AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

If you’re a stepfather it doesn’t seem as bad from what I’ve noticed, but a stepmother…

I would only do it if the children were adults and that would be a long shot. I think I rather be single for the rest of my life if DH and I divorced than be married again.

I'm presuming we've read the same thread. You may have seen my post? It always seems to go well until you disagree with something.. no matter how big or small. Then it all turns to shit.

It was all lovely until I said I didn't agree with the kids attitude towards the mother. I was actually sticking up for mom but I didn't have the right to say kiddos attitude was wrong. However, I did have the right to send over hundreds of pounds/dollars of my own money when DH was also sending thousands of pounds/dollars a month. As long as I agreed with everything that was being said or everything they wanted I was the best stepmom ever.

now SC want to come over for a month or 2 and stay at our house and I'm expected to just go along with it. Sorry but NO! By all means they can come over but I'm not paying for it and they can stay at a hotel. I don't care how they feel about it. I'm in a no win situation anyway.

Don't step parents grow to love their step children and want to nurture and protect them?

Nope you are absolutely correct. I have sc (adult now) & if I could rewind I would never have done things so differently. Thankfully I never see them anymore. It’s a thankless job, you’re always the villain & people think sc should be put before your own plus you’re expected to love them like your own & if you openly say you don’t (even though in reality there’s no way you ever do) then you are the worst person to walk the earth but if you suggest that they should have any love for you then you are the most selfish person & of course they shouldn’t they have a mum you’re nobody to them. You also have to deal with mentally unstable ex’s. Don’t get involved!

I wouldn't say I found it harder necessarily. The difficulties that were there before are still there, maybe some added ones I guess.

I would say it's definitely highlighted the difference between own children and stepchildren though and how for me anyway, it would have been an impossible task to have ever truly thought of them in the same way as my children.

I assume that’s sarcasm !

I certainly did. They are lovely though.

I have a wonderful relationship with my stepdad and see him as my real dad now (my biological father was a waste of space).

I assume it was slightly easier that he met my mum when I was 11/12, so a bit older, and he didn’t have kids himself.

Id say some certainly do but I would guess that the majority don't, certainly not in at all the same way as their own. I don't think a lot would admit it though.

OP, do you never feel that your life is one of selfishness?

That's not to say I don't care about them and want them to come to any harm of course I don't. But yeah if the choice was my kids or them... Well it wouldn't even be a choice.

I certainly have. He’s an absolute joy and I love spending time with him.

Maybe it’s because I’m a teacher, but caring for, protecting and loving other people’s children doesn’t seem like such a hard thing to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I don’t go around creating hierarchies of who I would “step over” in a fire, especially when it comes to family members, especially vulnerable/
dependent family members. Would I dream of thinking about how I would step over my niece to get to my daughter? No. The thought of it makes me sick. Abhorrent and disgusting thing to say. These are your partners children. If you were my partner , I’d be right out that door asap.

How depressing. I have 2 adult sc and Dh is a step dad to my ds.

We've had some great times. Especially holidays. They’re just part of the family. I like spending time with them. And my ds likes my Dh. It’s not all doom and gloom. We’ve had lots of fun and l laughs along the way. All the boys are in contact and help each other.

Not particularly. I do a lot for them and we get on really well.

Absolutely agree. All of those threads where mum has kids, dad has kids, then they have more kids together, all those "blended families" who do things differently, people getting the hump because children are left out or not treated the same, umpteen grannies and aunties and extended family. Not for me.

I will admit my own DS is my priority as is my SC's Mum over me but that doesn't mean you can't gave a caring relationship with them.

It wasn't me who brought up that scenario. I don't sit here thinking of life or death situations involving the children, I was responding to another poster who brought that up.

If you get on really well then why is there no positive experience and nothing good to say about the experience?

That's certainly the case with one stepfather in my extended family. He ended up adopting both children, and the youngest (who was about 5 when the marriage happened) calls him dad. He gave away the eldest at her wedding. He seems very happy with being a stepparent. The difference might be that there was no divorce, their biological dad died.

Because I can still admit that my life would be a hell of a lot easier. And that despite me getting on with them (which is kind of a given if I'm to be married to their dad), the majority if not all of the situation is hard work and a practically constant compromise.

I see this a lot and experienced it with my own step mother. The step parent wants the partner, they don’t want the kids, they often also pretend to be perfect step parent material until they get their feet under the table, then they start to show their true colours. The intolerance is hard to hide and very unfair and cruel.

I actually do think there is a huge difference if the other biological parent isn't around. Having an ex constantly around in your life is often one of the hardest parts for a lot of people I imagine.

I think it’s ok if the DC are older and left home. If they are young I would expect it might be a nightmare.

I had a SM, but when I was in my 20’s. I hated it then, so imagine it would have been a nightmare if I was younger and living there.

I would never have inflicted a step parent on my young DC having had one myself.

I was SM to two girls with XH1. I got along splendidly with DSS2 but DSS1 was a bloody nightmare.

Once that (very short) marriage ended, I have never got involved with anyone with DC again, it's just too much drama.

My advice to my own adult DC has always been to avoid getting involved with anyone with DC. Why add the complication?

Friends with DSS complain a lot about their situations. One in particular has a dreadful time with a violent and aggressive DSS and I don't know how she stands it.