AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

Evening sun

not summer sun. Hopefully!

@lucylousweetie "thrust this into her life" JFC get a grip.

Consent and boundaries in discussion with her about what life will look like in her own home. Whether she was happy with the plan etc which is why you don't blend families on a whim. And that's besides the fact that being a step parent can be a PITA.

I mean why shouldn't she feel confident and comfortable in her own home in a crop top and shorts? Do you think girls should walk round covered up all the time?

Can’t say I would have felt comfortable being sprawled on the sofa in my sleep vest top with no bra on and just knickers whilst I talk at to my mum about how my painful my periods have been recently with a recently moved in mum’s boyfriend. Especially when all I’ve known all my life is just me and my mum.

but as I say - each to their own. Not what I would do or would have wanted at 15

I'm catching up on the previous posts. I think there's a difference between "not loving SC"/ "not loving SC in the same way as bio kids" vs "there's rarely anything good about being a step-parent".

I can count on one hand the number of people I "love", that doesnt mean there is rarely anything good about my interactions and relationships with people I don't love.

There are a group of people (who knows what size or %) who actively dislike their SC, find them an inconvenience, and would prefer they didn't exist. This isn't the same as "not loving", you can "not love" someone and still like them, enjoy their company, be happy for them, want them around - instead these step-parents have negative feelings towards SC, and these negative feelings are felt most of the time.

It is likely these are the people who rarely find anything good in being a step-parent. Other step parents love their SC; while others don't love their SC, but like them. Judging from this thread, a lot of step-parents seem to feel actively negative towards their SC, which is a shame.

100% this, especially the last part.

Maybe posters here are being OTT for dramatic effect or to be funny, but if not: can the partner not tell and the SC not tell just how much contempt is being felt about the scenario?

Maybe posters here are being OTT for dramatic effect or to be funny, but if not: can the partner not tell and the SC not tell just how much contempt is being felt about the scenario?

Maybe the partners just have respect for how much their partner has had to put up with for their sake, rather than being indignant and defensive.

Does the boy's Dad feel connected and enjoy time with him or is just doing his duty EOW?

Does the boy's Dad feel connected and enjoy time with him or is just doing his duty EOW?

He loves him and wants to have him but doesn't always end up enjoying it due to some behaviour or other.

But again, I don't think that should make much difference to his appreciation for all his partner has had to sacrifice.

Maybe the partners just have respect for how much their partner has had to put up with for their sake, rather than being indignant and defensive.

I think there's a difference between active contempt for a person, felt most of the time VS feeling tired, stressed, upset etc. some of the time, due to a particularly tough period or scenario. The latter feels more worthy of respect than the former in my opinion. A person doesn't always have to react defensively or with indignance, maybe they are just sad, concerned, worried, surprised, disappointed etc.

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had a habit of feeling contempt and showing negativity towards any of my family members. Let alone sharing a life with a partner who feels this way about my kids. I would think: move out if it is that bad and that hard. Maybe i might get into the relationship because I didn't know it would be this way, but then i would breakup because it is so awful for everyone involved? It is hard enough when partners feel negativity and contempt towards in-laws or friends.

Obviously everyone is different, but I wonder what is it in for both adults. Maybe the rest of the relationship is wonderful so it makes up for it, but 50% of the time is a lot of time to feel resentful. Or maybe the SC are adults, or they could be children but aren't around that much.

I just find it difficult to really imagine what the different people are feeling in the moment, why they stick around, how they are coping. It all sounds very toxic, but maybe it isn't in practice. Each to their own. I don't have to understand, I guess.

@aSofaNearYou Although I don't fully understand your POV and experience, thank you for taking the time to reply to my previous posts.

I feel the same as @Orangeradiorabbit

@Orangeradiorabbit I think contempt is a bit strong a word, really, I think there's a difference between that and just not really getting any joy out of it, even if al the time.

And yes, for a lot of people, especially step mum's, it's a lot less than 50% of the time.

I think some posters are really naïve about how some step parents feel about step children.

In my life as a counsellor, I have come across clients who have absolutely hated their DSC. Joked about killing them, manipulated situations to cause issues between DSC and their DP/DH, including "failing" to post birthday cards, offering to buy presents but deliberately buying something really shit/wrong size etc.

I know someone who deliberately wound up her DSDs mother by doing things like taking her to get her hair cut (really shit haircut) and all kinds of shenanigans.

Obviously there were others who tolerated or even liked having their DSC around. A woman I am currently seeing is trying to persuade her DP to buy his adult DS a motorbike as she reckons he might have an accident and die. She actually hates him that much. I don't think any of these women give any signs at all to their DP/DH that this is going on in their heads.

Men with DSC tend to be more openly hostile if they don't like them, so it would be easier to spot.

@Nowvoyager99 Wow!

I do think some are looking forward to the SC growing up so they don't see them.

Ours still come all the time and now ask us to babysit sometimes.

am I the only one who'd expect and flipping want my husband to first save our children in an emergency

but not your SDC right? Hopefully he steps on over them.

Oh wow...

I think there's a lot of hyperbole on this thread.

I posted earlier. From the perspective of someone who has a DH who is step-parent to my DC (now grown up). He genuinely does love my DC and has contributed to their upbringing a lot more than many biological fathers still living with their fathers! Impossible for me to say how that love would compare to love for his own bio children because he doesn't have any, but if what he's given is a facsimile for 'my' benefit (I.e. he's faking it because I make the situation worthwhile as some posters have suggested), I'll take it. If he's faking it the man deserves an Oscar!

I think it's narrow-minded of the human experience to think step-parents can't love step children whole-heartedly. Why do we love anyone who's not biologically connected to us? Love is a complex emotion.

All that said, I think there are probably many more unhappy step-parenting set-ups than there are happy ones. We live in a society that encourages family cohabitation early through culture (being a 'proper' family) and financial necessity. This results in many people force-blending families before everyone has had chance to properly think it through and adjust. No step parent should be moving in until and unless they already have developed a positive and caring relationship with the DC. If there are clashes between new partner and DC, or clashes in parenting style between new partner and bio-parents (either one), moving in is a recipe for disaster.

Should a step parent love the DC? Not in my view. I never demanded that of my DH even though he now does. No one has the right to demand anyone feels anything! However, as the parent with responsibility for my DCs welfare, I did have the right - duty even - to say to DH that I expected him to play the role of parent, uncomplainingly and with enthusiasm, or we would not live together. This was from a starting position where I already knew they got on and there was genuine affection there because we'd carefully and slowly managed the relationship. My view was that my children deserved more than feeling just tolerated in their own home. I'd never have subjected them to that. I don't think DH loved my DC initially but the foundations were solid. He took his promises seriously, genuinely liked and cared for them and is a decent human being. Love is as love does and love grew. Had it not, I think we'd have been ok anyway because he's a decent human being and knows DC shouldn't suffer because of adult choices. I wouldn't have kicked him out if he'd told me he didn't love them but did care for them and was still playing the role of a good parent. I think that's all that can be reasonably asked, although you'd always hope for more.

However, day-to-day trials and tribulations aside (who doesn't occasionally experience frustration with their kids or go through life-pressures that place strain on all relationships?) had he actively disliked my DC we'd have called it quits. People pick up on a thousand subtle clues about how someone they spend a lot of time with feels about them, no matter how diligently that person goes through the outward motions. Children more so because they rely less on verbal reasoning. That's horrible for everyone - the child for experiencing it and the step-parent for feeling guilty (if they're a half-way decent human being). Better to live separately in that situation I feel.

TLDR version: probably step-family relationships which are dysfunctional are the majority but it's a mistake to think that all are. Many are wonderful.

I wonder if a woman is more likely to not to carry on a relationship with someone who just puts up with her children than a man.

I certainly couldn't be someone who viewed my children as an inconvenience.

I am an adult stepchild who had awful experiences with a step parent. I know people who are step parents and adore their SDC, and others that really don't like their SDC much at all.

I know SC that love their SP, and others that loathe them, and make life very difficult for the SP.

It's a minefield of epic proportions. You just can't know how it's going to pan out. Kids ending up with lifelong issues, or SP who just don't know how they're going to get through another day.

People here astonished that a mother/father would save their own child over a SC. Really? Even the ones who have a great experience with their SC would probably do that, although they wouldn't admit it, even to themselves.

All of which has led me to conclude that a blended family is something that I would actively avoid, despite it occasionally working amazingly well.

Exactly what @Resilience said

And also wholeheartedly agree with @VWFF

I wouldn't be with my dp if he didn't have a genuine affection for my dc. We have a lot in common including parenting approach/style which is why the relationship works.

All the people who are hand wringing saying how glad they are they're not in this position probably have a lot to learn. Relationships break up for a reason and it is far more positive for my dc to live with me and dp than it would have been for them living with their father and i together as we weren't happy at the end of our relationship. I am not certain they would prefer me to be alone, I don't think so as I am more relaxed with do around as I don't feel so anxious about my sole parenting responsibilities. They certainly tell me they are happy with the set up and elect to invite dp to things they don't have to.

@mrsplum2015 It certainly can be a positive experience and I do know some really happy blended families.

I used to work in a male dominated industry. The ones with step dc all complained about them and their dads. Their complaints were very similar to the step parenting board step mums complaints. The only real difference is that a lot of those men had solid work friendships and often went to pub for a pint after work, were in the pool or the darts team. I think a lot of step mums, and mums in general, get lost in family life and little things become really big things as there is nowhere for the complaints to go.

Actual research does say the step mum in the step scenario has the most amount of stress and situational depression. Until that is resolved step mums will have the shitty end of the stick. No wonder their resentments boil over.

Great post

Everyone moans about their own children and stepchildren though and most ex partners are not people's favorite people.

I think everyone's situations are different. Some people are lucky with blended families and others find it a pain in the arse. Luckily do enjoy it.

I'm 20 years into it now and it's been a lot easier for many years than the first few.

I only have a son who I adore but I also have stepdaughters and a niece who I'm so close to.

And next year when she is 16, his son of 18/19 will come to stay when he is on his long holidays from uni. And as they have never lived together they won’t look at each other like brother and sister……….
Just think of what some of MN will have to say about that!