AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

@saraclara

I feel the same. The neighbour would not be in a position to answer a question like that truthfully.

I’m so sorry with what you have gone through

I’m glad you know there are plenty of people on your side and agree your neighbours behaviour was disgusting.

It's difficult.

I remember a Christmas when I was about 10. My parents' friend turned up asking to use the phone to call his dad overseas...found out his dad had just died in the night.
I and my siblings had to spend Christmas in our bedrooms while our parents ' friend sat in a state of shock in our living room, most of the day.

Years later, when I had a sudden bereavement, I discovered it's very unusual for anyone to show consideration or respect or care for the state of shock the bereaved is suffering.

I think it must be possible to find something in between. Certainly showing the neighbour that you care, letting her know that it's happening and that you'll ask them to keep it down, is the bare minimum.

I suggest ensuring all noisy celebrations are indoors then making it clear all children have to sleep indoors if there's any noise after 10 pm.

Also, I wouldn't ask the neighbour what she'd prefer, as it's unfair to put such a decision into her hands at such a time.

Some awareness and apology can go a long way, though.

Most of all we need validation and care at such a time.

I agree with this

I'd do this, too.

I'm guessing that the party is long since underway or cancelled by now! Probably the former given most peoples views on this thread.

And forever more the OP's daughter will remember the fact that her 13th birthday was ruined because the elderly man next door died.

Oh don't be ridiculous. How is changing the plans a bit or postponing the party a few days ruining her birthday "forever more"?

If she remembered it at all you'd hope it was that she and her family had shown a bit of compassion when the man next door died

At the very least I would have cancelled the sleep over in the tent in the garden, if not the whole party. A 13 year old is of sufficient age to understand that you should be considerate the day someone is bereaved. You could all say go to a local park instead to cut a cake etc.

OP, let us know what you decided.

I would move it indoors.

You and DH can sleep in the tent in the garden and they can have the run of the house. They might like that idea!

I wonder how many of the people posting they would cancel talk to every single one of their neighbours and ask about their families enough that they would know if their neighbour was mourning someone. Spouse, parent, sibling etc. I also bet most of them wouldn't cancel their own childs birthday party because of a death in a neighbours family.

Mumsnet can be ridiculous at times. I'm sure there was a thread once from a landlord that had tenants that couldn't pay their rent and mumsnetters were up in arms saying the land lord was too privileged and should gift their house to their non-paying tenants. People get all falsely virtuous.

Don't go round and ask her to join the party, thats insane. Have a respectful party as planned. I'm sure several other neighbours will be out having drinks and BBQs etc. It's hot and sunny out, end of exams.

because of a death in a neighbours family.

He was the man who lived next door, where his wife still lives. It wasn't a random aunt who lives in a different country.

This is a good idea. Not just the gift, but letting her know that this is a pre planned birthday party, not the kids deciding on a whim to have friends round.

I think the point is that the OP is close enough to her neighbours to know the gentleman was hospitalised and died suddenly (yesterday/today).

How would you act if you knew a child had died next door? Would that be different or would you continue with the 'respectful' garden party?

Yes, the man who lived next door.

We don't know how long he'd lived there or how much contact he'd had with the birthday girl.

This isn't Tobermory

We do know her mother seems to have been in pretty much daily contact since his illness and his widow came to tell them within hours of his death. Don't pretend it was someone they barely knew.

I'm not saying she's going to need therapy for it. I'm just saying that she has a brilliant moment when it's her birthday AND it's a weekend AND she's 13! And her mum has said she can have a sleepover in the garden and the weather is gorgeous and it's going to be beautiful and magical. So she's spent ages planning and invited lots of friends and they've been chatting for ages about what they're going to do and they're planning their outfits.

And you and a load of other people are suggesting she should cancel it because the old man who lived next door died.

It's fucking batshit.

Not because the old man who lived next door died.

As a considerate and kind act towards his living widow, who lost her husband in the night overnight, hasn’t slept, won’t know which way is up, and deserves some peace and to be able to open a window in her home this afternoon and evening, and to be able to attempt to sleep tonight in the bed she shared for many years with her husband, who won’t be in it with her tonight.

What’s fucking batshit is all of you not understanding that.

Oh Lily I'm sorry for what you went through! Your neighbours' behaviour was beyond the pale.

Why is everyone assuming they were super close? Just because she's asked how he's doing since knowing he was unwell doesn't mean they spoke often before.

For all you know they exchange pleasantries in the driveway when see eachother and OP saw an ambulance picking him up and taking him to hospital and has asked when she's seen the wife how he's doing since so wife let her know as she'd been asking.

Also doesn't mean all neighbours know. Why should OP tell her 13yo she can't have her birthday party because a man next door thats possibly practically a stranger to her died? Especially if the next neighbour along may be having a BBQ/party outside themselves.

Yes neighbour will be desperately sad. Yes it would be nice to drop off a card and meal. She will have family with her, let her know to contact you if she needs anything. But cancelling the party isn't needed.

The problem is we all deal with grief differently. Even people on this thread who have all experienced similar when losing their partners have had differing views of how they would have liked people to behave. There's no generic right or wrong.

I would show respect to a ndn a few hours after the death of a spouse even if I didn't know them at all. Teenagers knowingly partying loudly just feet away from a very recently, as in hours, grieving window is very bad behaviour.

If you dont as an adult, understand why, your parents did a poor job.

Yet people on this thread who have experienced sudden grief have said they wouldn't care if their neighbours had a party.

Personally I would find it incredibly strange if my neighbour decided not to have a planned party just because my DH (or another close relative) had died. Likewise if they carried on with their plans, it wouldn't occur to me to take it personally or to be offended.

Grief is horrendous and nobody is saying otherwise, but it's not wrong for other people's lives to carry on around you.

I wasn't personally offended the night my neighbours had a party following my mums death. However it did mean I went about 48 hours with no sleep so it made my life much harder than it otherwise would have been.

People are in mourning every single day
You may not even know a neighbour is in mourning, should you never have a party outdoors in case?
It's also your daughter's only 13th...