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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

453 replies

Padstow58 · 24/06/2023 11:50

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 24/06/2023 16:57

I agree with your DH. Cancel the party.

Fizbosshoes · 24/06/2023 17:09

I don't think you should cancel but my DD has had several sleepovers in a tent for her birthday (she's 16) and I'm afraid they are fairly noisy, even with lots of reminders to keep the noise down. I could still hear them at 3am one year (I'm a light sleeper) I apologised to my neighbours although they said they didn't hear anything.

LadyEloise1 · 24/06/2023 17:11

Berlinlover · 24/06/2023 12:12

I wouldn’t cancel the party but I’d move it indoors. Not in a million years would I even consider a party in my back garden when my neighbour was in mourning, it seems such a callous thing to do.

I agree with you.

tigger1001 · 24/06/2023 17:12

I wouldn't cancel the party, but I would bring the sleepover indoors.

I would speak to your dd and her friends and ask them to be mindful and to keep the noise down.

Trinity65 · 24/06/2023 17:28

LilyTuesday · 24/06/2023 15:37

They were adults. Who in their right minds would expect the safety of young children being compromised ?? I did make 2 guests actually remove the cars parked directly outside their house though as they were parked on the pavement which meant the funeral family needed to walk into the road. Soon as they were past that bit they parked back there again.

Show quote history

Are you and your friends actually for real?!

What a self centred group you all are.

Zebedee55 · 24/06/2023 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HangingOver · 24/06/2023 17:30

Why can’t the lady be involved in the party?

This is so weird. Who wants to go to a party of 14 y.os on the day their DH has passed?

Coyoacan · 24/06/2023 17:33

There have been a few threads lately that have made me think that the UK has gone to hell in a handcart and this is one of them of the worst.

What would be the harm in putting the sleepover off for a few days rather than having it on the very day when your neighbour is absorbing the news of her bereavement?

Clymene · 24/06/2023 17:37

Coyoacan · 24/06/2023 17:33

There have been a few threads lately that have made me think that the UK has gone to hell in a handcart and this is one of them of the worst.

What would be the harm in putting the sleepover off for a few days rather than having it on the very day when your neighbour is absorbing the news of her bereavement?

And forever more the OP's daughter will remember the fact that her 13th birthday was ruined because the elderly man next door died.

SleeplessinScarbourough · 24/06/2023 17:38

Keep the party but don’t helicopter with noise reminders or stress it too much to DD because it will spoil their fun and she may feel responsible for policing her friends at her own party. Just let them enjoy themselves and make any apologies yourself to the neighbours afterwards. And if you haven’t already put a note in the card about keeping the noise down - don’t

Zebedee55 · 24/06/2023 17:39

Clymene · 24/06/2023 17:37

And forever more the OP's daughter will remember the fact that her 13th birthday was ruined because the elderly man next door died.

Show quote history

Oh dear, How sad. Never mind. It's about learning respect for others - a valuable lesson in life.

Newbutoldfather · 24/06/2023 17:40

@Coyoacan ,

I couldn’t agree more.

I don’t know why we are so different in our attitude to noise than most of our European neighbours, anyway. In Paris, there is a no noise after 8PM rule, and they stick to it. There are so many venues a party can be hosted at where they don’t disturb others. And, if you live in a detached house and are indoors, unless the noise level is ridiculous, you won’t disturb others. Why on Earth sleep in tents outside where others are bound to be inconvenienced?!

We have come a long way from where an entire community would go into mourning.

Nowadays, ‘having a life’ (which roughly translates as doing what please you, Reba of its effects on others is actually seen as a legitimate excuse, rather than the puerile excuse that it actually is.

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 24/06/2023 17:44

I feel like a lot of the responses would be different if a baby or child had tragically died next door. Would the 'life goes on' cohort be quite so comfortable in those circumstances? (Probably - depressingly).

But because it's a middle aged or older person it doesn't matter.

People are also using examples like 'we went ahead with my child's party when my MIL died' which is not the same thing at all. You're related to the person who died and are in control of the decisions regarding the party. Your child's party is not impacting a bereaved stranger/acquaintance next door.

FannyBawz · 24/06/2023 17:46

^ this.

I think many people on this thread have never suffered any close bereavement in partner or parents.

Many responses are so callous and selfish.

bereavement comes to us all in the end: how would YOU like to be treated?

manilowmagic · 24/06/2023 17:53

And forever more the OP's daughter will remember the fact that her 13th birthday was ruined because the elderly man next door died.

Surely only the most shallow and self centred human being (like one person on his thread) would feel that way forever more? Even if upset now, can you really imagine a person thinking of it that way in the future? About a 13th birthday party been postponned? More likely she would feel proud of herself in later life for being so kind and considerate to a newly bereaved neighbour. The only way I can imagine her feeling bad was if it went ahead regardless, and she later thought how insensitive she had been (as all teenagers are to a degree of course, but they grow out of it)?

MinnieMountain · 24/06/2023 17:54

When my DM died suddenly at the age of 69, I didn’t give a crap about other people like neighbours @FannyBawz . It was all about who I wanted with me.

LilyTuesday · 24/06/2023 18:00

To this day, my own situation makes me seethe with anger. My post was my poor attempt at dark humour (coping mechanism) it is a reverse of my own situation.
On the day that we held the funeral for my DAUGHTER that was born sleeping at 28 weeks, the house across the road held a BABY SHOWER. Would not remove their guests cars when asked kindly. And really did stand in the garden and wave us off. Every post here, I have included all of the reasons that they believed excused their despicable actions of that day. Including ‘there is no community anymore’ - the day after, when we basically had a fall out over the entire selfish episode. Humanity at its worse.
my real thoughts on this are to either postpone the sleeping outside part to another day, or not to have them outside at all. Considering that they will be disrupting neighbours regardless of their situation. Having a bunch of 13 year olds in a tent outside is not considerate of anyone at all.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 24/06/2023 18:01

FannyBawz · 24/06/2023 17:46

^ this.

I think many people on this thread have never suffered any close bereavement in partner or parents.

Many responses are so callous and selfish.

bereavement comes to us all in the end: how would YOU like to be treated?

I didn't care what my neighbours were doing and probably wouldn't have even noticed if the King turned up next door while I was grieving.

Clymene · 24/06/2023 18:02

FannyBawz · 24/06/2023 17:46

^ this.

I think many people on this thread have never suffered any close bereavement in partner or parents.

Many responses are so callous and selfish.

bereavement comes to us all in the end: how would YOU like to be treated?

My dad died less than a year ago. He was an old man and while it was terribly sad and a shock, he had led a good and long life. As a family we were very sad. But we would never ever have wanted a child to miss out because we had lost someone

The OP's daughter has had her birthday party planned for weeks. For one of the very few times in her short life, her birthday falls on a Saturday so her party is on her actual birthday! And she's a teenager for the first time ever.

I would never ever begrudge a child happiness and excitement and celebration because of a loss of someone they barely know.

Sure, be considerate and make sure they keep the noise down after 10pm with the threat that they have to come in if they are loud but that's all.

neilyoungismyhero · 24/06/2023 18:02

No offence intended but yet again people can't talk to each other.
She's your neighbour you've been 'neighbourly' close. Surely you could knock on the door and offer your condolences and mention the proposed party in the garden later on...it may be it would be upsetting and she might decide to go home with her sister. Maybe she's fine with a bit of noise..you won't know if you don't ask her. Honestly no one seems able to verbalise anything anymore it's all ask strangers on the Internet. Funny old world.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 24/06/2023 18:02

Coyoacan · 24/06/2023 17:33

There have been a few threads lately that have made me think that the UK has gone to hell in a handcart and this is one of them of the worst.

What would be the harm in putting the sleepover off for a few days rather than having it on the very day when your neighbour is absorbing the news of her bereavement?

Maybe they can't have it another day for various reasons.

saraclara · 24/06/2023 18:04

In all honesty, if a bunch of teenaged girls had had a party in the garden next door all evening in the day my husband died, I'd have struggled hugely.

Before he died I'd have said the same as others here. But having been there, I think if I'd heard a bunch of girls screaming and laughing (and they will) for hours, on that day, I'd probably have sobbed all evening. I wanted the world to go away. I wanted peace and quiet. I could not have been logical about anything that day.

manilowmagic · 24/06/2023 18:04

I think many people on this thread have never suffered any close bereavement in partner or parents.

Many responses are so callous and selfish.

bereavement comes to us all in the end: how would YOU like to be treated?

Just wanted to thank you FannyBawz and others for restoring my faith in human nature. The callousness of others had really upset me deeply, but posts like yours have made me realise not everyone is like that... some people are kind, some don't even believe a baby shower trumps a funeral!

saraclara · 24/06/2023 18:07

neilyoungismyhero · 24/06/2023 18:02

No offence intended but yet again people can't talk to each other.
She's your neighbour you've been 'neighbourly' close. Surely you could knock on the door and offer your condolences and mention the proposed party in the garden later on...it may be it would be upsetting and she might decide to go home with her sister. Maybe she's fine with a bit of noise..you won't know if you don't ask her. Honestly no one seems able to verbalise anything anymore it's all ask strangers on the Internet. Funny old world.

If my neighbor had knocked on my door to talk about a party (after giving condolences) I'd just have gawped at her and not known what to say. I'd almost certainly have ended up saying it was okay, because I'd know it was expected of me.
Then every laugh, every squeal would have gone through me like a knife.

CuteOrangeElephant · 24/06/2023 18:09

No way I would continue with the party. I would postpone the sleeping over bit to a different day and then have your daughter celebrate with an activity out of the house. Like a cinema trip or something like that.