AIBU not to cancel DD's party despite the house next door being in mourning?

[Padstow58]

It's my DD's birthday today. 13 and very excited. For weeks she's been planning a party at our house and for 8 girls to sleep over in the tent in our garden. She's decorated our garden and it's all ready.

Next door are a retired couple and a few weeks ago, he was taken into hospital. We've been keeping in touch with the lady neighbour so have been aware that he's not been doing too well.

This morning she let me know he died in the night.

DH now says they are a house of mourning and it would be disrespectful to hold a party next door.

But I think, as sad as it is, that it's not fair to cancel DD's party that she's been planning and looking forward to for so long.

We are detached and I'll make sure they are quiet out there after 10pm so hopefully they won't be disturbed too much by it all.

Does that sound reasonable?

MAYBE if the party was themed where they were all dressing up as ghouls, ghosts, zombies and the living dead and you were decorating it with tombstones and coffins could it be said to be inappropriate.

Or if you caught the girls being disrespectful by yelling "who's got a dead husband?" over the hedge then I'd be angry.

The noise argument could apply to practically any situation though. There are solutions to noisy neighbours even if you are in the midst of grief.

The vast majority of people who are in sympathy with the bereaved neighbor aren't saying cancel it. They are saying move it indoors. That seems to me to be a sensible and sensitive compromise.

Do not cancel. I bet the guy be upset his death means your DD misses her birthday party. Just try and be quieter x

I see what you're saying but I mean it's about more than being personally offended. Offending someone isn't the only way to make their life hard.

My neighbours weren't generally noisy, it was the only party they ever had in more than a year of living there! It didn't ruin our relationship. I just didn't have the strength to go round and speak to them in my immediate grief.

Every event was NOT cancelled
The day after the death, our local University had graduations. They had a 2 minute silence before each but they most certainly didn't stop

@LilyTuesday I had guessed that you were speaking from personal experience. What awful awful people. 💐

And many also said, even if they didnt take it personally, it made it more difficult for them. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would err on the site of caution and show some common decency and respect.

Grief is horrendous and those around you showing just a little compassion might not help but it perhaps will not make it even worse.

But equally others have said they'd prefer things to carry on as normal - so what you see as being compassionate, otherwise would find awkward and embarassing.

I'd be mortfied if my neighbours had cancelled plans because I was grieving. I'd have found it so embarrassing and like they were drawing unwanted attention to my situation - I just wanted people to carry on as usual, not focus on me.

My ds at 13 would have completely understood if his party had to come indoors as a compromise.

If ops dd doesn't get that it is a perfect time to learn about respect, she is 13 not 3 and perfectly capable of understanding it is unfortunate but compromising is the right thing to do in the circumstances.

They don't know there was an outdoor party planned so won't know it has been moved indoors so there is no need for them to be "mortified".

Most people would say to go ahead with the party as they would like to see if cancelled, but that doesn't mean it doesn't make it harder for them if the noise is disturbing them.

As I said, erring on the site of caution, being the party indoors not cancel, is the respectful thing to do in the circumstances.

And now we're insulting parents, classy 😂

They're not expecting the widow to host the bloody party. They're not planning on knocking on her door and expecting her to be celebrating with them. They can show respect by dropping off a card and a meal and offering condolences. To be clear, not cake, do not give a widow cake on the day her DH died. But they can respectfully allow the daughter to celebrate her birthday. If they are quiet leave them out, noisy bring them in. There's no reason to cancel altogether.

They seem to live in detached houses so noise shouldn't carry. God forbid she lived next to a pub, should the pub owners be expected to close their pub for the evening lest the widow hear people who don't know her living their lives?

As I said, erring on the site of caution, being the party indoors not cancel, is the respectful thing to do in the circumstances.

But there's no universal way to be respectful. Moving a party indoors may be something you find respectful but clearly not everyone thinks the same way.

I would carry on as normal because that's what I'd expect from my own neighbours - and yes, I do say that from experience. In fact, I felt comforted by the fact that other people were carrying on as usual - I found it quite reassuring.

You might want to read all their posts. Particularly the one where they suggested the grieving widow should come round to the 13 year old's birthday party and tell the assembled girls heartwarming takes about her husband

Aww I'm imagining that poor woman sitting inside in silence hearing children squealing outside. I know life goes on, but I don't think she needs to be reminded of that on the very day her husband died. Especially after she kept you informed of his progress and then his death. "I'm sorry for your loss. Anyway...party time!" Feels a bit insensitive.

It sounds like you might have missed one of LilyTuesday's posts... quite a significant one, as it happens.

Is it though? You don't come on to be a knob then say "oh I was a knob because people totally unrelated to this thread were knobs to me. It just is so weird.

I read all their posts @bringincrazyback

You might want to too and think about if their last post rings true

Exactly

Oh fuck @LilyTuesday I posted without reading the thread. I'll ask for my post to be removed.

I'm so sorry.

Agree!

I have no words about those neighbours of yours, well not polite ones.

I am so very sorry for your sad loss of your precious baby and the subsequent additional trauma inflicted upon you by your ‘community’.

I did. It rang true for me, personally.