AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

You‘re posting that message here…are you tired of life?

I was definitely very naive when getting into the relationship with my DH. If I had my time again, I wouldn’t be a step parent and certainly wouldn’t blend my family if we were ever to split.
They are adults now with DC of their own and whilst I love the DGC, it’s still really hard work trying to negotiate a relationship with them.
With the fire situation, there is a huge difference between getting your own children first and leaving the step children to burn as some people are saying! Of course you would want all children out safety, but I doubt there is many people who could hand on heart say they wouldn’t get their own children first.

Ha ha I think this sums up exactly what it's like being a SP

Well exactly. I'd be surprised if anyone's first thought wasn't their own children in that situation.

Then why did you have kids with their dad if it’s such a chore on your life? You are one miserable bugger looking for things to moan about in life. You have a partner you love, kids you love, and step kids you get on fine with. But yet there is absolutely no positives or upside to being a step parent at all, even though this is your actual life which you only get one of. I’m sure most don’t love their step kids as their own and there’s negatives that give good reason to moan but I can’t imagine wasting my life having such a miserable attitude towards it.

Yes I get tired of it. I think it can still be worth staying though if you're generally happy even though step parenting itself isn't a positive experience for you.

I'm just musing on the situation after reading a lot of threads on here from step parents and from my own life experiences, of mine and other people I know.

I can still be happy with my life as a whole whilst admitting that being a step parent is one of the more negative aspects of it.

I have been a step parent for 9 years.

I have SD14, SS13 and SS11. I also have DS12.

The early days were wonderful. I'd always wanted more than one DC and had been unable to. To see DS interacting with his step siblings was, and still is, so wonderful. They've made his childhood so much better than it would have been otherwise.

I had a brilliant relationship with them all, particularly SD, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the girly side of it - braiding her hair, picking clothes, crafting. It was very different from time spent with the boys which was mainly gaming, wrestling etc

But the later years have been fraught to say the least and I've frequently wished I'd never even met DH, whom I love very much, that's how bad it has been.

My stepchildren's mother is difficult. She always has been. She's no interest in any kind if relationship with me, which I know is her choice to make but its made it hard on the DC. SD now hasn't spoken to DH for 4 years after being poisoned against him by her mother. SS1 has autism which has become more apparent as he's gotten older and has led to some meltdowns and sometimes I've been afraid. He's 6 foot now and I've sometimes felt I have had to leave the house to be safe.

SS2 is completely obsessed with Fortnite, plays it constantly and seems all he wants me for is V bucks. DH has cut the Internet off a couple of times but all SS2 does is walk out of the house and go back to his mothers.

It's very tough. I'm thankful to my SC for the sibling relationship they have shown to my DS and I do love them, but I can't say being a stepmother hasn't been one of the hardest and most thankless things I have ever done.. because it has.

I doubt there is many people who could hand on heart say they wouldn’t get their own children first

sorry but I don’t understand the need to create and discuss this hierarchy. I think it says a lot about how you are willing to (/enjoy) objectify/ other/ alienate your DSC, that you have some sort of need/ desire to engage in these imaginative hypotheticals. It’s sick.

After many years teaching, the only really successful step parent situations I’ve seen were when the original dad died or left the country and the mum married a childless chap.

In both cases, their addition to the family were of great benefit to the children.

On the other hand, I have spent many hours supporting 11 year olds whose fathers are now wrapped up in new wife and new babies and who feel very rejected/second best.

The fire situation is about protecting your own genes. It’s a normal response.

😂😂 love this brutal honesty

I think it is very tough. Blended family seems to me like a crock really, constant negotiation and disagreement.

These arrangements often occur because men need a new domestic appliance to step in to meet all the care for the children that they failed themselves to give in the prior relationship which was often the reason it failed. This is very common and it's just a ticket to resentment for the children and the woman. The only person it suits is the man.

For women, they seem to have very unrealistic expectations that the man will love these non biological children like his own. That's a fantasy too, because stepfathers are statistically more dangerous to her children, but she too has a fantasy.

Step parents who do manage well have good boundaries and limitations I think. But too often with children, it's all about the prior failure of the parents to stay together.

but I can't say being a stepmother hasn't been one of the hardest and most thankless things I have ever done.. because it has

Well exactly. I think you can still get on just fine whilst also saying if you had your time again you'd not choose the same.

I would run into a burning building to protect my own child..but SC probably not, their own parents can do that

It is tough for sure and it’s a long slog at times.

But my DC/step DC have grown up together and are pretty close. They’ve had each others backs big time when things have gone wrong and are a great support network to each other. They’re similar ages so they’ve helped each other with GCSEs and work they didn’t understand. They learned their driving theory together. They’ve given each other support with relationship issues and also ranted to each other about parenting decisions they don’t agree with 🤣

I get Mother’s Day cards and birthday cards with “mum” on now, when they were small and making cards at school I’d sometimes get one too.

Plus I actually enjoy spending time with them, I really like the “big family” dynamic we have. There are plenty of positives that can come out of it if you’re prepared to work through the hard times.

Bit I guess it’s quite different when you and your partner are on different parenting pages, or you have a difficult ex, or the kids don’t like you. I wouldn’t want to do it then either.

My 15 year old step-son is alright - doesn't give me any bother. Polite and fairly easy to live with 3 days a week

I'm in no way attached to him though. If I never saw him again it wouldn't cost me a second thought

My own children are the central point to my life and I would use him as a human shield to protect them

Obviously I would never articulate this in real life, there's a line. I look after him, hugs, always include him, watch his football games, wash and iron his clothes etc. we text about football results and homework help

Probably says more about me tbh. I'm a cold fish

It's very likely that by becoming a step parent you are inserting yourself into a broken family with potentially very upset children.

It's not their fault the adults in their lives have ripped their worlds apart. Perhaps SPs could all have a little more patience and understanding?

Some really horrible comments on here. Really horrible.

It certainly does not for me and the comment about stepping over them in a fire has made me feel sick.

It is easier since they became teens / adults though as we don’t have to have any contact with the ex who used to cause fair more problems than the children themselves. It just felt stressful every time we saw them. There was always some drama, change of time, pick up location, not wearing suitable clothes so having to go home and change, not eaten when it was a late pick up, eaten kids when we were going out for dinner etc. We’d book a holiday (uk as wasn’t allowed to take them abroad, for no reason other then mother had never been), they spend weeks of listening to threats they wouldn’t be allowed to come if we didn’t do x,y & z.

It's very likely that by becoming a step parent you are inserting yourself into a broken family with potentially very upset children.

Which is why a few of us have said there is no way we'd be inserting ourselves into that sort of situation in the first place.

My own children are the central point to my life and I would use him as a human shield to protect them

This was fucking unnecessary

Perhaps SPs could all have a little more patience and understanding?

Oh I have had massive amounts of patience over the years and understanding. I don't think any of what I've said here means I treat DSC terribly, I know that I don't. But for me personally it's been hardwork and something I'd not do again.

Eaten lots! Not eaten kids 🤣

AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about having a step mother?
^From your step child

Are you usually an 'eat your cake and have it too' type of person? You sound incredibly naive and selfish and proud of it, too. Never mind, just another sled-centred, small minded little person. 😏