AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

Whenever my friends are looking for new relationships, I always tell them not to get with a man who already has children.

I have two stepchildren and it is generally such a burden, which sounds horrid but their mothers never respect me, tell me to back off but in the next breath that I need to step up. It's exhausting.

However, the eldest is now 16 and is such a delight. He will go out of his way to chat to me, he messages me and he has just asked me for some help getting organised for prom. I love him and care about it, it just isn't always easy.

How does she feel about her step mum?

That's a very honest post and I'm pleasantly surprised by the (mostly) positive replies.
I think the 'set up' when you get together makes a massive difference so eg a single man, no children, might find it relatively easy to 'blend' with a single mum to a 2 year old, with no dad on the scene. I'd imagine he would slip into the daddy role. I know several families like this and lm pretty sure the dads consider those children their own.
Compare that to mum with say resident DD13 and DS6 Relationship with BF strengthens and they want to live together. He has a rental, she owns her 3 bed home. He moves in (he's been staying over a lot anyway) but he wants his kid over at the weekend. He has a DD10. Where's she going to sleep? So now they decide to buy a home together but mum is happy where she is and her kids don't want to move. He says the 'girls' can share a bedroom. He doesn't like your DS6 coming into mums bedroom. Mum thinks hes just a little boy. His daughter has a better phone than yours, whos older. You want to go away in July he wants to go in August so his DD can come too (but shes going away with her mum and SD in July).
.....Ahhh!

I get all relationships cost but I think it would be unrealistic to expect an adult to develop anything close to love for a child that doesnt live with them full time and is older. That doesn't mean you wouldn't grow fond of each other. I cared for my exs 2 boys whilst we were together, but within a year of separating there was no contact. No falling out and we bump into each other from time to time and it's always positive but we don't love each other, we never did.

It’s the ‘stepping over’ the step child bit that has gained the negative reaction though. If we were talking about going left to save SC or right to save own DC it’s a natural response. But actively stepping over SC to get to your own when you could take both is not genes, it’s being a shitty person. I doubt OP meant she’d literally do that though.

But I would.

Hence why I will never ever be a step parent. For the child’s sake. My children’s sake. And my sake

Well yes I just meant that nobody is burning children on a regular basis! And yes I would, I’d never put somebody else’s kid over my child..ever

It’s hard but it’s not the kids’ fault. They’ve gone through two massive changes - a divorce (or a bereavement) and a stranger coming into their lives which would be hard if said stranger did ‘want them’ let alone the alternative. If you have the attitude that step kids have ‘no benefit to you’ maybe don’t get with the dad? If he is a good dad his kids will be his priority like yours are. My brother’s new wife loves his kids and her little boy blend in so well with my niece and nephew. My brother is a very hands on dad though but I’m glad I have that example to draw from because this thread is not a nice one.

I’ve recently just watched Louise Pentland’s video on how she was horrendously abused and mistreated by her step mum and I just wonder why even stay with a bloke if you secretly resent his children :/

@jfshu no - I'm not a psychopath

If I was, he wouldn't be in my house at all

He's utterly thrilled here, I've just made him a bacon sandwich and we're going to the local shopping centre shortly to get him new trainers. We'll have a movie night this evening with pizza, then I'll give him a lift over to his mate's house, and probably pick him back up again at midnight

I will sacrifice my evening to ensure he's secure and happy, and then I'll wave him off to his mother tomorrow

He'd still make a fairly good human shield, hopefully I don't need to utilise him

You aren’t the OP, or even a step parent… so I’m not sure why you need to reaffirm you’d be a horrible step parent. Enjoy not being one, im happy for you!

Well the poster has come back and said that's their genuine feelings so it could be real.

My point was that it's those type of vile comments that I'm judging. Of course there's nothing wrong with finding being a step parent hard or having struggles.

Everybody has struggles parenting but some of the comments here are ott and I genuinely believe some people should not have become step parents.

@oodlesofpotnoodles hilarious, I'm sure you'll be preforming in a theatre near me soon.

Worst thing I ever did! It's not the sdc that are the problem either. It's watching a car crash and not being able to do anything about it and being the bad guy for pointing out the car crash.. a bit like being the person pointing out the alcoholic is an alcoholic and needs help. You get shot. I'd never do it again.

I also am not the most laid back of people. I think if you genuinely don't give a shit about your house being trashed, spoken to like shit - by all parties inc the sdc, don't care about whether sdc need feeding/washing/putting to bed, don't care about your life being submerged into someone elses kids and their ex, happy to sleep on the sofa so sdc can sleep with their dad and sit in the backseat of the car... yeah step parenting might be okay. But I'm not like that and I like to be able to walk around my house in my pants and sunbathe in my garden in just said pants. You can't do that when other people's dc are in your house.

It's not creating a hierarchy. Its ingrained in us all.
We are programmed if you like to keep our line going.

Theres been numerous studies about it.

I'm a step parent of almost 20 years, and a parent. Being a step parent has added so much to my life, and that of my own DC. There have been difficulties along the way as, despite being more than 20 years on from divorce, DH's ex is still manipulative with their - now adult - children. We deal with that, and minimise the impact her behaviour has on us. Any negatives are far outweighed by the positives.

We're a family. We holiday together often, spend time together, help each other out and we love one another. It's joyful to have step children in my life.

That’s an entirely normal biological response and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

I wonder what the responses would be if the thread was called "AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step child?".l

Probably full of comments like adults are entitled to be happy, you have two homes, you have a huge blended family and lots of people who are step children saying it's shit but being shouted down or told their experience can't be representative of all step children.

Step children have no choice. Step parents do.

Tis the beauty of AIBU and a talk forum.

I disagree actually, I think 90% of posters would agree.

Doubt it.

I imagine all the mums there that were a step child would come on and tell their sad and depressing experiences

@jfshu not the first time I've thought my wonderful acting skills are wasted tbh

But we are 10 years into this so I should be collecting my Oscar shortly

I did like him more when he was tiny and cute, but here we are

To further make my point, I've never once raised my voice at him and he will inherit £100k when I die

Mind you, my children will get £300k each.. so yano

I'm expecting to hear cries of "your poor husband" shortly; but again. He is oblivious to my feelings, and just so. I don't wear a T-shirt advertising my feelings, and that's the most important thing. The boy is looked after and his father is supported to ensure they have a lovely relationship

This sounds like an absolutely horried existence. I couldn't be with a man who didn't really like his role in my child's life.

I think the hypothetical situations are a bit irrelevant as they are unlikely to happen anyway but yes if I was to be asked how I would genuinely respond in a situation like that, a house on fire, a sinking ship whatever, my children would be the first and ONLY thought in my head no matter who else was there and yes, if I genuinely thought they may die if I didn't reach them in time, I would step over anyone to get to them, it wouldn't even be a choice.

@oodlesofpotnoodles

i can’t imagine giving a step child a 1/3 of what my own children would receive in the event of my death from my inheritance. You’re a better person than me

I agree.

It sounds joyless.