of 13 year old girls scream, sing at the top of their voices and screech with laughter a lot just moving around school on a normal day! It's very unlikely you'll get them to be quiet by 10pm at a party in a tent outside. They will be excited and giddy and loud, and that's fine because it's supposed to be fun. I definitely wouldn't cancel, but I would move the party indoors.

Macaroni46 · 25/06/2023 10:13

WTFAreYouForReal · 24/06/2023 23:40

LilyTuesday

I had a baby shower on the day of my neighbours funeral (well they lived directly opposite) the only issue really for them was that they had to walk a little up the road to the funeral cars as my guests had parked along the road and took a lot of the space. As a mark of respect, when they were leaving all the guests at my party went out the front to wave them off. I think it helped them that we provided a visual reminder that life still goes on. My baby shower was over by the time they got back to the house where they had the after party and they were partying themselves long after my guests were! Keep the party OP. Your daughter only gets to turn 13 once. My baby only got once chance of a shower. I was due 3 weeks later. Life goes on 💐

This has to be the worst thing I've ever read on here, and that's saying something. Fuck me.

That's awful. Your guests should've parked further away to allow the funeral cars the close access. Can't believed you waved either.
As for, "my baby only had once chance of a baby shower". What a load of bollocks. Your baby knew nothing of the shower. A baby shower is all about the mother being given gifts. A recent American consumerist import and entirely unnecessary.

darkmodeon · 25/06/2023 10:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

bringincrazyback · 25/06/2023 10:41

I'm not trying to be the thread police here but some people really need to RTFT!

SkyAboveSoBlue · 25/06/2023 11:30

I'm not trying to be the thread police here but some people really need to RTFT!

Its 17 pages long. It would be easier if posters didn’t play silly fuckers with their ‘reverses’. 🙄

GoodChat · 25/06/2023 11:38

SkyAboveSoBlue · 25/06/2023 11:30

I'm not trying to be the thread police here but some people really need to RTFT!

Its 17 pages long. It would be easier if posters didn’t play silly fuckers with their ‘reverses’. 🙄

And then claim it's just their humour...

Teder · 25/06/2023 11:59

GoodChat · 25/06/2023 11:38

And then claim it's just their humour...

Show quote history

I don’t think the poster who lost their child thinks it humour…
It sounds like she was showing that a lot of people give no thought to others and the impact it can have.

SkyAboveSoBlue · 25/06/2023 12:05

I don’t think the poster who lost their child thinks it humour…
It sounds like she was showing that a lot of people give no thought to others and the impact it can have.

That poster said it was an attempt at dark humour. It was apparently all a reverse. It was fucking ridiculous.